just one

SB xx

Holiday Cabin Fever

My 21 year old cousin provides inspiration for my latest source of personal self pity and loathing.

She has just returned from a tropical holiday, with her new boyfriend of two months, to announce (via facebook I might add) that they are engaged!

Despite the fact that I think it's a knee jerk reaction to something, I do wish her happiness, and I hope it's the real deal. It's just that it's getting pretty fucking grim from where I am standing!

Eeeek!

SB xx

There's something about Betty!

I missed all the hype with 'Mad Men', so I am only now just working my way through the seasons. I saw this episode tonight and it makes me love Betty Draper even more.

From one strange 'bird' to another....

SB xx

Basic Instincts

I've come to learn that there is a lot to be said for the gut feeling you get when you first meet someone. And that, simply put, just means you can pretty much bank on your first impression being the right one. As they say 'first impressions last', and for good reason too.

Lets take a look at my history, ok?

John - good at heart; knows how to turn 'it' on - TRUE
SpottyApple - bitch; manipulator - TRUE 'dat
My boss - good spirit; lacks 'stamina' - TRUE
My Brother-in-law - general good guy; talks a lot of shit - TRUE
My friend Red - quirky but loyal - TRUE
Unfriendly office bitches - bitches - ahh TRUE
Girl at the Subway counter who cut my bread roll - kind; probably gay - (pretty sure) TRUE
Dr Speech Impediment (fellow party attendee) - likes the sound of his own voice - all indications say TRUE

A while ago I was reading a really interesting book that talked about that sort of stuff - it basically said we were finely tuned from our lifelong experiences, to gauge a person, upon first meeting them. I'm fairly confident that my sense of intuition is well developed and that I get a read on people pretty quickly.

The only worry for me is, what kind of first impression am I giving out?!

SB xx

We Won't Dance

Let the Washington love fest continue.

SB xx

Poor Planning

Note to self: no good will ever come of living in the same home as a menopausal woman.

Why the fuck am I still living at home? Oh, that's right, 'cause I'm a big fat fucking failure... fantastic (on the up side, I can use alliteration like a bad-ass). Silver lining... sil-ver. lining.

In case it wasn't obvious, I'm in a horrid mood. I've had a crappy weekend, and I just want to go home. Oh, but wait; I AM home.

Ahhhhhhh!

I went to a party last night - it was a workmates birthday. I think it was a sympathy invite; it was for a dress up party - what the fuck was I thinking when I said I'd go? What made me think putting on a costume was somehow going to make me fit in better? I don't know!? It wasn't a complete disaster - but let's just say I'm hoping the remainder of attendees are now suffering from a bad bout of alcohol induced amnesia. Now if that's not a good enough reason to start drinking, I don't know what is!

To top it off, my family are giving me the shits, and I am giving it right back. (I'm nothing, if not a giver). I just feel the pressure inside me building and I'm getting angrier with every passing moment - and when I get like this, I just need to vacate from the vicinity of people. It's safer for everyone that way.

I'm sorry - I'm not very good company, today especially.

SB xx

it doesn't matter how you handle the drive on a straight - what really matters is what you do when the road gets twisty...

Prime Crimes

It's been a tumultuous week this week. I have bounced from crazy highs to deep lows with a vast array of anxiety ridden moments in between. I haven't written about it, because I haven't really known what to say; I still don't.

I found myself hating my job, and myself for being where I am. Don't get me wrong, I love what my job looks like on paper, and I love the ladies I work closely with - but the rest of the world doesn't seem to have the deep appreciation for my occupation, that I think it deserves. In my world, I am a non-university graduate, in a sea of university trained professionals. Most of them are ok, most of the time - but each and every one still thinks they are better than me at some point - and it sucks balls when they all do this at the same time!

I feel in my next life, like I want to come back to be someone super important and integral in peoples lives and well being. When I'm watching a medical show on the TV, I want to be the awesome surgeon saving lives. It's not an ego thing, I really just want to feel like I make a difference to people. I hope that someday soon, the realisation will come to me, that we don't have to have a special certificate and a whopping HECS bill to show we can be amazing.

I have been reading "The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie" and while I'm finding it hard to stay focused, it is proving interesting. I feel like this is the time in my life, when I should be at my 'prime'... but hell, at this point, I'm not even sure I'm in the same neighbourhood!

Everything I do, appears to be in the spirit of crimes against my 'prime'. I worry a lot, and I don't like unpredictability, I don't love or trust quickly, I don't open up easily... I don't really like people. Which has me wondering - when is it my prime-time? and will I know it when it arrives??

