It's not quite time to say goodbye to John, but while searching for pictures for blatant misuse (not for profit, honest) I came across this fitting image. I wish I could lay claim to the phrase - but it belongs to a clever designer, whose name I do not know. Ok, so if it were mine - the womanly legs might not be legs at all, and instead a pair of stunning eyes, or a perfectly hairy torso - but the sentiment is the same.
With a week and a bit left - I think I'm doing ok. I can't be responsible for the way I might react once that point arrives - but I only hope I have the sense and will-power to keep 'it' in, until I'm on my own at least.
Love to all who wish for it; that's a pretty perfect world to me.
I went for a bike ride early this morning, at some ungodly hour. The idea seemed attractive last night; the reality of the alarm violating my dream state this fine Sunday morning was not so pretty. But, I peeled my eyelids open and persisted - if only for the knowledge of that universal law that states "thou shall not return to slumber, once you have risen from thy bed". The ride gave me time to think; away from the walls that hold me in this world, where I am a miserable and lonely daughter.
The air was clean, filled with the scents and sounds of weekend chores and a sleeping town. I started to think about the realities of my 'ride' - my actual and my metaphorical. I rode to uncertain places, not knowing what might await me on the track; the incline tested the strength of my muscles and will; and then the realisation, that after pain comes pleasure. The glorious feeling as I descended the decline of my perseverance - never is a feeling quite so sweet as the one you get when coming down from the high you fought to reach. It was then that I realised, I don't have a hill in my sights. I feel like I'm always on this bumpy, forgotten road going nowhere. What's my summit and what would it look like if I ever got there? I don't want to be the passenger locked in some basket harness, being led by the power of someone elses drive. What do I want, and why don't I know it?
Today I realised that life is kind of like that push up a hill, uncertain and full of hardships that test the strength of your character and heart - making it to the top is the ultimate prize and getting to fly down that same hill at great speed is the icing on life's cake.
I'm sort of in love at the moment with Adele - I'm only just now discovering her music, and this is another recent beauty I have found; funnily enough called 'First Love'.
So little to say but so much time,
despite my empty mouth the words are in my mind. Please wear the face, the one where you smile, because you lighten up my heart when I start to cry.
Forgive me first love, but I'm tired. I need to get away to feel again. Try to understand why, don't get so close to change my mind. Please wipe that look out of your eyes, it's bribing me to doubt myself; simply, it's tiring.
This love has dried up and stayed behind, and if I stay I'll be alive, then choke on words I'd always hide. Excuse me first love, but we're through. I need to taste the kiss from someone knew.
Forgive me first love, but I'm too tired. I'm bored to say the least and I, I lack desire. Forgive me first love, forgive me first love, forgive me first love, forgive me first love, forgive me, forgive me first love, forgive me first love
I have to plan his farewell. It's quite the cruel twist - seeing as I'm probably going to be the only person sitting at that function, willing him to stay. Two weeks - 14 total days - 9 actual contact days until I see him for the last time. I tried very hard not to be like this, not to take on the 'woe is me' persona. Logically, I know the score. My head now just wants to protect my heart - I just need him gone, so that I don't have to hear him talk anymore about his next adventures. Part of me is happy that he is happy, but an overwhelming part of me just wants to crawl into a dark quiet corner to try and forget about the way my world used to be when he was in it. I wonder how long it will take, before I forget the way his clicking joints sound as he walks the halls, before I forget the sound of his voice, the colour of his eyes... those lovely eyes.
I know there are two options here. One, tell him - just spill it all - every detail, every awkwardness, out in the air, to be carried away by the birds. But I can't do that. Two, suck it up - deal with it for 9 more days and piece myself together afterwards.
I know, life could be so much worse, in so many numerous ways. I am grateful for the good I have - but I am also resentful of this beautiful green-eyed thing that is not mine.
Reality is, planning this function means thinking about him more than I should, and more than my mental health can take.
empathy: power of projecting one's personality into
(and so fully comprehending) the object of contemplation
Say what!? I thought I knew what it meant, and I guess when I break it down, I understand it. So, in this equation...
the one doing the projecting is... me
the one doing the comprehending is... me again
the personality in question would be... my bosses (eeek) I guess
and the object of contemplation would be... my bosses apparent breakdown, again
You see - I thought I had a kind of sympathy well; for instance I can't stand to watch nature shows because they bring me to tears when the (substitute inferior animal) antelope, gets attacked by the (substitute animal kingdom 'top dog') lion. When I hear about injustice, abuse, cruelty - I get upset, I get angry. When I think about my own mental health issues in the past, I get spooked and rattled. Even when people treat me like a doormat, break my heart or disappoint me - I keep giving them chances. Today's latest crisis however, has me searching for enlightenment.
