driving in dreams

Last night I had a bad dream.

In this dream, I was driving this huge 4WD - it was awkward to handle, and hard to move - I was completely out of my depth.  And then I tried to park it, and I had to park it in this tiny spot, amongst the nicer cars of people who didn't like me.  And as I was trying to correct my parking, I ended up smashing into all these cars, causing a huge mess and uproar.  I didn't know what I was doing, and people were angry with me.  In the dream, I also drove this car in dark, unfamiliar streets and I felt scared, and alone.

In reality as I drove to work this morning, I thought about what the contents of this dream might mean.  If I transferred the belief that driving in dreams is supposed to indicate how you are 'driving' in life - then, that would mean that loosely I currently find myself in uncharted territory, driving ideas and feelings I don't know how to manoeuvre. Which is true.

Yesterday I turned 31.  The lovely moon decided to eclipse and turn red (only my favourite colour, since forever!), which I thought was a superb present, thank you moon and sun - although I couldn't appreciate it, being that I'm in Western Australia and us folks didn't have the greatest view.  It didn't matter though, I knew something special was happening somewhere, and I was happy enough.  After fare-welling visitors, inside I came to find a lovely butterfly sitting on the kitchen cupboards.  A proper daytime butterfly with deep black wings, speckled with white dots. Once I got over the shock (almost mistaking it for a horrible moth - eek!) it felt like a present, just for me.

I'm managing a saga of a migraine headache at present, an almost unrelenting ping of pain from my neck into my head, and an insatiable appetite for sleep.  And I'm just trying to do it all, while juggling thoughts about accepting myself in my 31st year, wondering if someone will think I'm worth their time, effort, love. And more importantly, whether I could ever think that of myself.

My two year old niece is in her 'abracadabra' stage - she twirls her finger and while shouting the word declares she has turned me into a frog!  Today, I went to buy her a little toy wand, so she could practice her magic for real.

Remember being a child, and thinking anything was possible?

being Pat Benatar

I had a weird dream the other night. I dreamed I was staying in a weird house with my ex-hairdresser (odd fact #1) and her brother. There was a dinner party, and then afterwards the floor turned to sludge (odd fact #2). I was there, but I didn't look like me (as a side note, isn't it interesting when we have dreams where it feels like our point of view, but we look like an entirely different person - I wonder if it's past-life-esque? Anyway...).

Anyway... after the sludge, I put on a performance for all the guests, in the hope it would impress ex-hairdressers brother.  Said performance was an unplugged version of Pat Benatar's "hit me with your best shot" (odd fact #3 - odd because I. Don't. Sing.) with special thrusting and vigorous gestures for the apple of my eye.  Yes, that's right, I was willing ex-hairdressers brother to hit me with his [metaphorical] best shot of love! And he did. And my, it was lovely.

Aside from all the weird bits, when I awoke from this dream all I wanted to do was go back to sleep and dream some more.  Because it reminded me that I want someone to love me, I want to be the object of someones desires, and I would like to have sex again before my insides shrivel and wither to dust.

nobodies baby, everybody's girl

I sort of fell in love last night.... but he doesn't know it.

I happened upon him at a social outing; he was singing sad, bluesy songs with his sexy, gravelly voice. He had warm, youthful brown eyes and I had seriously considered paying him to say my name over and over and over again. His generous beard had ginger undertones, but I did not care. 

By his second song I was preparing the "Mum I'm going to marry a ginger" speech in my head - even at the risk of being disowned.  By 11pm we were meeting each others parents (and I was charming the fucking pants off his folks, let me tell you!) and at the nights end, we had fictional babies and a permanent address.

See, this is what happens when I go out in public; I find people I can't have. I fall in lust way-too-quickly.

But, I make a terrible groupie - so I was never going to make a very good impression.  When I went to buy his E.P's, he gave me back the wrong change and when I figured it out I didn't want to say anything (although he did realise and called me back) but I did make myself look like a total dumb-ass.  I'm not stupid, really...

red hot

I have been having some seriously weird dreams lately. Last night, it was that I got together with the current male university student we have at work right now. Which is ok I suppose - except for the fact that he's a 'ginger'. I've already been told by my Mother, that she doesn't think she could love ginger, freckly grand babies - so I best not be making any babies with ginger men... or any men with ginger genealogy - which could get tricky.

