"I want you, I want you, I need you to want me, I want you to want me" ARGHHHH! If only I could convey how much this hurts - how much I want to change to be enough; how much I wish he'd just kiss me, just once. I know there would be no longevity - but just to realise a moment 18 months in the making. Deprivation is true insanity.
I know I'm not making much sense. Today I was standing next to him, I just wanted to reach out to his chest and feel what's beneath his shirt. That is 'man' beneath that cotton cover - hairy, gritty, strong, man. The hands, they are commanding, precise - it would be all surrender and no miscommunication if they got involved. I don't know what is wrong with me. Is it the heat of the summer? I've never wanted to be taken advantage of, more than the way I want it from John.
He makes me want to scream and cry and be stuck in the reflection of his cold green eyes for the longest time. He makes me want to forget myself, he makes me want to remove my mask only to replace it with one of his choosing - the scary thing is, I think I'd let him.
Oh God - release me.