I wasn't sure I was going to write a post tonight - I wasn't feeling anything in particular and had no real inclination to dig around in my mind too much to find a subject. But, after reading some of the recent blog posts of the writers I follow, I now feel compelled to write something about the impression I am left with.
Being in Australia, or maybe just because I'm generally out of the loop - I missed a major uproar centred around a blog/article posted online on US Marie Claire. The title "Should 'Fatties' Get A Room?" pretty well sets up the readers expectations of its contents. So, this misinformed, idiot of a woman goes on to write about how offensive it is for her to see 'obese' people in public displays of affection, or just in public - you know, walking around.
So, suppressing my immediate urge to spit acidic words of hate and disgust at this woman, mostly I'm just left wondering who lets people like this, write like this, and better yet who in their right mind publishes it for crying out loud?! Talk about a pile of verbal diarrhoea.
So, there's camp 'what an horrible, insensitive bitch'; there's also a 'what the fuck Marie Claire?' crew; along with 'lets give her a hug, she knows not what she does' bunch. I think I fall somewhere in between - except for me, it's more like 'Marie Claire pay this stupid woman for utter crap, and all I wanna do is kick her really fucking hard in the shins!' I guess that'd be camp StrangeBird!
I don't want to dwell on this subject, because lets face it - what I feel like saying has been said all before and executed with much more eloquence than I can muster. But what it does bring to the forefront of my consciousness, is just how crap it can be, being a woman.
Obviously, I can't speak for all women. But the general experience I have tells me that a content woman is a rare woman. We carry on in this world, our whole lives, with everyone and everything telling us we aren't good enough, that we need to change. Advertising, magazines, the general external world presents a picture of what we 'should' be; how we 'should' act; what we 'should' wear - the cut of your skirt, the shape of your eyebrows, the size of your handbag, the career, the makeup, the hairstyle, what you should drink-eat-do-be-have-want - everything. ENOUGH! I have to wonder, if I were orphaned as a baby and raised by wolves in the wild, away from mirrors and people and 'things', would I be content? Would I be happier with myself than I currently am? I suspect I'd have some major fucking problems, but I also suspect that my self esteem and self worth would be well intact.
I don't know, what's the solution? Stop listening? Stop reading? Stop caring? Stop taking myself so seriously? All these things are easier said than done. Find someone to love me who doesn't care if I pluck my eyebrows? Hmmm... near impossibility?
All I know is that today we had a group morning tea at work, with every delicious sweet thing you could possibly imagine and hope to see before you. And at this morning tea - there were girls, visibly torn about eating anything. Scraping the icing off the cake, consuming minute portions or even not having anything at all. These beautiful, lovely girls tormented about eating things that might make them gain weight. What a crock! Yep, I'm all for healthy and if you wanna eat salad forever because you like it - then that's ok with me.. but if you torture yourself, deny yourself for what, an ideal, an expectation - what's the point? I suppose, this attitude could account for why I am overweight and a terrible emotional eater - but just in that moment, I was happy. Happy to be a woman saying yes to a slice of cake.
The problem with being a woman is that it's just so damn complicated, and nothing ever seems good enough.
Stupidity is offensive, not obesity.
Be happy.
SB xx
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
don't ask
Don't ask me, what you know is true
Don't have to tell you I love your precious heart
The world got a little quieter when this man died - and what a true shame for those of us left behind. I haven't really known what words to put to the way I have been feeling today. I feel like the last couple of days I have been resolute in my goal to move forward, for things to be different... but today, I realise that I just keep fooling myself. Sometimes I think my whole existence is just an extended performance, masking another performance - sometimes there is so much bullshit and lies that I can't see the truth for wanting. When you strip back the 'shoulds' and the wishes and the distractions there doesn't seem to be much left behind.
But a silver lining to the day, the recognition of another "reason to live": the chance to hear a song like this, sung with a voice like that. Pure magic.
Enjoy,
SB xx
Monday, October 25, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
more news from nowhere
I'm the first member in my immediate family to possess a passport. I got it back in 2009 when the plan was to go to Italy. Those plans got blown apart, so the little book with a bad picture of my face is still awaiting adventure.
I think it's time that I had my passport cherry 'popped'... and it looks set to happen next year.
I'm not one that likes to make too many plans - because if my past has taught me anything, it's that nothing ever really goes to plan.
But, if the last little while has taught me anything - it's that you're pretty much only ever either moving forward or going backwards, because in life there is no standing still.
In making plans, however small they might be, I declare to the world 'I am not waiting for anyone or anything anymore'.