Now might be a good time to admit that I think the ginger uni student is kind of cute. And that this dream kept me awake from 4.30am this morning.

Anyway - it could be that this student simply reminds me of the magnetic Michael C Hall. I sort of love him, and don't mind at all that he plays a disconnected, emotionally retarded serial killer. He's a hot little ginger.

Oh, Michael. C. Hall...

SB xx

Trouble been doggin' my soul since the day I was born

I'm retiring to the comforts of my bed earlier than usual tonight. There is a chill in me that I cannot warm, and I just want to remove myself from waking existence right now.

Oh, it's not all that bad. Work is just kind of crappy at the moment, and I'm doing my best; I'm trying to be flexible and understanding and calm - but some days it takes all of my patience just to show up to work. There are just loads of really stupid people in the world, and selfish ones too. Perhaps someday I will get to the point of sympathising for the stupid... but right now, the overwhelming emotion I feel is frustration.  I think I will always expect more from humanity than I will ever get. Supply is not meeting demand. I know I demand too much. I demand too much of myself sometimes, and certainly I can expect too much from others.

I haven't heard from John in almost two months I think. I have made a conscious effort to leave it be. Even fighting my own fleeting impulses of loneliness to write just 'one more email'. As difficult as it is to admit, I accept that I'm just not a priority - I simply can't be. But, it's ok, because he has made that point pretty clear. I did send him a Christmas card of sorts yesterday though, with a small novelty gift. No, I'm not being pathetic... at least I don't mean to be. I found this gift months ago and had always intended it for him. I got to the point where I just wanted it gone from sight. So, I say now, with complete honesty, that I am not invested in any particular outcome from this card and gift - John will do what John does, and I will continue to move in some semblance of a forward direction. A male coworker joked today that denial is a man's go to strategy for everything that happens. It's an interesting insight. If I were a boy...

I think I dreamt last night that I was getting married. No clue as to the identity of the groom. I wonder if it was wishful thinking or perhaps a side effect of helping a co-worker design her 'save the date' card. The intoxicating feeling of being 'wanted' in my dream is the part that lingers with some intensity. Dare to dream, dare to wake.

SB xx

how my heart behaves

The cold heart will burst
If mistrusted first
And a calm heart will break
When given a shake
(Feist - how my heart behaves)

I had a rather strange and disturbing dream last night that I haven't really been able to shake all day.  It was completely of the imagined - none of the sequencing made sense, the environments, the motives - all born of strange and wanting... and it kind of felt like a warning, or a message - I don't know.

It starts in the middle of a scene where I am talking to my father - we are expecting the arrival of John.  John's maybe Grandfather has just passed away and John is coming perhaps from the funeral to see me? Why, I don't know. My father says to me (as if referencing an earlier conversation in the dream-reality) "now I know you said you aren't really looking for anybody at the moment - but you said you have a maybe someone in mind... I hope it's not him you have in mind" (speaking of John).  I start to question my father - "why, want do you mean" - he just smirks and shrugs his shoulders as if to say, you are heading for trouble and I cannot pull you away, so I must ride it out with you. We are interrupted by John's arrival - he is dressed in black pants and white shirt - he is cold and does not respond to me when I say hello.

We (my father, John and I) drive to some weird little country town - it's now pitch black as we drive.  The car is mostly silent - I feel John is seething with anger towards me, and while I am worried, my overwhelming emotion is the excitement that he is here. He speaks with my father - no one talks to me. I am preoccupied with making it to work on time.

We arrive and fashion some kind of bush breakfast - we eat together - day dawns and John and I are left alone.  I don't remember what we talk about - there isn't a lot of talking, he still seems angry at me.  Then, it's all a little hazy - but he warms to me and asks me to dance (like, slow dance) - in the middle of nowhere, to no music. I'm concerned about the no music thing, but he insists.  I think this is where the dream ends.

When I write it back like that, all fragmented, I realise how ridiculous it all sounds. It just comes at a really poor time.  I was starting to feel that maybe I'd come to terms with everything.  I haven't heard from him in a few weeks, I haven't made contact with him in a couple.  I resigned myself to the idea that I would not contact him anymore - unless it's in response to him contacting me. Then I have this dream, and it's all weird in my head and I don't know what to make of it.

Subconscious, what are you trying to say?

SB xx