So, I've been quiet on the blogging front lately, mostly because I wanted to refrain from wallowing in my perceived sad existence. Tonight, I break out - if only to record this either a) momentous experiment or b) foretell of my doomed complexion.
I've had this crazy red, spotty sore 'under nose' for a couple of weeks now - at first this unusual invasion paraded as a threatening island of pimples - but nothing really happened. Was it a consequence of too much chocolate, excessive nose rubbing or perhaps a karmic bite in the arse for years of having a naturally occurring peaches and cream complexion? Who knew. But today, I threw my hand into the lucky dip that is the bathroom top drawer and found a cream that may hold the solution. I don't know how long it's been there, I don't know the reason it was initially purchased; all I know is that I now put my faith into that little tube.
I've been using the cream for a few hours, with some promising results. Just now I reapplied for the night shift - hoping it will work its top drawer magic while I dream the night away. When reapplying, I did happen to take a closer look at the fine print... do not use on acne (um... I hope this shit isn't acne after all) however, perfectly fine for applying to genital areas (really? Not safe for pimple territory, but it's all systems a-go on the privates?!) I'm not entirely sure whether I should be comforted or alarmed.
Just so we are clear, this cream is not for the obvious use on genital issues. I do not have genital cream on my face - however, as a side note, is it not a little comforting to know that it is gentle enough, if you wanted and needed to, to apply to your privates? Just saying...what's good enough for the, you know, should be good enough for my face.
Anyway - what makes this little experiment even more daring is that I have a job interview tomorrow... for the job I'm currently 'acting' in; with a panel of people I know and of which at least two thirds dislike me. Excellent.
So, I might wake tomorrow to find an unidentified organism growing on my face... but right now I have to study to ace an interview for a job I'm already doing! That's some kind of pathetic, huh?
SB xx
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Let it fall
I used to think Lykke Li was singing "so happy, so happy, so happy, so happy", but then I guess it'd be weird to talk about crying when you're happy. Maybe? Either way, it's a top song.
SB xx
SB xx
Thursday, March 24, 2011
High Five!
Ok, so picture this. A scrawny Asian guy is hooning around a car park, in his oh-so-cool Camry; finds a spot and reverses into it like a bad ass; and as I walk past the now stationery beast I hear nothing other than the following song, rattling the windows of the car...
Now, that shit was worth waking up for.
SB xx
Now, that shit was worth waking up for.
SB xx
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
hurts and hearts and moans
This old song called 'Heavy Heart' by a band called You-Am-I is a long time favourite, but in the shuffle lottery on my ipod today I had the surprise cover by TZU pop up. It's a great song, and worth a listen if you can find it.
Been watching so much TV
I'm thinner than I should be
I'm like a waterlogged ball
That no one wants to kick around anymore
An all day morning hairdo
That no comb can get through
It's all granola and beer
A calling card and a silk cut souvenir
I miss you like sleep
And there's nothing romantic about the hours I keep
The morning when it starts
I don't look so good
Now I got a heavy heart
I talk a lot about football
And girls I kissed in grade 4
I piss off my friends and digging a hole
Just staring at the floor
Now every t-shirt's got a wine stain
I'm loving cigarettes again
I know every tune about guys and girls
And hurts and hearts and moans
I miss you like sleep
And there's nothing romantic about the hours I keep
The morning when it starts
I don't look so sharp
Now I got a heavy heart...
SB xx
Been watching so much TV
I'm thinner than I should be
I'm like a waterlogged ball
That no one wants to kick around anymore
An all day morning hairdo
That no comb can get through
It's all granola and beer
A calling card and a silk cut souvenir
I miss you like sleep
And there's nothing romantic about the hours I keep
The morning when it starts
I don't look so good
Now I got a heavy heart
I talk a lot about football
And girls I kissed in grade 4
I piss off my friends and digging a hole
Just staring at the floor
Now every t-shirt's got a wine stain
I'm loving cigarettes again
I know every tune about guys and girls
And hurts and hearts and moans
I miss you like sleep
And there's nothing romantic about the hours I keep
The morning when it starts
I don't look so sharp
Now I got a heavy heart...
SB xx
Monday, March 21, 2011
Nothing's gonna change my world
I don't really have a lot of energy for words today. This song is as close as I can get to expressing the thoughts circling my mind.
