The storm that broke the birds back

I feel like I have been smothered in the shadow of a dark cloud since 2011 started, and this weekend proved no different. On Saturday, being the clever bird I am, I reversed my car into what can only be described as 'a small tree enclosed in a moat of concrete.' I couldn't believe my luck, or my idiocy - and I have now sworn to never reverse unnecessarily again. At this point, I don't actually know how it is people leave me in charge of important things - like money, handbags, children? I thought my stupid years were over - I appear to be getting stupider as time goes on.

On top of all of this, the whole place is in a sort of heat lock down. It has been 44+ degrees the past two days, and there is no other way to describe it, than to say it's kind of been like living inside a sauna. Even when you are absolutely stationary, you sweat - you sweat where ever a part of your body touches the surface of another thing and I'm talking about proper sweat beads - in your eyes, down your face and neck. You know when you're watching a TV show and a character has just gone for a run or a big workout, and they have what we assume is water all over their face, neck and t-shirt in such a way that makes you think 'yeah right that is so fake.' Well this is the way I have looked for the past two days, and mine has been the real deal. I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever know again, what it's like to not have every inch of my body covered in sweat - for sure, a big shout out to the body's cooling system, but for crying out loud!?

Storms have threatened the air for the past three nights. Lighting and thunder shows, and a little rain - but all in all, mostly bark and no bite. I hope that when the rain does finally break, that it washes away all this shit that has built up - all the heat and the steam, the grime and mess - that it will finally be gone and be replaced with something like hope.

SB xx

Que Sera Sera

It's the only thing we/I really need to remember.  Control is an illusion.  Nothing can be forced.

SB xx

this must be what the place looks like, from afar

Apologies - my posts about John are irritating (they irritate me, but they are an account of what's occupying my head at the time). I know I don't do lust, or things unrequited very well.  I am an impatient and fiery Aries and when I want something, I want it, now- no two ways about it.

He's not mine, he never will be.  He's not mine, he never will be.  He's not mine, he never will be. Perhaps if I say it to myself enough, it will sink in.

I'm so tired of wanting things I can't have.  Life keeps dangling carrots in my face, or at least in my general direction - just long enough for me to see what it looks like, before it is promptly yanked away, and eaten by someone else.  Each day, I wake up and I wonder, is this the day everything is going to change?  Is this the day that is going to turn everything on it's head?

Don't mind my bad mood - I'm just well-pissed that a kick-ass dress I ordered online arrived today and doesn't fit properly, and now I can't buy it anymore.  Hell hath no fury....

Really, I am looking down the barrel of another year.  I am thinking if not now, when?  I'm trying, I'm pushing, I'm trying to pave a little way forward, I'm just tired.  I want someone to look at me and see all the things I know are possible.  I want to be the person in somebody's dream.

I am making a fool of myself with John.  Seriously, he can't be that stupid?  I thought I could distract myself with a new male recruit who recently started at work, but alas my vibe-o-meter hit 'creepy' almost instantaneously (and I know, it's not nice to judge so quickly, or to judge at all... but seriously).  This guy talks like the teacher from 'Ferris Bueller' (anyone...anyone...anyone?) looks like he hasn't eaten solid food for two months and shakes hands like a cold dead fish (now you can't tell me the handshake isn't an indicator of something!).  If John is 10, then Newbie is 2 and that is NOT all looks I'm talking about.

Geez - I better bitch-down.  I have more important things to worry about, like getting a handle on a new job while the place is falling apart.  Fuck.

Until the picture clears up, I'll have to stick to creating it in my mind.

SB xx

wants, needs & realities

"I want you, I want you, I need you to want me, I want you to want me" ARGHHHH! If only I could convey how much this hurts - how much I want to change to be enough; how much I wish he'd just kiss me, just once. I know there would be no longevity - but just to realise a moment 18 months in the making. Deprivation is true insanity.

I know I'm not making much sense. Today I was standing next to him, I just wanted to reach out to his chest and feel what's beneath his shirt. That is 'man' beneath that cotton cover - hairy, gritty, strong, man. The hands, they are commanding, precise - it would be all surrender and no miscommunication if they got involved. I don't know what is wrong with me. Is it the heat of the summer? I've never wanted to be taken advantage of, more than the way I want it from John.

He makes me want to scream and cry and be stuck in the reflection of his cold green eyes for the longest time. He makes me want to forget myself, he makes me want to remove my mask only to replace it with one of his choosing - the scary thing is, I think I'd let him.

Oh God - release me.

SB xx

The Memory Machine

I made it home. Home is where the heart becomes distracted. Even though my trip away was brief and less than exciting, it did deliver some moments where I was alone with my thoughts. I was alone with the traffic and the noise of a big city which should have proved to be a giant concrete diversion - but it actually served to bring my mind back to 'me'.

It's sad and pathetic to recount just how many times my mind turned to John. I fear that for as long as that boy is around, I will be under his spell. At best, all I can hope is that it subsides once he is gone from my existence. Whenever that may be.