SB xx
I think it's time that I had my passport cherry 'popped'... and it looks set to happen next year.
I'm not one that likes to make too many plans - because if my past has taught me anything, it's that nothing ever really goes to plan.
But, if the last little while has taught me anything - it's that you're pretty much only ever either moving forward or going backwards, because in life there is no standing still.
In making plans, however small they might be, I declare to the world 'I am not waiting for anyone or anything anymore'.
SB xx
Friday, October 22, 2010
letting it ride
Today I got asked the god-awful question every woman hates being asked... "so, how's your love life?" ARRGGHH! Woah, how did we go from awkward silence to that?! I felt my face flood red "non-existent" I squeaked. Geez. Thankfully there were only four of us in the room at the time. I hate that question. Makes me feel so inadequate. What do people think? Oh, she's too fat, that's why she doesn't have a boyfriend... maybe she doesn't like men....maybe she's just a freak.. what's wrong with her... what's right with her?
Since trying to turn over a new leaf, I have been challenged in more ways than one. But - I survived the last few days. Yesterday I wasn't sure - I'd been at work 24 minutes when I reached boiling point. I'm afraid when I get to that stage, the situation is serious and hard for me to come down from. I don't hide it very well once I'm there. It must be the crazy Sicilian blood pulsing in my veins.
Realising without my rose coloured glasses on, that John does not care for me beyond being worthy of a 'morning' and a 'goodbye'. And it has to be ok that way. The John boat might've pulled into harbour StrangeBird briefly, but the visit was fleeting and the opportunity to board has passed. Our interactions are awkward and inconsistent, and I think that's what prolongs the trauma. But I'm moving on.
SB xx
Since trying to turn over a new leaf, I have been challenged in more ways than one. But - I survived the last few days. Yesterday I wasn't sure - I'd been at work 24 minutes when I reached boiling point. I'm afraid when I get to that stage, the situation is serious and hard for me to come down from. I don't hide it very well once I'm there. It must be the crazy Sicilian blood pulsing in my veins.
Realising without my rose coloured glasses on, that John does not care for me beyond being worthy of a 'morning' and a 'goodbye'. And it has to be ok that way. The John boat might've pulled into harbour StrangeBird briefly, but the visit was fleeting and the opportunity to board has passed. Our interactions are awkward and inconsistent, and I think that's what prolongs the trauma. But I'm moving on.
SB xx
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Making Lists
I realise, that at the moment my life is filled to the brim with negativity and a dash of self pity. I am, and have been, totally consumed with anger, resentment and general ill feelings. This isn't me. This isn't the picture I want for myself. I fear that I am doing a bad job of representing myself, and I don't want that anymore. If this is an extension of me, of all the things I am - yes, it should include the bad and the ugly, but it should not be a vehicle for me to wallow in my own pool of discontent. I will always be 'real', but I also need to be realistic about the feelings I hold onto tightly, because sometimes they are poisonous.
Work is bloody awful. I'm doing things I shouldn't be, I'm being taken for granted and putting up with a lot of shit that generally shouldn't have to enter my consciousness. So this is crappy, but I don't want it to turn me crappy. I'm going to do my very best to be my very best, not because I want to get thanked for it, but because it's a defining part of me. I'm going to smile (even if I have to paste it on) and I'm going to laugh when the opportunity arises. I know I'll probably have moments where I'll get angry, so I'll do that - but then I'll do my best to move on.
As for John. All my wailing and moping is unbecoming, and frankly I deserve more than that. I should want more for myself than that - whatever ugliness that is. So StrangeBird, the boy you want doesn't want you - 'man up' about it! Maybe, just maybe this says more about the kind of person he is, than it says about me. Maybe I'm not defective. I just need to remind myself of that; a lot. Some days that's hard... as clearly you've been witness to. I'm trying, I really am.
So, for tonight. No more wallow. Tonight, a promise, to treat myself better... and, the start of a small list of the things in life that make it worth living.
- baby giggles
- the moment when you and someone else simultaneously see something amusing, make eye contact and explode into laughter - without a word
- slipping into a warm bed on a cold night
- hearing a song that gives you goosebumps because of it's awesomeness
- being the recipient of an unexpected smile
- the smell of onion and garlic frying in oil
- the excitement at pulling off the protective thin plastic that covers a new appliance surface
Just a start. Here's to a new day, a new approach.
