Friday, September 24, 2010

Prime Crimes

It's been a tumultuous week this week. I have bounced from crazy highs to deep lows with a vast array of anxiety ridden moments in between. I haven't written about it, because I haven't really known what to say; I still don't.

I found myself hating my job, and myself for being where I am. Don't get me wrong, I love what my job looks like on paper, and I love the ladies I work closely with - but the rest of the world doesn't seem to have the deep appreciation for my occupation, that I think it deserves. In my world, I am a non-university graduate, in a sea of university trained professionals. Most of them are ok, most of the time - but each and every one still thinks they are better than me at some point - and it sucks balls when they all do this at the same time!

I feel in my next life, like I want to come back to be someone super important and integral in peoples lives and well being. When I'm watching a medical show on the TV, I want to be the awesome surgeon saving lives. It's not an ego thing, I really just want to feel like I make a difference to people. I hope that someday soon, the realisation will come to me, that we don't have to have a special certificate and a whopping HECS bill to show we can be amazing.

I have been reading "The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie" and while I'm finding it hard to stay focused, it is proving interesting. I feel like this is the time in my life, when I should be at my 'prime'... but hell, at this point, I'm not even sure I'm in the same neighbourhood!

Everything I do, appears to be in the spirit of crimes against my 'prime'. I worry a lot, and I don't like unpredictability, I don't love or trust quickly, I don't open up easily... I don't really like people. Which has me wondering - when is it my prime-time? and will I know it when it arrives??

SB xx

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