The Week that Was....

The days ran away from me this week, so my posting has been almost non-existent. There's been ups and downs this week, but in summary here's what went down:

Mediocre Monday: the usual Monday shit with some bonus intrigue. John returned to work after his strange hiatus - nil explanations. Business as shitty usual.

Tumultuous Tuesday: the day where anything that could go wrong, did go wrong - and then some. Today was a day of bad news (not mine), bad tempers (mine) and losing minds momentarily (mine... it has mostly returned now). It was also a day for declarations of war, fury and scorn - and a day for being generally kicked in the guts (my guts). It was a big day.

(You got hit with) what? Wednesday: I got smacked in the eye, with none other than a Wiggles toy microphone. It was totally accidental on the toddlers part - but it hurt like a mofo and left me feeling bruised, inside and out. God damn skivvy wearing weirdos - get a real job! It was also a day for more silent encounters with Benchpress me NOW Boy - why won't he just say something!? I know what you're thinking - I could say something, right? True, but my self esteem is much lower than his, and besides - I know he's spying me kinda creepily, working on the cross trainer... so his punishment for watching my sweaty ass for 17 minutes is that he should have to make the first move - warrior-armed punk!

Tearful Thursday: I wanted to cry before I even arrived at work. 3 minutes before departing for work, I received a message from my boss to say she was sick. "FUCK!" I cried, as I read the message. No one should have to say 'fuck' that early in the morning - it set me up for a crazy day, but there were a couple of redeeming features to the day - serving as a fresh reminder that you don't always get what you expect, and that this can be a good thing.

Flush Friday: my expectations weren't that high - the boss was sick again, but that was nothing new - and surprisingly (or not), things are less manic when she's not there. Still, the mood was upbeat, purely because it was Friday and it meant I'd survived another week. I had a terribly clumsy day, and a busy afternoon that saw me in a bit of a fluster with some rosy cheeks for good measure. The day ended well, with a nice and surprising chat with my newest but sadly temporary work mate - who I kind of have a girl-crush on - purely because she's organised and helpful, and well, treats me like a worthy human being - she's the kind of boss I wish I had and I have had stars of admiration in my eyes from the moment I met her. When she leaves, I think I am going to weep for a week.

Strange Saturday: I went on with my Saturday business, with the strange sense that it was to be the kind of day that would change my life... it really wasn't. Guess my 'Nonna sense' is off.

Subdued Sunday: here we arrive at today. A day for reviewing the week that has been, and cringe for the week that is to come. It's hard to sum up the day, because I'm still working my way through it. Am slightly subdued and saddened that yesterday wasn't the turning point I'd hoped it to be. Perhaps next week will surprise!

SB xx

Still, Rabbit Hearted

I was hoping to have Florence & The Machine on board to help me with tonight's post - however, continuing in the tradition of the last few days, YouTube is being a bastard and won't give me what I want. Fuck it! Let's just pretend I am a raging, long-haired red-head with a hell of a voice.

I'm a little muddled, today especially. I have my ugly head on today too - I don't want to look in the mirror, I just want to go to bed, except that means waking up to Thursday.. to work.

I don't want John to come back. And mostly, I don't want to care about it the way I do right now. Why is this shit getting under my skin - who gave it permission to do that? I already know that answer. I need armour. I need, an invisibility cloak.

I saw a disturbing picture today, of animal cruelty. It made me sick. I don't know what eventually happens to 'people' (I use the term loosely here) like that - sick, twisted, bastard 'people'... but I sure do hope it's swift, harsh and unrelenting. 'People' who mess with kids and animals are the worst kind of horror to me.

Benchpress Me NOW Boy sat next to me today at the gym. No words exchanged. I lasted 153 seconds on the rower in his presence - pitiful. He kind of scares me.

SB xx

Shameful Sherlock

I was just doing some time wasting on facebook, and happened across... none other than the identity of Benchpress me NOW boy! ARRGGH! A stroke of luck? Now I kinda feel naughty?! Like I just peeked inside someones window or something. And now, I don't know how I feel.

