I realise, that at the moment my life is filled to the brim with negativity and a dash of self pity. I am, and have been, totally consumed with anger, resentment and general ill feelings. This isn't me. This isn't the picture I want for myself. I fear that I am doing a bad job of representing myself, and I don't want that anymore. If this is an extension of me, of all the things I am - yes, it should include the bad and the ugly, but it should not be a vehicle for me to wallow in my own pool of discontent. I will always be 'real', but I also need to be realistic about the feelings I hold onto tightly, because sometimes they are poisonous.
Work is bloody awful. I'm doing things I shouldn't be, I'm being taken for granted and putting up with a lot of shit that generally shouldn't have to enter my consciousness. So this is crappy, but I don't want it to turn me crappy. I'm going to do my very best to be my very best, not because I want to get thanked for it, but because it's a defining part of me. I'm going to smile (even if I have to paste it on) and I'm going to laugh when the opportunity arises. I know I'll probably have moments where I'll get angry, so I'll do that - but then I'll do my best to move on.
As for John. All my wailing and moping is unbecoming, and frankly I deserve more than that. I should want more for myself than that - whatever ugliness that is. So StrangeBird, the boy you want doesn't want you - 'man up' about it! Maybe, just maybe this says more about the kind of person he is, than it says about me. Maybe I'm not defective. I just need to remind myself of that; a lot. Some days that's hard... as clearly you've been witness to. I'm trying, I really am.
So, for tonight. No more wallow. Tonight, a promise, to treat myself better... and, the start of a small list of the things in life that make it worth living.
- baby giggles
- the moment when you and someone else simultaneously see something amusing, make eye contact and explode into laughter - without a word
- slipping into a warm bed on a cold night
- hearing a song that gives you goosebumps because of it's awesomeness
- being the recipient of an unexpected smile
- the smell of onion and garlic frying in oil
- the excitement at pulling off the protective thin plastic that covers a new appliance surface
Just a start. Here's to a new day, a new approach.