SB xx

The answer, is blowing in the winds of a big jet plane

I am holding my ground. It may be unsteady ground, but it's mine, and I'm doing all I can to keep it. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I can't control everything; that I can't control people, or their reactions - despite my best efforts and purest intentions.

At work, my boss has finally arrived at the expected meltdown stage. She finds the staffing situation less amusing, now that she's in the thick of it. Her reactions intrigue me, because when she is faced with difficulty, she becomes paralysed by it. She is not productive, she will not listen to reason or rally. I find it ridiculous, and although I sympathise with, and understand her innate instinct to take 'flight', rather than 'fight' - I find it difficult to respect. Those of us that manage to keep our heads, fumble along as best we can. They will be interesting times ahead.

It is easier being at work, not having John there. I don't have to think about how I'm reacting to things, and I don't find myself wondering where he is, when he should be at his desk. Saying goodbye to the poisonous little snake that is SpottyApple will be positive I think. Although, I wish her departure were to a greater distance, and not just down the hall. Out with the bad, I say, and hopefully in with the good.

Seeing facebook updates of Johns travels is making me jealous. They make me itch to be in foreign places, and not here - replaying the same shit. I'm going to start saving up for a proper holiday/adventure. My passport is sitting there, waiting for it's metaphorical 'cherry' to be popped. It's time I stopped waiting on others to do it for me. I'll travel alone if I have to.

SB xx

the way you make me feel

Possibly the most amazing song in existence. I don't imagine to understand completely what it's about, but I know the effect it has on me when I hear it. Damien Rice's '9 Crimes' is extraordinary.

This song is how I feel right now. Defeated, confused. It's a right pain in the arse, but it's worth waiting for the video to buffer.

SB xx

Much Ado, About.. Nothing?

It's been a few days, and I really wish I had something intriguing to write about.. but alas, I do not. This weekend has been subdued, but unsettled at the same time - things don't feel to fit the way they should; or is that the other way around?

I'm in a bit of a mood. Like I want to crawl into an abandoned cave, where I am warm and safe - but alone. I think I need to be alone with my thoughts - we've got some shit to sort out.

John is away for a month. He left Friday. As he left, in all his stock-standard goodbye glory, we momentarily locked eyes (some days, I live for those moments), I gave him a quiet smile, and then, he closed the door. He's going on an adventure, and I wished I was the one he wanted to take with him.

This is the kind of headache, of which no amount of paracetamol will take care of.

I hope that this month will rid me of him; I've been stuck in a half life for far too long. He is a cruel man, and when he plays with me, he knows not what he does... or perhaps he does?

All day, all I heard was bad news stories. I want to shake them like a wet dog shakes its coat. Bad news weighs me down.

Tomorrow is a new day, let it be a good news one.

SB xx

My Mark

Dear Mark Ronson,

I love you.

SB xx

Happiness Hurts

I just couldn't do it. I'm back at that familiar numb place; the place from which I want to be far away, but simultaneously, can't muster anything to pull myself from its shadows. My Mum, she thinks I am insane. She might be right. She's not even talking to me, and I'm too scared to leave the safe place that is this post, right here.

I had to have her help me disassemble my hair - it was pinned and hair sprayed beyond recognition. I hated the hair style, and that's where things fell apart. I know people aren't going to understand why I did what I did. I could've put makeup on, tried to feel like I'd patched the mess up - but I couldn't get beyond the mindset. I know I would've been unhappy. Wouldn't I?

I can't face the sunny lawn, and the crowds filled with people who look better than me, happier than me - they make sense. I don't.

God - the money I've wasted. The bullshit lies I'll have to spin, to tell myself I don't care, to tell others why I didn't go.

Buckle up kids, I think this beating is going to be long lived and messy.

SB xx

Knobs & Whiskers

My life has whiskers on it, or knobs, or both. I didn't know what this meant until recently, but I learnt for something to have whiskers on it, is to say that people want to avoid it. And that's me. I have metaphorical whiskers... look, at this point, possibly real ones too.

The 'major social event' I was talking about previously, is on tomorrow. I'm in two minds about whether to go. I have the outfit and everything it entails organised, I guess I'd just hoped for an invite that was a little more concrete than "we're meeting you there, right?" I don't know what I was expecting... I guess I just wanted to feel included... like people wanted me there, but at the moment I feel more like the bald spare tire in the boot that everyone forgot about fixing. Oh, I know, dramatic. Don't I get to be, just a little?

