It's been a very bad day. I arrived at work and had a funny feeling - a feeling like John wasn't going to be there; a feeling like something was conspiring. I was right. I played the message from Master John "not coming in today" ... I immediately started to cry - my heart has been on a roller-coaster for a really long time, and even though deep down, part of me knows this is how it's always going to be - sometimes logic doesn't work. Fake smiles don't work, forced laughter doesn't work, being absent in moments is not working - and it sure as hell didn't work today, because I ran out of fake.
I didn't intend to fall into a crumbling mess - I thought about abandoning ship, running to the toilet to fix myself up. I thought about deep breaths, but I couldn't focus on anything but the vertigo from this shitty ride. I was on my own - no longer a best friend to confide in, no boss - just me and my thoughts, and my tears. This morning I think I waved goodbye to my last shred of hope as it staggered out the door. I think dignity walked with it too.
I was still a mess when someone else finally arrived at work, and a mess still when the next person arrived. I got a hug and a pat on the back - I had to recount the feelings I didn't understand, and the shuddering breaths, when they asked me if I was ok. I wasn't ok. I'm not ok. Nothing is ok.
Worst part is, some will just think I'm being emotional - that I'm having a bad day. Some might think the strain of the extra hours is taking it's toll. They'd be wrong.
Once I gained control, I wanted to confront those around me who created this toxic environment. My boss, John, their bosses and anyone else - I wanted to tell them that their lack of passion, their lack of pride, their self serving bastard way of conducting themselves is sucking me dry. Where have all the good people gone? Because I am around it full time now, I get no break - I see what they see, I see what they do... and what they don't do - I feel like I'm the only one really 'seeing' anything. I'm there before they arrive, and after they leave and it reminds me, I am on my own here.
I want to punish those that shrink me down - I want to shake the truth from them like dust released from a beaten rug.