Thursday, January 27, 2011

this must be what the place looks like, from afar

Apologies - my posts about John are irritating (they irritate me, but they are an account of what's occupying my head at the time). I know I don't do lust, or things unrequited very well.  I am an impatient and fiery Aries and when I want something, I want it, now- no two ways about it.

He's not mine, he never will be.  He's not mine, he never will be.  He's not mine, he never will be. Perhaps if I say it to myself enough, it will sink in.

I'm so tired of wanting things I can't have.  Life keeps dangling carrots in my face, or at least in my general direction - just long enough for me to see what it looks like, before it is promptly yanked away, and eaten by someone else.  Each day, I wake up and I wonder, is this the day everything is going to change?  Is this the day that is going to turn everything on it's head?

Don't mind my bad mood - I'm just well-pissed that a kick-ass dress I ordered online arrived today and doesn't fit properly, and now I can't buy it anymore.  Hell hath no fury....

Really, I am looking down the barrel of another year.  I am thinking if not now, when?  I'm trying, I'm pushing, I'm trying to pave a little way forward, I'm just tired.  I want someone to look at me and see all the things I know are possible.  I want to be the person in somebody's dream.

I am making a fool of myself with John.  Seriously, he can't be that stupid?  I thought I could distract myself with a new male recruit who recently started at work, but alas my vibe-o-meter hit 'creepy' almost instantaneously (and I know, it's not nice to judge so quickly, or to judge at all... but seriously).  This guy talks like the teacher from 'Ferris Bueller' (anyone...anyone...anyone?) looks like he hasn't eaten solid food for two months and shakes hands like a cold dead fish (now you can't tell me the handshake isn't an indicator of something!).  If John is 10, then Newbie is 2 and that is NOT all looks I'm talking about.

Geez - I better bitch-down.  I have more important things to worry about, like getting a handle on a new job while the place is falling apart.  Fuck.

Until the picture clears up, I'll have to stick to creating it in my mind.

SB xx

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