But wouldn't you know it - damn it, he has privacy settings, which prevented me from learning any more than how many friends he has, and where he's from. Fancy that! Doesn't anyone trust anyone these days??

For the record, I don't trust anyone either... but I'm a girl and that's ok... right?

SB xx

keeping it brief

Relatively snot free day, after yesterdays interesting ascent on mount brick!

I went back to the gym today, for the first time in over two weeks. It sucks how easy it was to lose the little bit of fitness I had! With this, came the chance to once again see Benchpress me NOW Boy. Yep, he's still as benchpress-able as ever. Although, I'm sad to report I didn't have much of a visual encounter today - I was later than usual, and he was earlier than usual and hence, I missed my opportunity.

I am not much in the mood for revelations or ponderings - another time?

SB xx

Crush Clone

Last night I decided I should be patriotic and watch the game between Australia and Ghana. I'm glad I made that decision, because, while watching, I found that the lovely Australian team member, Mark Bresciano has a striking resemblance to my very own Benchpress me NOW Boy.

Seriously - the likeness is freaky.

SB xx

(Oh yeah, in case it wasn't obvious, the above picture is not one of my own, rather a snap borrowed from a sporting website, who I would credit, if I could remember which it was!)

How do you fight loneliness?

Today, luckily I was able to withdraw from the world, but only a little. Or perhaps to say that I was able to withdraw from a timetable is a better way of putting it. Thankfully no work today meant I had a bit more of a buffer time to get myself put together. I had another momentary crying crisis this afternoon - this is concerning... very concerning. I don't understand it.

While at the gym, a terrible advert I saw, reminded me that I need to find things to giggle at. That God-awful corny advert for Magnum Gold ice cream, is kind of a take-off of Mr & Mrs Smith - and Benicio Del Toro has the lead role. Firstly, what the fuck is Benicio Del Toro doing, starring in a TV commercial for ice cream? And a bad one at that? Why Benicio, why? All I can say is that I hope the job paid really well, well enough to compensate for the worlds loss of respect for you as an actor. yyyowch! Somebody please give Benicio a real job!? I'm embarrassed on his behalf.

In other news, Benchpress me NOW Boy made a late appearance at the gym today. Today, I needed some cheering up, so I promptly made my way to the seated leg press so that I could spy him a little while he was on the rower. I wasn't too obvious, as there were a few people around and I didn't want to seem like a complete perve! He's still lovely, and I still want to be embraced by those big, powerful arms. Oh Benchpress me NOW Boy - will you just say something to me!?

And wisdom from Wilco, how do you fight loneliness? just smile all the time...

and the first thing that you want,
will be the last thing you ever need...

Got it.

SB xx

Mean Dreams

Today I woke up and remembered that through the course of the night, I had experienced some rather nice, but strange dreams about my ex-work crush guy, 'John'. When I could muster the energy, I cursed God aloud for being so cruel, for showing me things in my dreams that aren't real, that won't be real and that hurt me. A dream about Robbie Williams or the like I can handle, but 'John' who I am trying desperately to shake from me, well that's just plain mean.

Hence, today's song comes from Sia, called 'I go to sleep' -

When I look up from my pillow I dream you are there with me
Though you are far away I know you'll always be near me

I go to sleep and imagine that you're there with me
I go to sleep and imagine that you're there with me

I look around me and feel you are ever so close to me
Each tear that flows from my eyes brings back memories of you to me

I was wrong
I will cry
I will love you 'till the day I die
You alone
You alone and no one else
You were meant for me

When morning comes again I have the loneliness you left me
Each day drags by until finally night time descends on me