SB xx
Work is bloody awful. I'm doing things I shouldn't be, I'm being taken for granted and putting up with a lot of shit that generally shouldn't have to enter my consciousness. So this is crappy, but I don't want it to turn me crappy. I'm going to do my very best to be my very best, not because I want to get thanked for it, but because it's a defining part of me. I'm going to smile (even if I have to paste it on) and I'm going to laugh when the opportunity arises. I know I'll probably have moments where I'll get angry, so I'll do that - but then I'll do my best to move on.
As for John. All my wailing and moping is unbecoming, and frankly I deserve more than that. I should want more for myself than that - whatever ugliness that is. So StrangeBird, the boy you want doesn't want you - 'man up' about it! Maybe, just maybe this says more about the kind of person he is, than it says about me. Maybe I'm not defective. I just need to remind myself of that; a lot. Some days that's hard... as clearly you've been witness to. I'm trying, I really am.
So, for tonight. No more wallow. Tonight, a promise, to treat myself better... and, the start of a small list of the things in life that make it worth living.
- baby giggles
- the moment when you and someone else simultaneously see something amusing, make eye contact and explode into laughter - without a word
- slipping into a warm bed on a cold night
- hearing a song that gives you goosebumps because of it's awesomeness
- being the recipient of an unexpected smile
- the smell of onion and garlic frying in oil
- the excitement at pulling off the protective thin plastic that covers a new appliance surface
Just a start. Here's to a new day, a new approach.
SB xx
Monday, October 18, 2010
any dog can win
Paul Kelly is a star.
Before too long
The one that you're loving will wish that he'd never met you
Before too long
He who is nothing will suddenly come into view
So let the time keep rolling on
It's on my side
Lonely nights will soon be gone
High is the tide
Before too long
We'll be together and no-one will tear us apart
Before too long
The words will be spoken, I know all the action by heart
As the night time follows day
I'm closing in
Every dog will have his day
Any dog can win...
SB xx
Before too long
The one that you're loving will wish that he'd never met you
Before too long
He who is nothing will suddenly come into view
So let the time keep rolling on
It's on my side
Lonely nights will soon be gone
High is the tide
Before too long
We'll be together and no-one will tear us apart
Before too long
The words will be spoken, I know all the action by heart
As the night time follows day
I'm closing in
Every dog will have his day
Any dog can win...
SB xx
The Expert Loser
The new lamp casts a red glow across darkened corners and glittering things. It's not the warm, inviting kind of red. It's a 'warning' red. BEEP... BEEP.. BEEP... overload! The sort of colour you might expect to see just before something blows up.
I'm trying not to think about the great red elephant that is John. I tell myself it is just the first day, and then things will be fine. They'll be ok. I'm not sure.
I didn't know it was even possible to be in a one sided love affair. 'Unrequited' they call it. Do you know what that means?
It's doesn't even matter. I tell myself it's just the ideal I fell for - the man I imagined - it's my own fault, I took liberties with the blanks. Stupid, stupid girl.
Jesus, when will this pass?
"There's too much love for John around here" someone says. "Time to knock him down a little." I like the sound of that. Perhaps it'll happen naturally.
Crazy to think it hurts this much when it's one sided. Imagine what it must be like for real, when it's returned. For me, it's a misshapen boomerang that won't come back. Always.
I have a history with these things.
SB xx
I'm trying not to think about the great red elephant that is John. I tell myself it is just the first day, and then things will be fine. They'll be ok. I'm not sure.
I didn't know it was even possible to be in a one sided love affair. 'Unrequited' they call it. Do you know what that means?
It's doesn't even matter. I tell myself it's just the ideal I fell for - the man I imagined - it's my own fault, I took liberties with the blanks. Stupid, stupid girl.
Jesus, when will this pass?
"There's too much love for John around here" someone says. "Time to knock him down a little." I like the sound of that. Perhaps it'll happen naturally.
Crazy to think it hurts this much when it's one sided. Imagine what it must be like for real, when it's returned. For me, it's a misshapen boomerang that won't come back. Always.
I have a history with these things.
SB xx
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Theme Song
I wanted to post a Supremes version of this - but they were all a bit dodgy. Kim will have to suffice; the message remains the same.
SB xx
Thursday, October 14, 2010
In The Middle
I heard this song for the first time a couple of months back. I loved it from the moment I heard it.
If my life really was a song, I'd be content for it to be this one.
SB xx
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
some days you just shouldn't fight
I guess there's really only two ways to handle yourself in both swimming, and in life. Either you go with the flow or you fight it. I've always been a fighter. This probably explains the premature grey hairs and my general lack of energy.
Today there was no sense in fighting. I should have known from the moment I woke up, right up until the time I went to bed, when I splattered hand cream everywhere but on my hands.