My boss is having another mental breakdown of some sort - she hasn't been at work all week, and today we learnt she is not set to come back for the foreseeable future. This has happened countless times in the past couple of years - there is always sickies, always dark clouds without silver linings - and her inability to lead is, well, well documented. It's always the same unhealthy pattern; issue - don't deal, bury; personal issue - bring it to work, but don't really deal; work issue - hide, bury - BURNOUT. It's this ridiculous cycle that is unhelpful in all the phases that manifest. There are people relying on this woman - I'm not just talking about staff; I'm talking about patients - people with serious problems. When I try to look at things from different perspectives I'm still at a loss. From a staff point of view - I think fuck, not again! From a human being point of view - I think wow, that's terrible - but this person needs to get their shit together.
I just don't have any more words or thoughts of comfort or ease when it comes to her. I don't want to deal with the fallout of this shit again; no, scrap that - I don't want to have to deal with the fallout of this shit again! I don't get paid enough to lay awake at night pondering the plays of the next day - thinking about management issues on a shit kickers wage is not appropriate to say the least. I know from the outside it looks like selfish - it looks like bitch, but I am truly not. I am just so tired of picking up the pieces of bad management. Don't be spilling your life's crap into my lines - because I have got enough of my own to deal with - and the thing is, we all do!
And the thing is, the naive like to sit back and say, "well, no wonder she's hit a wall again - look at the state of everything". But, I firmly believe that it doesn't matter how sunny the picture is, there is always going to be a reason for this woman to crash - because she is not dealing with something so fundamentally wrong within herself. I find it difficult to have sympathy for someone who doesn't have the balls to bail out, for the sake of their team.
Rant end. Tomorrow I shall be biting my tongue as best I can.
I knew this day was coming, I just didn't expect the reaction.
John is officially leaving. He found a new job, and he is happy - really, sparkly eyes kind of happy. Which is nice to see - because it was gone for a long while.
When I arrived at work today, an email awaited me - from John. It was the belated response to my email from weeks ago - the one where I thought I had overstepped the strange boundaries of our 'friendship'. It was thoughtful, considered and honest; it was heartwarming and sad - and it also proved to be prophetic. In it he expressed doubt over sending it - I'm glad he did, because it made me understand. My work journey this week has not been easy - but it was the timely lesson I needed before receiving this special email. Tears welled in my eyes as I read over and over the length of the email - I finally 'got' it. I also knew that I had to respond - to release him from the strings of my expectations - from the web of assumptions I had created. I needed to not be selfish anymore - to let him go, and I did as best I could.
This afternoon at the news of his job offer - I congratulated him, but I think my eyes betrayed me a little. Luckily at the time, I was delicately balancing a number of tasks - so my mind was distracted from the gravity of the news. Before he left today - he thanked me for my email, and for the things it contained - my eyes watered; he said he would have to give it a considered retort. Get away from me I screamed in my head, you cannot see me like this. Oh, how I wished he would leave then - but he lingered to show me something. If he only knew the pain he was causing me. I flew out of work as fast as I could - fighting back sobbing, gut wrenching tears; I made it to my car - just. I sobbed all the way home - if I had somewhere else to be, I would've gone there and sobbed where no one could see or hear me. When I arrived home - I was inconsolable. My parents wondered what was wrong - but what could I say? The boy I love is leaving, my heart belongs to him and he'll never know.
I thought I could have it out in the shower - cry away the pain; my chest shook so much I thought my heart was rising out my mouth... maybe that would've been a good thing. I yelped with the pain that I couldn't really understand. How can anyone understand this reaction? In love, with a boy - who I've never kissed and never told and hugged just once. It's utterly outrageous and ludicrous - but it is what it is.
Perhaps no one can understand it - I don't think I really do. I know the universe works in mysterious ways, for reasons we can never understand. All I know, is the day he leaves, is the day he takes a bit of my heart with him - 965 kilometres away. I think that's going to hurt my heart immeasurably. Inconceivable.
One of my new favourite songs on rotation at the moment - from Adele, called 'set fire to the rain'.
I let it fall, my heart, And as it fell you rose to claim it. It was dark and I was over, Until you kissed my lips and you saved me. My hands they're strong, but my knees were far too weak, To stand in your arms without falling to your feet, But there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew. All the things you say they were never, never true, And the games you play, you would always win, always win.