SB xx
Sunday, March 20, 2011
perceptions
The mind is its own place, and in itself
Can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven
John Milton
John Milton
Thursday, March 17, 2011
He lingers
Today, I found out by pure chance, that John is actually still in town. I figured he couldn't wait to see this place in his rear-view mirror. There must be a reason he's stuck; he wouldn't be here by choice.
Which begs the question - why couldn't he come and say good bye to his workmates properly? Does he find the whole act of farewell so offensive that he can't bring himself to do it? Would he find it too painful? Does he just not give a crap?
Not that the answer really matters to me - it's just, funny. And disappointing. As adults, aren't we 'supposed' to start and end things in a certain way?
It's so pathetic to admit, but there's a part of me that imagines finding some secret correspondence from him that explains everything. Something that makes it all better. An email; a handwritten note left in an obscure place; a letter posted from afar. Every time I see a strange envelope, my heart skips a beat.
If I hold my breath, I think I'll die of oxygen deprivation. Or broken heart. Whatever.
SB xx
Which begs the question - why couldn't he come and say good bye to his workmates properly? Does he find the whole act of farewell so offensive that he can't bring himself to do it? Would he find it too painful? Does he just not give a crap?
Not that the answer really matters to me - it's just, funny. And disappointing. As adults, aren't we 'supposed' to start and end things in a certain way?
It's so pathetic to admit, but there's a part of me that imagines finding some secret correspondence from him that explains everything. Something that makes it all better. An email; a handwritten note left in an obscure place; a letter posted from afar. Every time I see a strange envelope, my heart skips a beat.
If I hold my breath, I think I'll die of oxygen deprivation. Or broken heart. Whatever.
SB xx
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Can we pretend that today is tomorrow?
Today is a good day for running away - even the weather agrees; the sky looms grey - forewarning of change. Get out while you can. The kind of day that begs, go your own way. As I drive to work, I am reminded of the people I fail to understand; the warped images of their personalities - pictures drawn partly from ideas created in my mind, merged with the actual. John should be leaving today. It's a good day to be leaving somewhere. It's not such a good day for being left behind.
I can't help but feel foolish, for investing so much into someone that thinks so little of me. When will I learn?
As I pull into the parking lot - I see an older man walking, his scruffy little dog runs playfully towards him, bouncing like only a puppy can - the man bends to greet his little friend, and it makes me smile.
See a puppy - melt a heart. Perhaps I should get a puppy, the adoration is obvious and almost always returned. At least you know where you stand with an animal. Funny how humans evolved in so many ways, but some remain stunted in the parts that really matter.
SB xx
I can't help but feel foolish, for investing so much into someone that thinks so little of me. When will I learn?
As I pull into the parking lot - I see an older man walking, his scruffy little dog runs playfully towards him, bouncing like only a puppy can - the man bends to greet his little friend, and it makes me smile.
See a puppy - melt a heart. Perhaps I should get a puppy, the adoration is obvious and almost always returned. At least you know where you stand with an animal. Funny how humans evolved in so many ways, but some remain stunted in the parts that really matter.
SB xx
Monday, March 14, 2011
Saturday, March 12, 2011
the answer is not for us
I love this Feist song, and while I couldn't find a good video of her playing it - these guys do a brilliant job.
SB xx
SB xx
Friday, March 11, 2011
DENIED
It's official - I know nothing about men... and seemingly, for once in my life - I should have kept my heart tucked safely away in a forgotten pocket - and not worn it on my sleeve. What a fool.
It's been a roller coaster week - most of which centres around John. With yesterday being his last day, I worked myself up into a bit of a state (not outwardly) when the time came - but, it was an anticlimax - because he didn't say goodbye - he said he'd come back today and finish up. He came back briefly - got tied up in something and phoned hours later: "oh, by the way - if I don't see you before I go... take care... we'll catch up in emails and what-not". AND WHAT NOT?! What. The. Fuck?
I don't know, it's my own stupid fault for expecting anything more. Why did I think, after our seemingly growing friendship in open email discussions; sharing interests - why did I think that would mean anything? I feel like such an idiot. The day of his farewell, he sent me a lovely email, picking me up out of my funk and telling me he had faith in me, telling me how vital my role is at work - pushing buttons. When I replied, I opened up about myself - like I haven't before and I told him I'd be sad seeing him go. Obviously I overstepped the mystical boundaries; revealed too much; scared him away?