Tomorrow is going to be a better day, I insist. But, I think it might take more than my trusty GHD's and some mascara to make a fitting mask.
SB xx
Today there was no sense in fighting. I should have known from the moment I woke up, right up until the time I went to bed, when I splattered hand cream everywhere but on my hands.
Tomorrow is going to be a better day, I insist. But, I think it might take more than my trusty GHD's and some mascara to make a fitting mask.
SB xx
Still, Rabbit Hearted
I was hoping to have Florence & The Machine on board to help me with tonight's post - however, continuing in the tradition of the last few days, YouTube is being a bastard and won't give me what I want. Fuck it! Let's just pretend I am a raging, long-haired red-head with a hell of a voice.
I'm a little muddled, today especially. I have my ugly head on today too - I don't want to look in the mirror, I just want to go to bed, except that means waking up to Thursday.. to work.
I don't want John to come back. And mostly, I don't want to care about it the way I do right now. Why is this shit getting under my skin - who gave it permission to do that? I already know that answer. I need armour. I need, an invisibility cloak.
I saw a disturbing picture today, of animal cruelty. It made me sick. I don't know what eventually happens to 'people' (I use the term loosely here) like that - sick, twisted, bastard 'people'... but I sure do hope it's swift, harsh and unrelenting. 'People' who mess with kids and animals are the worst kind of horror to me.
Benchpress Me NOW Boy sat next to me today at the gym. No words exchanged. I lasted 153 seconds on the rower in his presence - pitiful. He kind of scares me.
SB xx
I'm a little muddled, today especially. I have my ugly head on today too - I don't want to look in the mirror, I just want to go to bed, except that means waking up to Thursday.. to work.
I don't want John to come back. And mostly, I don't want to care about it the way I do right now. Why is this shit getting under my skin - who gave it permission to do that? I already know that answer. I need armour. I need, an invisibility cloak.
I saw a disturbing picture today, of animal cruelty. It made me sick. I don't know what eventually happens to 'people' (I use the term loosely here) like that - sick, twisted, bastard 'people'... but I sure do hope it's swift, harsh and unrelenting. 'People' who mess with kids and animals are the worst kind of horror to me.
Benchpress Me NOW Boy sat next to me today at the gym. No words exchanged. I lasted 153 seconds on the rower in his presence - pitiful. He kind of scares me.
SB xx
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
never assume people are intelligent
There is a reason why it is said "assumption is the Mother of all fuck ups" and that is because it's 100% true. Still though, dumbasses like myself insist on giving people the benefit of the doubt; surely they must know.... it's obvious.... Sadly, it's never obvious, especially when it's something simple, and always when it matters.
I got my work shirts today - they screwed the colour of the embroidery. How silly of me to think (nay, assume) it would be obvious to not use yellow embroidery on a red and white shirt? It gets worse. I ordered four shirts; all different colours; surprisingly, none of them yellow (or a complementary colour of yellow) - what's that you ask? What colour did they do the embroidery on all four shirts? All. Fucking. Yellow.
Why? Why? I think the universe hates me today.
I started reading this book on prosperity the other night - it's kind of weird, but I'm sticking with it. It's an old-school book from the 60's or something... and it quotes some famous scientific theory that says there is 'gold dust in the air'. I'm not too sure about that theory, but fuck - maybe that's what's turning all the embroidery thread yellow!?
Some days, I really hate being me. Today has been one of those days.
SB xx
I got my work shirts today - they screwed the colour of the embroidery. How silly of me to think (nay, assume) it would be obvious to not use yellow embroidery on a red and white shirt? It gets worse. I ordered four shirts; all different colours; surprisingly, none of them yellow (or a complementary colour of yellow) - what's that you ask? What colour did they do the embroidery on all four shirts? All. Fucking. Yellow.
Why? Why? I think the universe hates me today.
I started reading this book on prosperity the other night - it's kind of weird, but I'm sticking with it. It's an old-school book from the 60's or something... and it quotes some famous scientific theory that says there is 'gold dust in the air'. I'm not too sure about that theory, but fuck - maybe that's what's turning all the embroidery thread yellow!?
Some days, I really hate being me. Today has been one of those days.
SB xx
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Always Minding the Bollocks
I feel like that phone; the one that's on silent mode, so it's owner doesn't have to think about it, and wonder, every time it rings. Eternally silent so my prime function doesn't disturb anyone. Still doing the job - but not being recognised for it.
Why is it that people 'silence' me? Perhaps because they assume I have nothing to say, or because what I say doesn't matter. Maybe because I don't get paid enough to have important thoughts?
