This rain is like static in my head. There's a part of me that wants to relinquish control - of my actions and thoughts; surrender. But my feelings - I can't seem to control those. They are like a loose feather - floating in the breeze; no real destination, avoiding being caught by the bearer of curious hands, sometimes snagged on rubbish and debris when the wind is low.
I can't name this emotion. It feels something like hopelessness, sadness and fatigue all rolled into one. The soundtrack in my head reverts to cold war kids screaming "something is not right with me" over and over.
It's like searching for a word in a dictionary. You sort of know how to spell it, and you think you know what it means.
There is a desire in me to be amazing (I know, I don't want much). I want to be seen as an honest, everyday hard worker; but I also want to shine a bit brighter than the rest - be adored, admired. I need to feel like there is an amazing ability inside me, just waiting to be awakened. But if there isn't, and I'm stuck in this half life - not content where I am, but unable to move forward. I don't want to think that way. I can't.
Love. There are two types I understand. The first type being the everyday love you get from your family; your Mum and Dad, because they 'have to' and also because you've 'grown' on them. They are obligated. The second type - the selfish, lonely love. The seeking love you have, that can't be returned. Or maybe this is fake love. Maybe I don't know love at all.
It's sad you know. When I have an opportunity to make a wish - what I used to say to myself was something like "I wish I had someone to love". Now, cynical of my love wishes, which seem to deliver only unrequited loves - I refuse to be fooled by those anonymous wish makers. So now I plainly say "I wish I was in love with someone who loved me". Do you suppose that's clear enough?
Everyday as my patience wears thin - I try to remind myself you can't hurry life. That things will happen in their own time, when the time is right. That there is a season and time for all things.
When is it going to be the season for StrangeBird?
SB xx
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