I didn't really expect our final goodbye to be fireworks and secret declarations of love in the storeroom - I wished for it, but I didn't really expect it. I thought at least it'd be done in person, maybe a hug? I just feel like a massive idiot. I needed some kind of official closure... this... today, was unhelpful. I'm just speechless.
The more I think about the things that led to today - I just feel so silly. I feel sick with myself. Still, I know that his departure is a positive thing for me. He will no longer be a distraction.
SB xx
It's been a roller coaster week - most of which centres around John. With yesterday being his last day, I worked myself up into a bit of a state (not outwardly) when the time came - but, it was an anticlimax - because he didn't say goodbye - he said he'd come back today and finish up. He came back briefly - got tied up in something and phoned hours later: "oh, by the way - if I don't see you before I go... take care... we'll catch up in emails and what-not". AND WHAT NOT?! What. The. Fuck?
I don't know, it's my own stupid fault for expecting anything more. Why did I think, after our seemingly growing friendship in open email discussions; sharing interests - why did I think that would mean anything? I feel like such an idiot. The day of his farewell, he sent me a lovely email, picking me up out of my funk and telling me he had faith in me, telling me how vital my role is at work - pushing buttons. When I replied, I opened up about myself - like I haven't before and I told him I'd be sad seeing him go. Obviously I overstepped the mystical boundaries; revealed too much; scared him away?
I didn't really expect our final goodbye to be fireworks and secret declarations of love in the storeroom - I wished for it, but I didn't really expect it. I thought at least it'd be done in person, maybe a hug? I just feel like a massive idiot. I needed some kind of official closure... this... today, was unhelpful. I'm just speechless.
The more I think about the things that led to today - I just feel so silly. I feel sick with myself. Still, I know that his departure is a positive thing for me. He will no longer be a distraction.
SB xx
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
I am woman, hear me - just hear me
I feel like I should say something profound, given that today is International Women's Day!
I've never fully found a love for being a girl. I have always kind of seen it as a chore, a hassle. What's so great about big boobs that catch a falling spit of toothpaste? What's so great about menstruating on cue (well, almost) or pushing rather large babies out of teeny-tiny holes? But then, I realise, when I'm considering these things, that I'm not seeing 'woman' at all - I'm having a 'man look' when the subject is owed a good long 'woman-worthy hunt' in this, life's refrigerator.
When I think about the women who inspire me; it is the fighter, the protector, the mother, the calm - who send chills down my spine. There is nothing more inspiring than a woman who knows and accepts who she is and conveys it to the world. Women don't fall apart, not really. We fall down, we get up again and we rebuild. Some of us accept, some of us strive for change - but we always do whatever we do, despite that lingering thought that whispers, women just aren't as good as men.
But then, it is naive to bundle us all into the same mould. We are as diverse as the worlds cultures - and sometimes just as complex. But there is no denying the amazing sisterhood that splits this world into a giant family of girls - universal experiences bind us together, even when our lives are vastly different.
I hope I can become a great woman someday.
SB xx
I've never fully found a love for being a girl. I have always kind of seen it as a chore, a hassle. What's so great about big boobs that catch a falling spit of toothpaste? What's so great about menstruating on cue (well, almost) or pushing rather large babies out of teeny-tiny holes? But then, I realise, when I'm considering these things, that I'm not seeing 'woman' at all - I'm having a 'man look' when the subject is owed a good long 'woman-worthy hunt' in this, life's refrigerator.
When I think about the women who inspire me; it is the fighter, the protector, the mother, the calm - who send chills down my spine. There is nothing more inspiring than a woman who knows and accepts who she is and conveys it to the world. Women don't fall apart, not really. We fall down, we get up again and we rebuild. Some of us accept, some of us strive for change - but we always do whatever we do, despite that lingering thought that whispers, women just aren't as good as men.
But then, it is naive to bundle us all into the same mould. We are as diverse as the worlds cultures - and sometimes just as complex. But there is no denying the amazing sisterhood that splits this world into a giant family of girls - universal experiences bind us together, even when our lives are vastly different.
I hope I can become a great woman someday.