Yes, it's all sounding rather dramatic - and sometimes, it feels just like that to me.
I ordered some work shirts during the week - ones more 'tailored' to my job description. Perhaps if I stop dressing like a secretary, I'll stop getting treated like one. I'll be wearing them at the risk of looking daggy - but most people at work have that opinion of me anyway. It's a good thing most people don't matter, most of the time.
It's one week until John lands his arse back into town. The absence has made some things easier; but lately night time has been hard. I've been having a lot of dreams about him. I suppose my poor subconscious is just trying to clean up the mess. There's a big part of me that doesn't want to see him; I don't want it to get harder again; awkward. Holding myself back all the time takes all the energy I have some days.
And Baby Jesus, if I could only just get his poisonous lesser half to fuck off from my daily existence - that would be remarkably excellent.
Please, don't get me wrong; I'm not bitter, or jealous of her - I just see her now for what she really is, and I don't like it. I don't like it and I don't want to be around it.
Honestly, I'm not even sure I like him anymore. I think maybe I'm in love with the way I imagined him to be, in my head - but now my minds picture and that of reality doesn't sync anymore - and I find myself grieving for something lost. A possibility? I find myself compromising who I am; so that I might fit the 'picture' of my 'picture' John - what a joke. I pray that I have the courage to resist whatever remnants remain - to consider what his opinion might be and put it last - just as that has been done to me.
Still strange, hopefully stronger..
SB xx
Why is it that people 'silence' me? Perhaps because they assume I have nothing to say, or because what I say doesn't matter. Maybe because I don't get paid enough to have important thoughts?
Yes, it's all sounding rather dramatic - and sometimes, it feels just like that to me.
I ordered some work shirts during the week - ones more 'tailored' to my job description. Perhaps if I stop dressing like a secretary, I'll stop getting treated like one. I'll be wearing them at the risk of looking daggy - but most people at work have that opinion of me anyway. It's a good thing most people don't matter, most of the time.
It's one week until John lands his arse back into town. The absence has made some things easier; but lately night time has been hard. I've been having a lot of dreams about him. I suppose my poor subconscious is just trying to clean up the mess. There's a big part of me that doesn't want to see him; I don't want it to get harder again; awkward. Holding myself back all the time takes all the energy I have some days.
And Baby Jesus, if I could only just get his poisonous lesser half to fuck off from my daily existence - that would be remarkably excellent.
Please, don't get me wrong; I'm not bitter, or jealous of her - I just see her now for what she really is, and I don't like it. I don't like it and I don't want to be around it.
Honestly, I'm not even sure I like him anymore. I think maybe I'm in love with the way I imagined him to be, in my head - but now my minds picture and that of reality doesn't sync anymore - and I find myself grieving for something lost. A possibility? I find myself compromising who I am; so that I might fit the 'picture' of my 'picture' John - what a joke. I pray that I have the courage to resist whatever remnants remain - to consider what his opinion might be and put it last - just as that has been done to me.
Still strange, hopefully stronger..
SB xx
Friday, October 8, 2010
get on-ya bike!
I think I'm going to go and look at buying a bike tomorrow. No, I didn't just now have that thought, I have actually been thinking about it for a while. For some reason, I suddenly started feeling like I wanted to 'hit' the bike path - and I haven't ridden a normal, non stationary bike in years - but I feel somehow like freedom awaits me. Sun, breeze, pavement, moving forward - it all appeals to me now. I know, I'm strange right?
So, I was trying to wait until finances permitted (i.e. when I stopped buying stupid crap that I don't need, such as gorgeous vintage inspired earrings) but I can't wait any longer! I'm going to bite the bullet and pray my hopes aren't dashed with the price tag.
And no, I didn't suddenly decide I wanted a bike after hearing the lovely Mark Ronson's 'The Bike Song'. It's just an added bonus!
So, I was trying to wait until finances permitted (i.e. when I stopped buying stupid crap that I don't need, such as gorgeous vintage inspired earrings) but I can't wait any longer! I'm going to bite the bullet and pray my hopes aren't dashed with the price tag.
And no, I didn't suddenly decide I wanted a bike after hearing the lovely Mark Ronson's 'The Bike Song'. It's just an added bonus!
Oh, and here's hoping I can find a semi non-daggy helmet to go with my new wheels! Wish me luck - I suspect I'll need it!
SB xx
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Damn 'The Mans' World
I have a head ache that won't relent and a mood I can't describe. But I know I want to scream like this, and tell the shitty men of this world to get stuffed!