I also found myself thinking a lot of my friend who is leaving work, and town next week. It is to be her farewell lunch on Monday. I thought about what I might say if I have the opportunity to speak at her farewell - it is not the norm for someone like me to partake in farewell speech-giving and I am not the type to be inclined to volunteer - but there is something so special about my friend J, that makes me want to risk public humiliation and discomfort just to remind people how awesome she is. I have some things in mind, what I'd like to say - that is, if I am able to cease sobbing into my chicken parmigiana for more than five minutes to do so.

The break from domestic duties was also what the doctor ordered - 48 hours where I could put myself mostly first was refreshing. I was able to centre myself, remind myself what was important and try to think of some strategies to deal with the coming weeks. I'm back home now, to familiar faces and settings, a weekend at my feet; still strange, a little stronger and more ready for what comes next... I think.

SB xx

The kid is not alright

I had another of those moments today - dissolved into sobbing tears about a bunch of little stuff that makes one big pile - I thought to myself, I'm not coping... I don't know what to do.

There has been upheaval in the house the past week.  My Mum has been incapacitated, so I've been doing everything around the house - animal, mineral, plant and vegetable and it has brought with it a certain amount of stress and pressure.  I've reached my threshold for shit at work too - so I'm getting frustrated there and making it known to certain people - which just makes me feel like a class 'A' bitch.  I get left out of the 'cool kids' group, people don't answer my emails, my job is changing, my opportunity for handover is quickly diminishing, I want to hate John but I seem incapable, it's fucking hot in this desert hole of a place, I want to scream, I want to cry, the world - it NEVER revolves around me (not even a little), oh, and people - they are generally shit too.  That about sums it up.  Oh yeah - and I have to have a procedure done in the city on Friday - so it's 12 hours driving for me in the next 48 hours, to find out God knows what?!

I don't know what is going to fix this - because even the release isn't enough.  I'm not ok and I don't know when I will be.

SB xx

Ch-ch-ch-changes

This little bird has been sitting atop an unsteady branch for some time; now the wind of change has stolen me away from the place I know, and I am fearful.

My best friend at work is leaving. I am due to fill her rock steady shoes - I wonder if I am capable? My job is changing - more hours, more responsibility...more fears.

2011 is at my doorstep; is that the sound of opportunity knocking or something else? Will I fly or will I fail?

SB xx

amputee

It's looking like a limb torn off
Or all together just taken apart
We're reeling through an endless fall
We are the ever-living ghost of what once was

Cee Lo Green 'No one's gonna love you'

SB xx

letting people in

I had the unusual opportunity to enter strangers houses today - for legitimate work related activities, of course! Seeing the way people live - was kind of an eye-opener for me. That some people can live in a dark mountain of mess and clutter and call it home - did nothing short of amaze me. Another house had photos of family and friends lining entire walls - it was unexpected, and kind of nice to see. I found myself thinking about what a brave act it is to let another into your home. I can see now, why it is so devastating to have unwanted visitors with ill-intentions bust into the places were you sleep, create and dream - we lay ourselves truly bare in our homes. For some of us - for people like me - it is a place where you don't have to put on any masks - it is an impenetrable tower - complete with a moat to wash away the dirt of the outside world.

So, that's how I feel about a house - imagine how hard it is to let someone in... to me.

I have so many masks and walls. I'm trying to knock them down and let the real StrangeBird fly - but it's hard. It's hard, with situations like John, when sometimes all I want is to let him in - so then I try, and it gets rejected - I do something wrong, and I don't even know what that something is. I think I have to accept that it is not the colour of my eyes, the length of my hair or the humour of my jokes that is going to win him over. I think if I were able to win him - he would already be mine. I don't imagine he's completely un-winnable, just not an eligible prize for me. That. Sucks.

Still, today reminded me, that when you enter someones home, or heart - the journey can be surprising, rewarding and mutually enlightening.

I'm standing at the door, I'm knocking - someone, let me in!

SB xx

When Mother Gets Mean

I simply cannot imagine what it must be like to have everything you've ever known washed away. It's like God has taken an eraser to his hand-drawn masterpiece.

Some people have died; some people have nothing left. It's just awful.

SB xx

pancakes and life shakes

There's nothing like hearing about the exciting plans of others to make you feel like your life has zero direction.

I went out for breakfast this morning for a catch up with an old workmate, and another mutual 'mate'. They both had exciting things to speak of, one is moving to the other side of the country to explore work options and I can't help but be a little jealous.

Ten years ago, when I was in a really bad head space, I wish I'd made some different choices. I wish I'd never changed my uni preferences at the 11th hour and I wish I hadn't backed out of uni altogether. Sometimes I feel like these were my defining moments - like this is where my life splits into two distinct roads.

Don't get me wrong - my life has led me along certain unexpected paths and there are things I think 'wow' when I look back. But it's during conversations like today - when I'm the uneducated third wheel in the equation; when I'm the only one not university educated, without an actual profession - it's times like that I say, geez, I could have done so much better... I was meant to do SO much better.

