Always Minding the Bollocks

I feel like that phone; the one that's on silent mode, so it's owner doesn't have to think about it, and wonder, every time it rings. Eternally silent so my prime function doesn't disturb anyone. Still doing the job - but not being recognised for it.

Why is it that people 'silence' me? Perhaps because they assume I have nothing to say, or because what I say doesn't matter. Maybe because I don't get paid enough to have important thoughts?

Yes, it's all sounding rather dramatic - and sometimes, it feels just like that to me.

I ordered some work shirts during the week - ones more 'tailored' to my job description. Perhaps if I stop dressing like a secretary, I'll stop getting treated like one. I'll be wearing them at the risk of looking daggy - but most people at work have that opinion of me anyway. It's a good thing most people don't matter, most of the time.

It's one week until John lands his arse back into town. The absence has made some things easier; but lately night time has been hard. I've been having a lot of dreams about him. I suppose my poor subconscious is just trying to clean up the mess. There's a big part of me that doesn't want to see him; I don't want it to get harder again; awkward. Holding myself back all the time takes all the energy I have some days.

And Baby Jesus, if I could only just get his poisonous lesser half to fuck off from my daily existence - that would be remarkably excellent.

Please, don't get me wrong; I'm not bitter, or jealous of her - I just see her now for what she really is, and I don't like it. I don't like it and I don't want to be around it.

Honestly, I'm not even sure I like him anymore. I think maybe I'm in love with the way I imagined him to be, in my head - but now my minds picture and that of reality doesn't sync anymore - and I find myself grieving for something lost. A possibility? I find myself compromising who I am; so that I might fit the 'picture' of my 'picture' John - what a joke. I pray that I have the courage to resist whatever remnants remain - to consider what his opinion might be and put it last - just as that has been done to me.

Still strange, hopefully stronger..

SB xx