SB xx
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
The Dependables
I don't think that there is anything wrong with being considered a 'dependable' person; clearly it's quite a convenient way to be, for all concerned. Yet, it's funny that the 'non-dependables' of this world can make it seem as if it's the worst way to be. It's always as if I'm five seconds away from being cornered by a bunch of 'cool kids' and called a "square!" But, it's also amusing that it's people like me, who are the ones cleaning up the messes that those same 'cool kids' make. I don't think it's any surprise dependable and dependant are so similar in form. It's as simple as, can you depend upon yourself? Or do you depend on others?
Speaking as a 'dependable', there are some clear drawbacks to being this way. People always expect you to be this way. You aren't considered entitled to have a meltdown, and if you do, you surely must be strange. It's also that you start to feel like the 'Mum' of the group - never really in the thick of things, because like when you were a kid hanging out with your friends, the last thing you wanted was Mum tagging along. It gets way too easy to be taken for granted too. If you're firing at 100% all the time, people start to expect nothing less, and having an off day becomes a non-optional, non-extra.
This is the kind of position I find myself in at work. I'm punctual and I'm logical, hard working, attentive and dedicated - I guess the walking definition of dependable. It's real easy to take people like this, like me, for granted, because we don't make you work hard at relating to us. We do what we do, not because of any kind words you've said, but because it's the way we are made.
What sucks is that people take advantage of this; and it's the worst feeling in the world. Knowing that simply being yourself, having high standards, being good at what you do - seems to signal to some people as an invitation to use you up.
I remember back in high school, during an Early Childhood class of all things, we were having a group discussion around the table. This off-beat, loud girl called Margie blurted out that if I died, she would "totally be sad about it". I didn't know what to think then, and to be honest - I still don't - but thanks Margie... I think!?
Dependable might be one of the many things I am - but I'm not going to be defined by it, have it pinned to me like it's all I am. I'm changing gear now, at work - I think it's time to loosen some rope and see what people do with it.
SB xx
Speaking as a 'dependable', there are some clear drawbacks to being this way. People always expect you to be this way. You aren't considered entitled to have a meltdown, and if you do, you surely must be strange. It's also that you start to feel like the 'Mum' of the group - never really in the thick of things, because like when you were a kid hanging out with your friends, the last thing you wanted was Mum tagging along. It gets way too easy to be taken for granted too. If you're firing at 100% all the time, people start to expect nothing less, and having an off day becomes a non-optional, non-extra.
This is the kind of position I find myself in at work. I'm punctual and I'm logical, hard working, attentive and dedicated - I guess the walking definition of dependable. It's real easy to take people like this, like me, for granted, because we don't make you work hard at relating to us. We do what we do, not because of any kind words you've said, but because it's the way we are made.
What sucks is that people take advantage of this; and it's the worst feeling in the world. Knowing that simply being yourself, having high standards, being good at what you do - seems to signal to some people as an invitation to use you up.
I remember back in high school, during an Early Childhood class of all things, we were having a group discussion around the table. This off-beat, loud girl called Margie blurted out that if I died, she would "totally be sad about it". I didn't know what to think then, and to be honest - I still don't - but thanks Margie... I think!?
Dependable might be one of the many things I am - but I'm not going to be defined by it, have it pinned to me like it's all I am. I'm changing gear now, at work - I think it's time to loosen some rope and see what people do with it.
SB xx
Monday, October 4, 2010
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Poker Face
A few years ago, I used to see a counsellor pretty regularly. It was a nice outlet, and I'd highly recommend it. There really isn't anything quite like having someone to talk to - someone unbiased, whose actual job it is, not to judge you and to keep all your secrets. It's the best friendship I ever had!
I remember we used to talk a lot of about the internal voice - the one that I'm assured everyone has. You know it; I think it kind of depends who you are, and how much you listen - but it's usually the voice that your hear in your mind, that stirs you up, pushes you on or knocks you down - and if you're really unlucky, it keeps on knocking you down, even when it already has you crawling on the floor. It's hard to imagine that everyone has this voice - but it's a sobering idea.
I think I got a dud inner voice, because mine never seems to let up on me. I think it stops me being my best all of the time, but perhaps that is its job. If we all walked around in the world, thinking we were wonderful and justified all of the time, it might be an awkward place to live. But surely there is a happy medium?
So, it's fairly obvious that I can flit from self loathing to self love as quickly as it takes for the short hand on a clock to move; I wish I wasn't this way. And I really hate that I can't be the kind of strong and independent woman that I want to be. I see glimpses of the woman I want to be, everywhere I go - some days it's quite easy to find - on other days it's more elusive, but just as valuable. Perhaps being a strong woman, is being strong in spite of the shitty internal voice in your head? Maybe the successful people are the ones that are able to tune out that voice?
