Happiness Hurts

I just couldn't do it. I'm back at that familiar numb place; the place from which I want to be far away, but simultaneously, can't muster anything to pull myself from its shadows. My Mum, she thinks I am insane. She might be right. She's not even talking to me, and I'm too scared to leave the safe place that is this post, right here.

I had to have her help me disassemble my hair - it was pinned and hair sprayed beyond recognition. I hated the hair style, and that's where things fell apart. I know people aren't going to understand why I did what I did. I could've put makeup on, tried to feel like I'd patched the mess up - but I couldn't get beyond the mindset. I know I would've been unhappy. Wouldn't I?

I can't face the sunny lawn, and the crowds filled with people who look better than me, happier than me - they make sense. I don't.

God - the money I've wasted. The bullshit lies I'll have to spin, to tell myself I don't care, to tell others why I didn't go.

Buckle up kids, I think this beating is going to be long lived and messy.

SB xx