But I set fire to the rain, Watched it pour as I touched your face, Let it burn while I cry, Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name!
When I lay with you I could stay there, Close my eyes, feel you're here forever, You and me together, nothing is better! Cause there's a side to you that I never, never knew, All the things you say they were never true, never true, And the games you play, you would always win, always win.
But I set fire to the rain, Watched it pour as I touched your face, Let it burn while I cry, Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name! I set fire to the rain And I feel lost into the flames When I felt something die, Cause I knew that that was the last time, the last time!
I wrote an email to my manager before I went away last week. I paid for it today.
In all my experiences, I don't know why I think a stirring email is going to change the shitness of the world. It's as if I think my humble string of words, so carefully put together, is going to move people to change - guess what, people don't change - they just get mad.
It wasn't a nice email, I admit. I knew I was pushing it with the contents - and yep, it was not my finest hour. I'm not proud of it, but I suppose I felt compelled to get something to change. You know, in all my history of letter writing, it's been in response to things that push me to the brink, or the edge - some place uncomfortable.
The pen is mightier than the sword - the keystroke, even more so.
I'm sorriest of all - that the only thing people take from this, is what an an unhinged person I am. All they do is feel sorry for the recipient of the email; they forget what pushed a rational person to write such a thing. The poor bastard who signs off at the end.
I learnt some valuable lessons (I mustn't lose the lesson) - namely, when you feel compelled to write an email - just DON'T.
My manager was obviously disappointed in me - but not as half as much as I am disappointed in her. I realised today, and I know now that it's completely true - that I actually don't matter in the realm of my workplace. I'm so utterly gutted - to hear the truth, and to damage my reputation in the process.
I bounced from mirror to mirror just now; hoping the next reflection would change - no, the earrings aren't right; the eye makeup is all wrong - perhaps it's just one of those 'ugly days'. I have them a lot. I tried to avoid writing this post - because I'm again hitting a low, a John low... a low StrangeBird low.
Did you know there are 58 posts tagged for John? I do now. I wanted to read through the misery, in the hope it would jolt me from this silly mood - in the hope I might wake up to the hopelessness of this ridiculous waste of feeling and emotion. I'd rather be in physical pain, in fevered delusions, than to face this hollowed pit of nothing, born of wishes.
He is the smell of home. He is not attainable.
I want nothing more than to be rid of whatever this is. I want the distraction - I don't want to be thinking about the pink elephant in the room that is John. In that age old theory that what you focus on expands - don't think about a pink elephant....what ends up in your minds eye? So, do I focus on other things - trick my mind to find new things to think about? I want to think about something else. I want to feel something else.
That's it. Now is the time for paying attention to that which is tangible. This keyboard is real; the sound of the rain; the smell of onion and garlic cooking - these are now. I want to be happy, I want to be in love with a real boy.
It doesn't usually bother me, I've gotten pretty used to being eternally single... but I really, really wish it wasn't Valentines Day tomorrow.
My absence from the land of blog was not self-imposed, but instead work related - which meant I was city bound and PC-less. It was difficult losing access to that portion of 'me' and not being able to read the blogs of those that I follow and have come to adore.
It was a big week; one of learning that required tolerance, and involved nasty cab drivers, bad showers, reduced personal space, irrational bed-bug fears, minimal sleep and some spew for good measure.
My week was spent in the big city; home of the ipod society. It never ceased to amaze me, just how many people would walk in the streets and in the shops with their ipods firmly implanted in their ears. It surprises me that people in the city are so desperate to tune out of the 'right now' that they would choose to be permanently plugged into a soundtrack that overrides the sounds of everyday life. I. Don't. Get. It.
I went along with two other ladies from my work, and it proved challenging at times to say the least. Both ladies, are fine company in small doses - but a five day stint was tough for me to bear. I think perhaps I'm just the kind of gal that needs a little space, and less talking... much less wordiness. The hotel we were staying in (and I use the term 'staying' very loosely) was a disaster.
It was the kind of place where one might expect to contract some form of hepatitis if you were to sit down... and we won't even mention the kitchen utensils. There were the three of us, sharing one room, three beds, a very small TV, no windows, no escape. My favourite design element was the 'false' deadlock on the front door, but the winning item would have to be the bathroom. Gross at day, but oh, at night when the light went on - a whole other dimension. One of those thoughtful switches that combines the light and fan into one user friendly switch. Said fan, had the auditory presence of a small aeroplane - an aeroplane, moments from crashing in flames that is. And the shower head was a beast of misery - its performance could be likened to the feeling of being spat on by The BFG - in a generally random and unpleasant manner. Can't believe I survived it. Can't believe my room mates survived me surviving it.