I remember a long time ago, I was having quite a heart to heart with my friend and I said to her in a moment of youthful clarity that "I'm just not comfortable in my own skin" ... and she says to me something like "oh, I know it's not easy being 'bigger'". And all I remember thinking is, what the fuck are you talking about? I wasn't just talking about being overweight... I couldn't stand being the person that I was, the lie - I didn't want any of it. I used to look in the mirror, and not recognise anything about that person staring back at me, and I certainly didn't want to claim any of it as being my own. Sometimes I slip back into that - although rarely. Sometimes I get scared that the only thing that is stopping this from happening again, is the antidepressants. I hate that I still feel ashamed to admit I take them. It still feels like a label, and it feels like I'm weak. I say to myself that someday soon, I'll get off them - when I'm 'together'.... I'd like to think that day is closer than I hope. Maybe none of us are ever really fully 'together'... perhaps that's what it means to be human. Still, the TV shows and the magazines make it hard to believe that I am not the weird one, the ugly one, the useless one, the loser.... And as for that 'friend', I should have known at that point, that S was completely full of shit.
I like to think, that maybe the reality of this world is that we are all messy underneath, and maybe some of us are just better at hiding the mess. Maybe the people we put on pedestals are just the ones with the better poker face?
SB xx
I remember we used to talk a lot of about the internal voice - the one that I'm assured everyone has. You know it; I think it kind of depends who you are, and how much you listen - but it's usually the voice that your hear in your mind, that stirs you up, pushes you on or knocks you down - and if you're really unlucky, it keeps on knocking you down, even when it already has you crawling on the floor. It's hard to imagine that everyone has this voice - but it's a sobering idea.
I think I got a dud inner voice, because mine never seems to let up on me. I think it stops me being my best all of the time, but perhaps that is its job. If we all walked around in the world, thinking we were wonderful and justified all of the time, it might be an awkward place to live. But surely there is a happy medium?
So, it's fairly obvious that I can flit from self loathing to self love as quickly as it takes for the short hand on a clock to move; I wish I wasn't this way. And I really hate that I can't be the kind of strong and independent woman that I want to be. I see glimpses of the woman I want to be, everywhere I go - some days it's quite easy to find - on other days it's more elusive, but just as valuable. Perhaps being a strong woman, is being strong in spite of the shitty internal voice in your head? Maybe the successful people are the ones that are able to tune out that voice?
I remember a long time ago, I was having quite a heart to heart with my friend and I said to her in a moment of youthful clarity that "I'm just not comfortable in my own skin" ... and she says to me something like "oh, I know it's not easy being 'bigger'". And all I remember thinking is, what the fuck are you talking about? I wasn't just talking about being overweight... I couldn't stand being the person that I was, the lie - I didn't want any of it. I used to look in the mirror, and not recognise anything about that person staring back at me, and I certainly didn't want to claim any of it as being my own. Sometimes I slip back into that - although rarely. Sometimes I get scared that the only thing that is stopping this from happening again, is the antidepressants. I hate that I still feel ashamed to admit I take them. It still feels like a label, and it feels like I'm weak. I say to myself that someday soon, I'll get off them - when I'm 'together'.... I'd like to think that day is closer than I hope. Maybe none of us are ever really fully 'together'... perhaps that's what it means to be human. Still, the TV shows and the magazines make it hard to believe that I am not the weird one, the ugly one, the useless one, the loser.... And as for that 'friend', I should have known at that point, that S was completely full of shit.
I like to think, that maybe the reality of this world is that we are all messy underneath, and maybe some of us are just better at hiding the mess. Maybe the people we put on pedestals are just the ones with the better poker face?
SB xx
Friday, October 1, 2010
Nelly's Cousin
Dear God,
Hi - how's it going? My name is Antagonist Annie, I'm Negative Nelly's lesser known cousin and well, I'd really like to not be this way anymore. Thanks so much.
I'm LOSING MY MIND. Work these past couple of days has been, fairly fucking awful. You know, you (and by 'you', clearly I mean 'me') would think that in a time of disaster and low morale - a small team would be united and perhaps, supportive of each other. Ohhh no! 'You'd' be wrong. My boss is so incredibly difficult. She lacks any forethought and is void of all skills necessary to support, lead and raise the people around her - the ones that really need it. I used to really like my job - it's still a semi-pleb job - but it's one that makes a difference. What makes me feel so damn shitty, is that I've given it everything - I give everything and I can't understand why things are still so awful? If I weren't so angry right now, I'd be crying about it. But what's the point?
