Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Trouble been doggin' my soul since the day I was born

I'm retiring to the comforts of my bed earlier than usual tonight. There is a chill in me that I cannot warm, and I just want to remove myself from waking existence right now.

Oh, it's not all that bad. Work is just kind of crappy at the moment, and I'm doing my best; I'm trying to be flexible and understanding and calm - but some days it takes all of my patience just to show up to work. There are just loads of really stupid people in the world, and selfish ones too. Perhaps someday I will get to the point of sympathising for the stupid... but right now, the overwhelming emotion I feel is frustration.  I think I will always expect more from humanity than I will ever get. Supply is not meeting demand. I know I demand too much. I demand too much of myself sometimes, and certainly I can expect too much from others.

I haven't heard from John in almost two months I think. I have made a conscious effort to leave it be. Even fighting my own fleeting impulses of loneliness to write just 'one more email'. As difficult as it is to admit, I accept that I'm just not a priority - I simply can't be. But, it's ok, because he has made that point pretty clear. I did send him a Christmas card of sorts yesterday though, with a small novelty gift. No, I'm not being pathetic... at least I don't mean to be. I found this gift months ago and had always intended it for him. I got to the point where I just wanted it gone from sight. So, I say now, with complete honesty, that I am not invested in any particular outcome from this card and gift - John will do what John does, and I will continue to move in some semblance of a forward direction. A male coworker joked today that denial is a man's go to strategy for everything that happens. It's an interesting insight. If I were a boy...

I think I dreamt last night that I was getting married. No clue as to the identity of the groom. I wonder if it was wishful thinking or perhaps a side effect of helping a co-worker design her 'save the date' card. The intoxicating feeling of being 'wanted' in my dream is the part that lingers with some intensity. Dare to dream, dare to wake.

SB xx

1 comment:

Rianna said...

'Intoxicating' indeed.
I commend your resolute attitude to not writing.
Thinking of you, love.