The major piss-off is that I brought a kick-ass hair accessory thing, which I was excited to unveil. But now, it's kind of like... eh? The whole day is... eh? And if I do manage to find the group (amongst a crowd of 1000's) how am I going to feel once I get there? And tag along like "thanks so much guys, for allowing me to tag along with you..."

(Insert hopeless crying here...)

I don't know what I'm going to do. Pretty up those whiskers and take the girls out for a peek, or hide in a cave - dignity intact, but ugly?

SB xx

That's How

In a little over a week, I managed to read one crazy book called "This is How" by M.J. Hyland. And in a word (an inarticulate word at that... whoa!)

I can't actually remember the last time I read a book that compelled me to read it, and one too, that hit many nerves along the way.

It's an unassuming book by first appearances, but when the story about Patrick, a man who seemingly teeters on the line separating sanity from madness, unfolds, it hits you were it hurts. Because he's just like anyone, he's just like any one of us that snaps and makes a bad decision. And in his case, a decision which has dire consequences.

This book scares the shit outta me, because I think I could so easily make a Patrick decision. On those days, where I don't feel completely right, where I just want to be able to control things, even the small things, I can almost see myself being irrational like he was. This book resonates with me, and that fact alone, scares me.

Today, I heard that SpottyApple is leaving my work area and moving into another at the same premises. Ordinarily, this would've been ok with me (because I do wish she'd just piss off out of my general planetary vicinity) - but she's leaving us when things are about to head into a complete state of madness. This does not sit well with me; in the StrangeBird 'rulebook' this action screams selfish bitch.... and that's fine - because we all have our own rulebooks, but the problem is, I didn't really keep that internal. I reacted 'badly' and even though I stand by the way I feel, I wish I hadn't said what I said. I wish I had kept the guarded wall up, and bitten my tongue - even though what I really wanted to do was smack her upside that smug stupid face of hers. So, you see, that's how crazy people, like me, like Patrick - can make bad choices in the heat of the moment.

And this is how.. my day started. Fucktastic!

I'm going to keep my mouth shut and my wits about me, because there is no sense getting riled up about shitty people and their shitty decisions.

Peace, out -

SB xx

Summarise

This video doesn't really do young Matt Corby much justice, but this song, this song = me. It was true this morning and even more so now.

If I walk into the darkness I'll be lost
If I try to stay the light will show my false

Back to work this morning, fuck what a shitting nightmare. Nothing I can say is going to make it better, so I'll just leave you to Matt today.

SB xx

One-Liner

life should be fragrant...roof top to the basement

(u2 - Kite)

Fake Tan & Bullshit

I am not my biggest fan tonight. Not even close. I look at my reflection and all I feel is disgust and the growing urge to puke.

I hate what I see, what I feel. I look up at the Audrey Hepburn poster on my wall and think why? What a fucking joke - as if owning this poster somehow makes me into a sophisticated, desirable, wanted woman. Back to the reflection - it's not changed. Still the same faults and blind spots where small redeeming features threaten to lie. Audrey, in your shiny tiara and perfect pose, what's it like to be you?

Do you suppose all women have moments like these? Insecure and itching for change, desperate for acceptance? Or is it just women like me - screwed up?

I pretend for a moment like I don't care, but that's the biggest lie of all - the one that defines me.

I have been a perfectionist all my life. I can make just about anything I do, perfect - except the one things that matters... me.

What is it that makes you tick, you strange little bird? Why can't you just get your shit together?

Is the answer in a song lyric or a books page?

Now is not the time to be having a crisis. It's the single largest social event of the year next week. I'm prepared to go, but I've lost the fight to care.

People talk about finding the fountain of youth - but I know something of far greater value, that if bottled, could change everything. Confidence; it's the key that unlocks it all. Now why can't they make a pill for that?

SB xx

The Shit

How could you not love a song with 'shit' in the title, and fuck in the lyrics? I LOVE this song by The Tenants. Perfectly suits my mood!

SB xx

Unhappy Hour

I'm not feeling particularly joyous tonight. I think it has something to do with my arrival back into reality. I'm back at work next week, and I kind of don't want to be. I know there will be chaos and disorder awaiting me, and I'm not the sort that likes those things. It will also be the last week with John around before he goes away for around a month. Life is easier when he's not around, but different. Aside from that, obviously one less worker, means more work for those of us left behind.

