Wednesday, November 16, 2011

how my heart behaves

The cold heart will burst
If mistrusted first
And a calm heart will break
When given a shake
(Feist - how my heart behaves)

I had a rather strange and disturbing dream last night that I haven't really been able to shake all day.  It was completely of the imagined - none of the sequencing made sense, the environments, the motives - all born of strange and wanting... and it kind of felt like a warning, or a message - I don't know.

It starts in the middle of a scene where I am talking to my father - we are expecting the arrival of JohnJohn's maybe Grandfather has just passed away and John is coming perhaps from the funeral to see me? Why, I don't know. My father says to me (as if referencing an earlier conversation in the dream-reality) "now I know you said you aren't really looking for anybody at the moment - but you said you have a maybe someone in mind... I hope it's not him you have in mind" (speaking of John).  I start to question my father - "why, want do you mean" - he just smirks and shrugs his shoulders as if to say, you are heading for trouble and I cannot pull you away, so I must ride it out with you. We are interrupted by John's arrival - he is dressed in black pants and white shirt - he is cold and does not respond to me when I say hello.

We (my father, John and I) drive to some weird little country town - it's now pitch black as we drive.  The car is mostly silent - I feel John is seething with anger towards me, and while I am worried, my overwhelming emotion is the excitement that he is here. He speaks with my father - no one talks to me. I am preoccupied with making it to work on time.

We arrive and fashion some kind of bush breakfast - we eat together - day dawns and John and I are left alone.  I don't remember what we talk about - there isn't a lot of talking, he still seems angry at me.  Then, it's all a little hazy - but he warms to me and asks me to dance (like, slow dance) - in the middle of nowhere, to no music. I'm concerned about the no music thing, but he insists.  I think this is where the dream ends.

When I write it back like that, all fragmented, I realise how ridiculous it all sounds. It just comes at a really poor time.  I was starting to feel that maybe I'd come to terms with everything.  I haven't heard from him in a few weeks, I haven't made contact with him in a couple.  I resigned myself to the idea that I would not contact him anymore - unless it's in response to him contacting me. Then I have this dream, and it's all weird in my head and I don't know what to make of it.

Subconscious, what are you trying to say?

SB xx

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