SB xx
Friday, March 4, 2011
the self helper
What truth is there to be found within the pages of a self-help book? God, I really hate that term 'self-help'...it's so bullshit. Help yourself; why, because no one else is going to? Why is there even a name for these kinds of books - why are there so many of people in need of so much help?
Well, today I declared that it was a very bad day. I ended up working myself into a right state; thinking about all the things wrong with my life. I decided that I needed some 'help'... I got home and I reached for the book that has been sitting on my shelf for years, called 'Happiness, Now'. I don't know what I expect to find - I hope there is something in there that will tell me how to make a real life out of the shell I presently reside in.
I don't know how to be a twenty-something; I don't have friends, I don't belong...and I suspect I only actually exist in the hours between 8am and 5pm weekdays, minus public holidays - I cease to be anything outside business hours. How sad.
Is loneliness a choice or a condition? Some kind of genetic affliction - predetermined and unavoidable? I want to be more than people think I am; I want to exceed my own imaginings. I don't know how to escape this identity I seem to have created for myself - sculpted with the lies of avoidance, a perfect projection of all my choices made in response to fear. A perfect example of what not to do.
Dear 16 year old self - do everything you don't want to; say yes to everything that scares you - and for Christ's sake, stop thinking so much. All I need now is a flux capacitor.
SB xx
Well, today I declared that it was a very bad day. I ended up working myself into a right state; thinking about all the things wrong with my life. I decided that I needed some 'help'... I got home and I reached for the book that has been sitting on my shelf for years, called 'Happiness, Now'. I don't know what I expect to find - I hope there is something in there that will tell me how to make a real life out of the shell I presently reside in.
I don't know how to be a twenty-something; I don't have friends, I don't belong...and I suspect I only actually exist in the hours between 8am and 5pm weekdays, minus public holidays - I cease to be anything outside business hours. How sad.
Is loneliness a choice or a condition? Some kind of genetic affliction - predetermined and unavoidable? I want to be more than people think I am; I want to exceed my own imaginings. I don't know how to escape this identity I seem to have created for myself - sculpted with the lies of avoidance, a perfect projection of all my choices made in response to fear. A perfect example of what not to do.
Dear 16 year old self - do everything you don't want to; say yes to everything that scares you - and for Christ's sake, stop thinking so much. All I need now is a flux capacitor.
SB xx
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Dog Days
Because I want happiness to hit me like a train, and I want it to sound just like this...
SB xx
SB xx
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
In the wee small hours
I know lately my entries have been lowly - which is a pretty good representation of my life at present. I feel as if I am stuck; eternally in a series of shitty moments that I can't get out of. And it's not even that I really have anything substantial to complain about; for someone who does so much thinking - I think I need to have a good think about me. I suppose that is the key - so much of my time is invested in thinking about others, how they affect me, that I don't really spend a lot on just the 'me' portion of that.
I have reason to believe that where work is concerned, things are going to start to pick up - which would be lovely, because lets face it - it's been all shades of shit for a long while. But, it still leaves 'me'...
I don't really know where to begin to deal with all this baggage. As tough as it will be, I know in my heart that John leaving will be a blessing - being able to release him will hopefully make room for some other things to occupy the vast space he currently resides in. It sounds crazy, but there is a part of me looking forward to when he is gone, because then maybe it won't hurt so much. Perhaps like removing a band aid, it's best done quick and without too much procrastination. I wish him well, and while the scenarios in my head always end in him coming back for me - I know it is time for him to go, and time for me to let go.
It's at night when things get quiet that all this stuff rears its ugly head. Perhaps it's time to face the beast, head on.
SB xx
I have reason to believe that where work is concerned, things are going to start to pick up - which would be lovely, because lets face it - it's been all shades of shit for a long while. But, it still leaves 'me'...
I don't really know where to begin to deal with all this baggage. As tough as it will be, I know in my heart that John leaving will be a blessing - being able to release him will hopefully make room for some other things to occupy the vast space he currently resides in. It sounds crazy, but there is a part of me looking forward to when he is gone, because then maybe it won't hurt so much. Perhaps like removing a band aid, it's best done quick and without too much procrastination. I wish him well, and while the scenarios in my head always end in him coming back for me - I know it is time for him to go, and time for me to let go.
It's at night when things get quiet that all this stuff rears its ugly head. Perhaps it's time to face the beast, head on.
SB xx
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