The actual purpose of the trip was for training. The training itself went well, although made my head hurt at times. The facilitator was charming, interesting and motivational. She was the kind of person, who just by the way she conducted herself, you knew her life was a series of fantastic moments and stories all stitched together into a fine thread of existence.
But, there could only be one truly golden moment, and that had to be on my flight to the city. Sadly, I suffered a bout of travel sickness, right at the very end of the flight. I was a good passenger and I used the paper bag provided for me by the airline. I was exiting the plane, spew bag in hand - strangely saw no bins in the aisle as I completed my walk of shame. I came to the door that led down the steps to my freedom, and Fernando the flight attendant stood there to say goodbye. He wore the stock-standard Qantas smile, until I asked him politely what I might do with the bag, as I shook the paper shame in his general direction - quick as a flash, the smile was gone, replaced with a scowl as he told me to leave the softening, warm bag of spew on the shelf next to him. Really, I thought you want to leave 'that' to the influence of gravity? But, I did what he told me - whatever you say Fernando. I'm not going to argue with a man named Fernando, especially when he's in perfect position to push me down a flight of stairs.
Honey you are a rock Upon which I stand And I come here to talk I hope you understand
The green eyes, yeah the spotlight, shines upon you And how could, anybody, deny you?
I came here with a load And it feels so much lighter now I met you And honey you should know That I could never go on without you
Green eyes
Honey you are the sea Upon which I float And I came here to talk I think you should know
The green eyes, you're the one that I wanted to find And anyone who tried to deny you, must be out of their mind
Because I came here with a load And it feels so much lighter since I met you Honey you should know That I could never go on without you...
This beautiful song from Coldplay has been stuck in my head for two days. It may not mean much, but it gives me hope, that the man who sings it so, did in fact go on without his 'Green Eyes'.
There wasn't anything good about today, except for the rumble of a summer thunderstorm and the rain pelting the tin roof. Leave it to nature to simplify things.
It's been a very bad day. I arrived at work and had a funny feeling - a feeling like John wasn't going to be there; a feeling like something was conspiring. I was right. I played the message from Master John "not coming in today" ... I immediately started to cry - my heart has been on a roller-coaster for a really long time, and even though deep down, part of me knows this is how it's always going to be - sometimes logic doesn't work. Fake smiles don't work, forced laughter doesn't work, being absent in moments is not working - and it sure as hell didn't work today, because I ran out of fake.
I didn't intend to fall into a crumbling mess - I thought about abandoning ship, running to the toilet to fix myself up. I thought about deep breaths, but I couldn't focus on anything but the vertigo from this shitty ride. I was on my own - no longer a best friend to confide in, no boss - just me and my thoughts, and my tears. This morning I think I waved goodbye to my last shred of hope as it staggered out the door. I think dignity walked with it too.
I was still a mess when someone else finally arrived at work, and a mess still when the next person arrived. I got a hug and a pat on the back - I had to recount the feelings I didn't understand, and the shuddering breaths, when they asked me if I was ok. I wasn't ok. I'm not ok. Nothing is ok.
Worst part is, some will just think I'm being emotional - that I'm having a bad day. Some might think the strain of the extra hours is taking it's toll. They'd be wrong.
Once I gained control, I wanted to confront those around me who created this toxic environment. My boss, John, their bosses and anyone else - I wanted to tell them that their lack of passion, their lack of pride, their self serving bastard way of conducting themselves is sucking me dry. Where have all the good people gone? Because I am around it full time now, I get no break - I see what they see, I see what they do... and what they don't do - I feel like I'm the only one really 'seeing' anything. I'm there before they arrive, and after they leave and it reminds me, I am on my own here.
I want to punish those that shrink me down - I want to shake the truth from them like dust released from a beaten rug.
I don't know what's happening. John has been talking to me about photography related stuff for like a week now. It started last week, when he showed me his camera. Then, Monday morning, he emailed me some pictures that he took over the previous weekend. Since then, we have emailed back and forth about various photography related stuff. Revealing stuff about ourselves, being honest, having fun, letting guards down.
I'm scared, but excited. Maybe we have finally found the common ground to launch this friend ship. It makes me wonder why; is he using me for my knowledge - well, I don't know that much? Am I just a distraction from shit at work - maybe?
I can't believe after all this time, we might have found something to talk about. But, the conversation is going to run out eventually. Or he's going to leave - or both. I'm sad I might just now have a friend in him, and all he wants to do is get a ticket out of here.