Still, I'll try not to take all of this as a kick in the guts... more a kick in the pants. It can be a starting point for working towards something. It's a time to make some goals - get this study done, save money for travels, think about the future. Maybe this bird is finally growing up?

SB xx

Mash It

SB xx

D.O.A.

Death On Arrival

(me at work this morning)

Dick On Arrival

(John's demeanour, from the start of the day)

Departure Of Asshole

(John when he left work this afternoon... annnd...

pretty much any time he walked out the door today)

Outlook: awkward

Right, so that little email... don't think it went down so well. So now, I'm feeling shitty, even though I didn't really do anything wrong - I just tried some honesty. Maybe it's not what he wanted to hear; maybe I put pressure where it's not wanted; maybe he disagrees, strongly; or maybe he's just a dick. Whatever, if that is actually how he's going to react - leave now.

I'm sure I should have just left it well alone. Just stupid me, trying to make a difference, trying to be supportive. Who's the dick now?

Suffice to say, I didn't get a reply. I didn't get anything beyond 'hello' and 'goodbye' all day. I got nothing. I almost wish he'd replied in anger - at least then I'd know where I stood for certain.

Something in me drives me to confront him about it - in actual person. I'll take the weekend to think on it and gauge how things go next week.

SB xx

death by email

Uh oh - sent another one of those emails this afternoon - to John no less. We've each been playing a cat and mouse game with words - since before Christmas. I don't get his motivation.

My motivation is that I can't speak to him like this, face-to-face;
My motivation is because I care more than I should.

If he didn't appreciate what I wrote - why wouldn't he just leave it? He's a guy - just ignore and move on - it's not like he hasn't already sold out - so why does he keep pressing me?

He wanted me to 'expand' on what I meant. Oh, I gave him some expansion and a whole lot of frank. If he doesn't get it when he reads that email - he is truly stupid.

Forecast for tomorrow points to one of two distinct possibilities: it'll either be a groundbreaking day or a really awkward one. All money is on the awkward - but, you never know.

SB xx

It's moments like these

I feel like I have so much to say, but no words and nowhere to start. These last couple of weeks have been crazy - between the festivities and dramas, tooth-aches, belly-aches and public holidays, I can barely recollect my full name.

There's been activity and drama in the house of StrangeBird, which has left little space in the family room for solo acts. I'm at that familiar point again, where I just want life to slow down. You know that weird button on a remote that you might accidentally push, and it almost freezes things, but you end up going slow-mo, frame for frame. I need a button like that.

It's been raining today - the hot, sticky summer rain that smells clean but leaves you and everything you touch feeling dirty - everything is dampened by this meteorological outburst. It's horrible, my hair won't behave and I'm about to have an outburst of my own! I can't take the heat, the sweat, the dirt, the feeling that yet another thing is pushing down on me.

But, the universe is unmoved by my feelings on the matter - she means business tonight. Respect where it's due. Sister thunder comes out to play every now and then - they play a duet. Tonight the universe is a woman that wants to be heard.

SB xx

We CAN Do It!

I love this old poster and what it stands for, which is why I was sad to read that the lady who inspired the gorgeous illustration, died recently. Her name was Geraldine Doyle, and it was her photo that the poster was based on (minus the strong, manly arms apparently). The word on the street is that Geraldine didn't actually stick around the factory too long after the photo was taken - on account of not wanting to hurt her hands (and fair enough too I say)!

'Rosie the Riveter' is less about the person Geraldine Doyle, and more about the spirit of womanhood. I declare that inside us all lives a strong armed, kick arse broad, rocking a cute bandanna and a can-do attitude! It's a reminder that we all have great strength within us. I heard a well known quote once, and it has stayed with me ever since; I can't recall who said it but it goes something like 'Women are like tea bags - they get stronger when in hot water.'

Farewell Geraldine Doyle, live on Rosie!

SB xx

A renovators delight

It's that funny time, where all things red, green and sparkly are put away for another year. The season of frivolity and indulgence now passed, and the dark skies are glittered momentarily with fireworks that sprinkle their magic dust of hope in the air. It's those moments I think our slates are wiped clean, and for at least that moment, we believe the year ahead holds all possibility.

I'm not sure what 2011 holds - I implore it to treat me kindly. 2010 has ended on rather a roughened note for me - all kinds of trouble (or lack there-of) money troubles, health troubles, man troubles and workplace woes.

I want 2011 to be the year my cosmic order finally gets delivered. On the scales of life, I'd like to think I tip heavily on the good side. It's my turn, surely? I haven't got resolutions set in stone. But if 2010 was my year for 'making things happen', then 2011 would have to be the follow-up of that.

Now is the time for release; renewal of spirit and reassessment. Some goals for me:
- learn to be more accepting - of people, situations and life's flow
- look after myself, physically, emotionally and spiritually
- be true - say what I feel, be who I am and do the things that make my heart soar (or sing, or at least beat a little faster!)

Happy, happy new year - with a cherry on the top!

SB xx