I've also got some residual annoyance at a 'friend'. We haven't spoken for months - we went away together at the start of the year and we had some tense moments and clashes. I tried to clear the air and sort it out afterwards (and by that I mean, call her on her shit) - she lied and said there was nothing wrong.... but here we are 7 something months later - and I get nothing; aside from seeing the usual dumb ass, vague facebook status updates she likes to inflict upon us. So I'm angry. I'm angry because I have always been her sounding board - always. So, I'm really fucking angry that she just chooses to brush me aside, without the balls to tell me why? I figure she'll coming running someday, when she's having a rough time, like she's done time and time again... and maybe, I won't be so quick to lend an ear.

I'm sorry - I don't like playing the bitter and scorned - I usually try to put those sorts of feelings out of my consciousness. But I'm just essentially shat off, and it's manifesting now.

So I just gotta say it, because it'll make me feel better....

Fuck you 'S'. Seriously - FUCK YOU!

Ahh.. better.

SB xx

Country Bumpkin

I was away from home for around 48 hours, I took a quick trip to the city. Nothing remarkable happened, but I did have a few discoveries and thoughts, which I thought I'd share.

I think I'd die without music...
Driving along with my ipod plugged in and 1665 songs at my disposal, I realise how much joy I get from music. It could be just another one of my compulsions, like eating food and spending money - but I think I just love discovering new music - listening to peoples voices, and the stories they tell. And it amazes me, that so many people the world over can express the same things in such different ways. Love, hate, regret, joy, pain, sex, attraction... and it makes me wonder, will people ever run out of things to sing about?

Numberplate Madness...
So, I've previously documented my severe dislike of private number plates, but I did see an amusing one while I was away. On a hot little sports car was the numberplate SnotRod. What can I say, it gave me a giggle (and at least it was spelt right)... but I could just be biased, seeing as it's got 'snot' in it.

A most awesome last name...
McCrackin! I friggen love that name. Just imagine!? Go on, say your name out loud right now, and sub in McCRACKin for your last name. You'll be uplifted. Just remember, emphasis on the CRACK!

McCRACKin - StrangeBird McCRACKin... oh the possibilities.

You've got to expect a certain level of standard at a hotel where the roof is decorated with a spit-ball texture...
I think that sentence says it all. No elaboration required.

The secret to weight loss...
All you have to do, is eat as if there is someone watching you, always. Suddenly you won't be scoffing your food down in a hurry, because you don't want to look like a 'pig' in public. Trust me, it works. You may come off as a paranoid schizophrenic, but hey... at least you'll be a thin one!

SB xx

Cheese Anyone?

Ok, so I was reminded of this songs existence, while watching something the other night. I know, it's cheesy and a bit soppy - but when you take away the voice, and listen to the words - it's beautiful... and sad.. to me. I find it sad, because it's the way I want to feel. I want to jump right in, and discover a 'home' I've never seen or known, but believe must exist.

It's called "Feels Like Home" and it's been done by a few artists, but the latest example I heard was by Edwina Hayes.

Something in your eyes makes me want to lose myself
Makes me want to lose myself in your arms
There's something in your voice
Makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts the rest of my life

If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I've been so alone
If you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done...

It feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong...

It's the sort of song that makes me want to simultaneously spew, and cry. Don't judge me, ok?

SB xx

I do

Today's song is from The Verses, called "Want Everything".

For the record, yes, I do want everything too.

SB xx

to accept, or not to accept

I'm somewhat undecided about Facebook. I like that it allows me to have some contact with people from the past and that it gives me a 'fly on the wall' look at people in my present. But I'm not the sort to whore myself out, in order to have 100's of friends, just for the sake of it. I rarely update my status and if anything I'm a quiet little Facebook ninja - sneaking around unnoticed, keeping an eye on things.

I received a friend request today, from a guy I went to school with, for around 10 years - we essentially grew up together. Normally I wouldn't really hesitate to accept, but this guy, he's a little different. In my first year at high school, there was a minor/major 'incident' (the categorisation of this event depends upon the StrangeBird you converse with - the teenage one, or the adult) involving me. On the day it happened, I received sympathy - for the following unnumbered amount of days, weeks, months - I was teased, and the bouts of teasing were usually initiated by Mr let's be friends. I think it's almost fair to say this guy single-handedly crushed my self confidence in high school, having a domino effect for years.

But, I have grown up enough I think, to say I have left my ill feelings behind. Still, it's interesting his friend request should make me pause. I'll probably accept, but maybe I'll wait a couple of days?! I find it's always risky, friend requesting someone; what if they don't like me? what if they don't respond? do they remember me? what if they think I'm lame? etc. etc.... so maybe it won't hurt him just to leave it a while. See, even now I'm playing those Facebook games! That's why I hate Facebook sometimes. It's opened up another cruelty avenue for the bullies and bitches of the world to explore and exploit.

