I knew this day was coming, I just didn't expect the reaction.
John is officially leaving. He found a new job, and he is happy - really, sparkly eyes kind of happy. Which is nice to see - because it was gone for a long while.
When I arrived at work today, an email awaited me - from John. It was the belated response to my email from weeks ago - the one where I thought I had overstepped the strange boundaries of our 'friendship'. It was thoughtful, considered and honest; it was heartwarming and sad - and it also proved to be prophetic. In it he expressed doubt over sending it - I'm glad he did, because it made me understand. My work journey this week has not been easy - but it was the timely lesson I needed before receiving this special email. Tears welled in my eyes as I read over and over the length of the email - I finally 'got' it. I also knew that I had to respond - to release him from the strings of my expectations - from the web of assumptions I had created. I needed to not be selfish anymore - to let him go, and I did as best I could.
This afternoon at the news of his job offer - I congratulated him, but I think my eyes betrayed me a little. Luckily at the time, I was delicately balancing a number of tasks - so my mind was distracted from the gravity of the news. Before he left today - he thanked me for my email, and for the things it contained - my eyes watered; he said he would have to give it a considered retort. Get away from me I screamed in my head, you cannot see me like this. Oh, how I wished he would leave then - but he lingered to show me something. If he only knew the pain he was causing me. I flew out of work as fast as I could - fighting back sobbing, gut wrenching tears; I made it to my car - just. I sobbed all the way home - if I had somewhere else to be, I would've gone there and sobbed where no one could see or hear me. When I arrived home - I was inconsolable. My parents wondered what was wrong - but what could I say? The boy I love is leaving, my heart belongs to him and he'll never know.
I thought I could have it out in the shower - cry away the pain; my chest shook so much I thought my heart was rising out my mouth... maybe that would've been a good thing. I yelped with the pain that I couldn't really understand. How can anyone understand this reaction? In love, with a boy - who I've never kissed and never told and hugged just once. It's utterly outrageous and ludicrous - but it is what it is.
Perhaps no one can understand it - I don't think I really do. I know the universe works in mysterious ways, for reasons we can never understand. All I know, is the day he leaves, is the day he takes a bit of my heart with him - 965 kilometres away. I think that's going to hurt my heart immeasurably. Inconceivable.