Just for the record, I don't consciously choose to dream about 'John' - although this clearly doesn't matter. I guess while we are on the subject, in the dream - for some reason 'John' and I were in the same house alone - I don't know, for work or whatever and things were a bit threatening and we had some trouble over the course of the night... so when we both awoke and then checked out the trouble, it was cold, so 'John' was like "hey, why don't we like, join our sleeping bags together and sleep next to one another, in the same bed, to keep warm". And of course dream me, was like "hey, yeah, good idea...". So we did, and nothing happened, but just the visual and the fading memory of lying next to him in the dark is disturbing. And now, while just describing the dream, I know exactly where it came from! Someone asked his girlfriend the other day, how it was without him around (because he's away at the moment), and she said "it's colder at night, in bed" - suppressing my upchuck reflex with a smile at the time... to that comment I now think - put some fucking socks on, BITCH!! I don't need to HEAR this stuff!

Ok - so dream dramas aside, I am trying very hard to erase him from my mind. It's difficult with his girlfriend in my face everyday though. And trying to be the graceful person, I'm being friendly with his girlfriend, who appears mostly to be warm and endearing and nice in her own way - but there's a part of me that won't ever trust her. God, it hurts. It's not her fault really. If it's anyones fault, it's mine. But enough of that.

I had another non-verbal, non-close encounter with Benchpress me NOW Boy today - he's still as muscly and broody as ever - but there's something safe about him. It could be his vibe I am tuning into, or purely the size of his biceps - time will tell perhaps. I have a terrible feeling I screwed up though. Normally I'm first on the bike, so usually he's the one joining me, one bike away. But today, he was on the bike first, and I didn't want to be crowding, so I went to the bike 2 bikes away from him, except the pedals were stuffed on that bike, so I had to move along another bike. SO, in essence, I abandoned my usual position - and maybe he's going to read something into that?! Or maybe he didn't notice, or doesn't care. Oh dear. I wish he'd just talk to me!

This entry is just awful. Listen to me bitch and moan and over think. Note to self - get a life!

Clearly still strange as ever,
SB xx

the things you do for (crush) love

Today I had my second and final chance of this week to grab an encounter with my gym crush. More of that in a minute... Firstly - I've been thinking reasonably hard about his new name, because clearly 'my gym crush' really doesn't do him as an individual, much justice. So, here are some of the contenders:

donkey kong - if you saw the car he drives and the way he looks while doing so, you would get it
man in the mirror - an obvious observation, but a little too hmm... Michael Jackson
popeye - a reference to the muscles (yes, I'm getting desperate for ideas)

But finally, I just had to go with the obvious, and keep it simple: he will now, forevermore (or at least until I learn of his real name) be known as 'Bench press Me NOW Boy'. Yeah, I know - it's inspired right? Anyway...

So, our gym encounter was a little lacklustre - again he disappointed me with no rowing machine action AND he arrived late, so I spent the remainder of my workout trying to stealthily figure out where in the room he was located, while also trying to avoid his gaze (and let me tell you, this is no easy task - in a room full of mirrors it's easy to get caught out!) while also trying to do what I actually went there for and, you know, exercise! Whilst walking around the area, I did my best to give that 'I'm red faced, sweaty and sexy and not worried at all about you looking at me' vibe. Self assessment says I didn't do too bad. I was very reckless today too, at the end of my session, I threw caution the wind... I thought, damn it - lets push it, so I took a sharp right turn at the weight machines where he was and climbed by ass onto the bike right by where he was standing (consequently, also right next to the bike he normally uses - hey, a girl notices these things). In my defence, he is right about those bikes - the seat is mega comfortable; when you are spending 20 minutes on the thing it's nice not to lose the feeling in your ass. Did I make any sort of a point, who knows, but for me, it was a push - and it's good for me to do that every now and then. Anyway - I rode nowhere for 20 minutes, dismounted, stretched and went home. Encounter end... or so I thought...

