I bounced from mirror to mirror just now; hoping the next reflection would change - no, the earrings aren't right; the eye makeup is all wrong - perhaps it's just one of those 'ugly days'. I have them a lot. I tried to avoid writing this post - because I'm again hitting a low, a John low... a low StrangeBird low.
Did you know there are 58 posts tagged for John? I do now. I wanted to read through the misery, in the hope it would jolt me from this silly mood - in the hope I might wake up to the hopelessness of this ridiculous waste of feeling and emotion. I'd rather be in physical pain, in fevered delusions, than to face this hollowed pit of nothing, born of wishes.
He is the smell of home. He is not attainable.
I want nothing more than to be rid of whatever this is. I want the distraction - I don't want to be thinking about the pink elephant in the room that is John. In that age old theory that what you focus on expands - don't think about a pink elephant....what ends up in your minds eye? So, do I focus on other things - trick my mind to find new things to think about? I want to think about something else. I want to feel something else.
That's it. Now is the time for paying attention to that which is tangible. This keyboard is real; the sound of the rain; the smell of onion and garlic cooking - these are now. I want to be happy, I want to be in love with a real boy.
It doesn't usually bother me, I've gotten pretty used to being eternally single... but I really, really wish it wasn't Valentines Day tomorrow.