I am enjoying the start to my week away from work. Even though, being under my Mothers feet is always a little 'dangerous'.

More good news is that I've finally finished the unit work for my part time course. In a 'counting my chickens before they hatch' move - this has lifted a weight from my shoulders, but it's also removed a diversion from my life. Now it forces me to spend time figuring out other things; like my job, my direction. Oh dear.

SB xx

Free Agent

I know where I get my crazy inclinations from now. My Mother. She's seriously nutty. Trying to understand that woman, and her motivations is impossible. I've decided she's either:
a) very simple, or

b) incredibly complex
Seeing her angry, anxious, frustrated, negative, mean and worried - it is absolutely no secret where I come from. Crystal. Clear.

It's been an interesting couple of days. At work, I've breached my bullshit threshold. There's no way to really explain all the forms of shit at that place and every which way direction that they flow. But trust me - it's frustrating seeing so much crap going on and not being in any kind of position to change it. I went out last night with some work people, and it was pleasant. Thankfully no appearances from SpottyApple or John. By nights end, my mouth was sore from smiling and laughing, so that's a pretty good indication it was a fun time. Seeing as we've followed the dramas all along on this sad little blog - I must report that they are seemingly a couple again. I know, I KNOW - I've been insane bouncing up and down with my John related feelings and woes - but I am done with it. I am a free agent. I am single. I am not in love/lust with anyone. And I am ok, just that way.

Just as the saying goes however, that change is always challenged - who would be parked next to my car today while I was in town for the briefest of brief shopping expeditions? None other than the aforementioned John and SpottyApple. You can imagine that I cursed The Lord when I saw his car parked where it was, and then even more so, when I glanced SpottyApple in all her spottiness sitting inside the parked car. Then, as I was trying to escape into the car, I heard a "Morning!" from behind me and it was him, it was John. Jesus, Mary and Joseph - of all the days, and all the times, and all the car spaces in this little town - they had to be there, they had to be sitting in the car, just when I was getting into mine. Fuck me. I'm sure it wasn't as pivotal a moment for them, as it clearly was for me - but I just didn't need it. I didn't need to see them together and be reminded. But, I'm ok, and I take solace in the knowledge that I won't see either of them for the next 8 days.

As some further insight into my personality, I declare that if I were an awesome tennis player, I would proudly be seen in this:

Although, it would obviously be, minus the crazy nanna pants seen here:

No apologies.

SB xx

Awake

I woke up with this song in my head. Do you think it's significant?

Perhaps it means I should stop waging war within myself.

Or perhaps I'm just a little too fond of Ray LaMontagne?

SB xx

A Season for Change

This rain is like static in my head. There's a part of me that wants to relinquish control - of my actions and thoughts; surrender. But my feelings - I can't seem to control those. They are like a loose feather - floating in the breeze; no real destination, avoiding being caught by the bearer of curious hands, sometimes snagged on rubbish and debris when the wind is low.

I can't name this emotion. It feels something like hopelessness, sadness and fatigue all rolled into one. The soundtrack in my head reverts to cold war kids screaming "something is not right with me" over and over.

It's like searching for a word in a dictionary. You sort of know how to spell it, and you think you know what it means.

There is a desire in me to be amazing (I know, I don't want much). I want to be seen as an honest, everyday hard worker; but I also want to shine a bit brighter than the rest - be adored, admired. I need to feel like there is an amazing ability inside me, just waiting to be awakened. But if there isn't, and I'm stuck in this half life - not content where I am, but unable to move forward. I don't want to think that way. I can't.

Love. There are two types I understand. The first type being the everyday love you get from your family; your Mum and Dad, because they 'have to' and also because you've 'grown' on them. They are obligated. The second type - the selfish, lonely love. The seeking love you have, that can't be returned. Or maybe this is fake love. Maybe I don't know love at all.

It's sad you know. When I have an opportunity to make a wish - what I used to say to myself was something like "I wish I had someone to love". Now, cynical of my love wishes, which seem to deliver only unrequited loves - I refuse to be fooled by those anonymous wish makers. So now I plainly say "I wish I was in love with someone who loved me". Do you suppose that's clear enough?

Everyday as my patience wears thin - I try to remind myself you can't hurry life. That things will happen in their own time, when the time is right. That there is a season and time for all things.

When is it going to be the season for StrangeBird?

SB xx