Some 90 minutes or so later, on my way home from a friends place, making an innocent left hand turn onto the road that would lead me home, who do I see approaching? It was none-other than Bench press me NOW Boy driving along in his ridiculous beaten up old car!! I giggled, both at the sight, and at the lovely serendipitous nature of the moment. So, I made my turn and decided that it would be a good idea to follow him (even though it would take me in the opposite direction of home), and then I could see where he lives!! So, I followed through the lights, through the roundabout and past the pub, before coming to my senses and realising a) it wasn't pitch dark and more importantly b) I'm not Dana Scully - so I took a sharp left and headed home - oh the glory!

And they - were my complete unedited encounters with Bench press me NOW Boy.

Until next time,
SB xx

Today Has Been OK

And today's ipod moment, goes to Emiliana Torrini:

friends tell me it's spring
my window shows the same
without you here the seasons pass me by
I know you were not new
that loved like me and you **(am starting to wonder about the credibility of these lyrics..)
all the same I miss you
today has been ok
today has been ok

And that sort of set the tone for the day. I had a day off today - which was lovely. It's the best feeling when you wake up and know you don't have to go to work that day - and it's NOT because it's a weekend, or because you've pulled a sickie - it's legal and it's DIVINE. And just so you know I don't ever use the word divine - so you know I mean it when I use it here.

I didn't do anything outstanding today, but I also didn't have to wear a watch - and that, in my book, is the sign of a great day. The day off did also grant me the chance to catch up with my gym crush! Our meeting was far too brief, and sadly, not accompanied by any earth moving visual encounters. It's been FAR too long since I spied him on the rowing machine - I live in hope that tomorrow delivers! (please, please God - let me see the mans muscles, I promise not to touch)!!

I don't think the title of 'gym crush' really does him justice either - we've known each other for so long that I think it's only fitting he get a better name. I will have a think on it and re-christen him.

Also, there is something a little disturbing about my gym crush that I've failed to mention before now - it's that I'm not sure if he has eyebrows!!! Is that awful? What would I be if I were the kind of person that discriminated against someone because of their eyebrows, or lack of them?!? I probably should try and find out if he does have eyebrows - just so I know. The shaved head I can deal with, but babies with no eyebrows - now that's pushing it a little too far! What would my mother think? Oh man, I just had an idea for his name.... but it's so un-flattering that I won't actually use it - unless he's in the bad books of course... ready for it... Mr Potato Head!

Until next time,

Mrs Potato Head

Storms and Fevers

I almost walked INTO my gym crush today. Although, not a great encounter, as he avoided my eyes. I have figured there are some possible reasons for this:

1) he finds me hideously unattractive
2) he finds me awesomely attractive that he doesn't know what to do or
3) (and most likely) my attempting to apologise for nearly bumping into him with my 'sorry' which, when it left my mouth, came out freakishly croaky like I was Freddy friggen Kruger, scared him away... in my defence, I did have my earphones in and music on... :(

On the positive side - he did stop and let me pass, so, either he's a regular 2010 gentleman, or I was just too scary so he wanted to keep me where he could see me?

He did however redeem himself somewhat, and offered what I would consider an gesture of olive branch proportions in the gym world - he came and used the exercise bike next to mine! Believe it or not, this is a BIG development. Hey, I wouldn't put a deposit on the wedding cake just yet, but... So, we both sat there, riding the crap out of our bikes, riding to big fat nowhere - spending 10 gloriously awkward minutes, avoiding each others gazes, pretending to be intensely loving the music playing in our respective mp3 players. It's ridiculous, but I love it!

It's been so long since I had the opportunity to spy on his lovely physique gripping thy old rowing machine - but I live in hope for the next opportunity to do so. He has a Vin Diesel air about him, and is built like a mythical roman god. His arms.... oh god, they make me weak at the knees. Dear God... sorry for bringing you into this discussion, but I think I need to get laid?

Ok, so like any other crush, it will probably kill me slowly from the inside - but in the meantime, it's a nice incentive for visiting the gym and getting some much needed exercise. And hey, it's not a bad distraction from the crap going down at work.

And, dear Gym Crush - if you are out there, and you're reading this - please don't be afraid of me, I am lovely really.

Until next time,
SB