Yeah - I know, 'suck it up girl' or 'get a new job'. I don't want a new job - I like the job mostly - it's just some of the people are a bit shit... Yeah, I don't really know what's holding me back either? I think there's a small, flickering flame of hope that says things will get better, and then I think there's also a semi conscious hope I have, that John might come to me eventually. It's ridiculous I know. What's wrong with me? I don't want to end up in another job where all I get to do is answer phones, take well-written messages, collect the mail and sit by helplessly as my brain cells wither and die, one by one. I don't know much, but I know I'm better than that. I have more to offer than that.
Change of topic. I hate Facebook. I hate it, mostly because I can't not look at it. It's a car crash you know is going to be messy and awkward - but you still can't take your eyes away from the scene of it. People are so self absorbed, and generally shit. I have to work myself up to comment on a status update of John's only to have him not respond?! And why I hate Facebook most of all, is because of that previous sentence. Why should it be ok to get upset about things like that? My Aunty and Cousin recently unfriended me - buggered if I know why; but SHIT, if you can't rely on your family in the electronic world, you're pretty well stuffed. I have a right mind to cut myself off from it... but you know, that probably won't happen. I can hear the beeping horns and the tyres screeching and they are begging me to look.
I want so desperately to change it up, change gear and fly on out of this crappy pit of anger, resentment and negativity I find myself trapped in. I don't like being this way.
Worse still, I'm getting a cold - so there really is a 'lot of snot' to cope with. But still, it is the weekend. I shall do my best to pick myself up out of this attitude and move on from the bits that aren't helpful.
Happy days!
SB xx
Hi - how's it going? My name is Antagonist Annie, I'm Negative Nelly's lesser known cousin and well, I'd really like to not be this way anymore. Thanks so much.
I'm LOSING MY MIND. Work these past couple of days has been, fairly fucking awful. You know, you (and by 'you', clearly I mean 'me') would think that in a time of disaster and low morale - a small team would be united and perhaps, supportive of each other. Ohhh no! 'You'd' be wrong. My boss is so incredibly difficult. She lacks any forethought and is void of all skills necessary to support, lead and raise the people around her - the ones that really need it. I used to really like my job - it's still a semi-pleb job - but it's one that makes a difference. What makes me feel so damn shitty, is that I've given it everything - I give everything and I can't understand why things are still so awful? If I weren't so angry right now, I'd be crying about it. But what's the point?
Yeah - I know, 'suck it up girl' or 'get a new job'. I don't want a new job - I like the job mostly - it's just some of the people are a bit shit... Yeah, I don't really know what's holding me back either? I think there's a small, flickering flame of hope that says things will get better, and then I think there's also a semi conscious hope I have, that John might come to me eventually. It's ridiculous I know. What's wrong with me? I don't want to end up in another job where all I get to do is answer phones, take well-written messages, collect the mail and sit by helplessly as my brain cells wither and die, one by one. I don't know much, but I know I'm better than that. I have more to offer than that.
Change of topic. I hate Facebook. I hate it, mostly because I can't not look at it. It's a car crash you know is going to be messy and awkward - but you still can't take your eyes away from the scene of it. People are so self absorbed, and generally shit. I have to work myself up to comment on a status update of John's only to have him not respond?! And why I hate Facebook most of all, is because of that previous sentence. Why should it be ok to get upset about things like that? My Aunty and Cousin recently unfriended me - buggered if I know why; but SHIT, if you can't rely on your family in the electronic world, you're pretty well stuffed. I have a right mind to cut myself off from it... but you know, that probably won't happen. I can hear the beeping horns and the tyres screeching and they are begging me to look.
I want so desperately to change it up, change gear and fly on out of this crappy pit of anger, resentment and negativity I find myself trapped in. I don't like being this way.
Worse still, I'm getting a cold - so there really is a 'lot of snot' to cope with. But still, it is the weekend. I shall do my best to pick myself up out of this attitude and move on from the bits that aren't helpful.
Happy days!
SB xx
I think I can, I think I can
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposter's just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on"
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foe nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!
(Rudyard Kipling)
I think I should have read this at the start of my week. I wish I could say I have been as noble as all that, but I don't think I have, especially these past couple of days. Something to aim for I suppose.
SB xx
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposter's just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on"
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foe nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!
(Rudyard Kipling)
I think I should have read this at the start of my week. I wish I could say I have been as noble as all that, but I don't think I have, especially these past couple of days. Something to aim for I suppose.
SB xx
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