DENIED

It's official - I know nothing about men... and seemingly, for once in my life - I should have kept my heart tucked safely away in a forgotten pocket - and not worn it on my sleeve. What a fool.

It's been a roller coaster week - most of which centres around John.  With yesterday being his last day, I worked myself up into a bit of a state (not outwardly) when the time came - but, it was an anticlimax - because he didn't say goodbye - he said he'd come back today and finish up. He came back briefly - got tied up in something and phoned hours later: "oh, by the way - if I don't see you before I go... take care... we'll catch up in emails and what-not". AND WHAT NOT?! What. The. Fuck?

I don't know, it's my own stupid fault for expecting anything more.  Why did I think, after our seemingly growing friendship in open email discussions; sharing interests - why did I think that would mean anything? I feel like such an idiot. The day of his farewell, he sent me a lovely email, picking me up out of my funk and telling me he had faith in me, telling me how vital my role is at work - pushing buttons.  When I replied, I opened up about myself - like I haven't before and I told him I'd be sad seeing him go. Obviously I overstepped the mystical boundaries; revealed too much; scared him away?

I didn't really expect our final goodbye to be fireworks and secret declarations of love in the storeroom - I wished for it, but I didn't really expect it. I thought at least it'd be done in person, maybe a hug? I just feel like a massive idiot. I needed some kind of official closure... this... today, was unhelpful. I'm just speechless.

The more I think about the things that led to today - I just feel so silly. I feel sick with myself. Still, I know that his departure is a positive thing for me.  He will no longer be a distraction.

SB xx