Charm Lost

Amongst my confessions of last night I forgot to mention a pivotal moment that happened that day, at work.

I heard that John wasn't feeling well. In a completely friendly, concerned manner, when I had an opportunity, I said "are you not feeling well John?".... and as quick as the snap of a whip he fired back "I'm sure I'll be fine THANKS StrangeBird". In short, to say that I didn't appreciate the tone, would be putting it mildly. But, hey at least I know where I stand right? And only 12 months of feelings wasted on him. I don't know why he said what he said, and in the manner he said it - but I didn't really appreciate it. So, delusions aside - in the reality where I revolt him, I still don't think I deserved that sort of response.

Whatever, right?

Perhaps the golden boy has finally lost his shine. Probably not a bad thing - I needed someone to come along and snatch those rose coloured glasses from me, and smash them to the floor. Reality is what I need. Real. True. Honest - I need them all.

Stay true.

SB xx

Hide & Seek

I have to admit to some things tonight. While I have revealed a lot about what makes me me, and what makes me 'tick'... and 'clatter' badly at times - I also have held bits of me back - in shame I suppose. Shame for being silly, for being wasteful and ungrateful and greedy. I disgust myself. There is no humour for the things I write about tonight, because I feel like they are so out of my control. I am a classic addict - I think I can control myself, believe that when I make bad decisions, that I am at least making informed decisions, convincing myself I don't care, when really I do and I must. Here goes.

I'm badly overweight. I need to drop weight - for the sake of all the predisposed chronic conditions I'm up against in my gene pool, and also just for some of the things I am experiencing now. I've done the hard yards before. I have done the major weight loss things about 3 times in my short life, and every time the weight slowly creeps back, and brings some extra friends along with it. I eat my emotions - I know it's wrong, I just don't seem to care enough to not do it? I don't know why I do this to myself. I think a lot of it is that I want to feel like everyone else. In my mind, the people around me, they get to eat what they want, without consequences, and I don't want to miss out - "why should I?" I say to myself... "I have a shitty life, why can't I at least eat the food I want to eat?" It's a shame the world doesn't actually work out that way. I feel so abnormal in so many ways, that I just want to eat what 'normal' people eat. I think there's also a self-destructive switch in my head that thinks weight loss = attractiveness, which = awkward feelings that I don't know how to deal with. So, essentially, to me, life is easier and simpler if I live it out in a fat suit - it's my armour.

What else... oh yeah, the other excess in my life - money.

I think like food, I find comfort in shopping. In buying pretty things and pretty clothes, because I CAN, because I want to. It's not sensible AT ALL. Online shopping is the worst - because it's like sneaking to the cupboard and opening a packet of chips as loudly as you want, because you know that everyone in the house is asleep with earplugs in - they can't hear you - you are free to do what you want. I'm not in serious debt, but I'm also just getting by, and not really saving anything. At the end of the financial year - that is terrible. I have an online clothes shop that I use all the time - they sell beautiful fashionable clothes specially for larger sizes, and I buy and buy and buy. I am so ashamed - I don't actually want to think about the amount of money that I have spent on clothes this past year, and again $144 tonight. What the fuck am I doing?

I'm a little scared at how out of hand I have let things get. I'm scared that I can't control myself. I'm scared of admitting this to the people around me, because I know how disappointed they would be in me; but they aren't stupid and they see things that I simply can't hide.

Essentially I know what needs to be done - I just don't seem to be able to take the first steps and keep going. I take a step one day and pivot right back around in the other direction again, because it's safe and easy.

I hoped that talking about things, writing them 'out loud' might make them real, and easier to tackle.

I'll force myself to address these things regularly, so that I am accountable to this blog at least. It's got to work - I have to make it happen.

SB xx

How do you solve a problem like Maria?

God help me, but I sat through a three hour, live stage show of "The Sound of Music" last night. What. was. I. thinking. when. I. said. yes?

As usual it got me thinking.

Thinking about the company I was keeping - more than half the girls I came with don't give me the time of day at work... so why am I sitting here... voluntarily?!

Thinking about how often I see 'trendy' girls, and SpottyApple wearing tights, with boots, with a dress, with a teeny-tiny cardigan, in winter. Seriously, buy some friggen pants!

Thinking about John and wondering if like Captain Von-Trapp, someday before it's too late, he'll come to his senses - ask me to dance, realise he's in love with me and marry me instead of the bitch (this reality minus the seven children, preferably).

Thinking about possible mind-blowing outfits that I can wear to shake things up some with these stupid girls, next time we head out together... I mean, I'm way fatter, and less confident than the lot of them, but if they are going to hate me anyway - I may as well enjoy myself, and try to look good in the process.

Do you see the kind of disturbing thoughts that are induced by 'The Sound of Music'? Don't worry about Maria, worry about me!

In complete seriousness though, it's glaringly obvious that this work situation is not working (pardon the pun). I am not trying to be insane.. but this John stuff - it makes it really hard to have a normal working life... aside from being generally awkward - I just don't think I'm being an effective human being - I'm always so distracted. I'm not occupying life's moments, because my head is always elsewhere.

Aside from the political aspects of my current work environment, I actually love my job, and the variety I get exposed to. This is why it kills me to say, that I think the only real solution to all of this, is to leave. I can't imagine not being there anymore, not being involved in helping people - I just don't see another way out of this. I'm not going to make any rash decisions - but I am going to be keeping my eyes open and an ear to the ground.

Reality bites.

SB xx

Tomfoolery

Why is the post called 'Tomfoolery'? Because it is the most interesting and unexpected word I encountered in my unit book on OH&S (for those of you not familiar with hellish things, this means Occupational *yawn* Health and Safety). It nearly killed me, but by-GOD I finished that damn unit book - now just have to conquer the assessments!

Anyway... it's been a few days since I checked in.

Todays song is from Robyn, called "Hang With Me"

Will you tell me once again
How we're gonna be just friends
If you're for real and not pretend
Then I guess you can hang with me

When my patience's wearing thin
When I'm ready to give in
Will you pick me up again?
Then I guess you can hang with me

...

Just don't fall
Recklessly, headlessly in love with me
Cause it's gonna be
All heartbreak
Blissfully painful and insanity
If we agree

Oh, you can hang with me

So, the go is that I'm kind of cracking up again. I've been bouncing from preoccupied momentary joy to lonely low, and now sit somewhere in-between. There is so much going on at work that isn't fun; there is all this anger and fury and misguided feelings in the air, and I get smacked in the head with them the moment I walk through the door. On top of this I hate myself - I hate what I look like, I hate the way my voice sounds, I hate the way I keep fighting - like it's going to change anything. I have been shrinking into dark corners, wishing my moments away - pushing this minute into the past, in the hope the next is going to be better. Every moment I am aware, that all I want is tomorrow, next week, next month - "MOVE IT fucker" says the voice in my head - I don't want to be here, I don't want to be me, I don't think I even want to be conscious. I crave change... I'm craving something I can't name, because I don't know what it is.

Believe it or not, I typed 'inspirational jobs' into google the other night - it's just like a naive 20-something to think she can call up life purpose on the Internet. Hey, I figured everything else is on there - why not? Come to think of it, I bet I could find something on YouTube too. Part of me thinks that if I can find a reason to be gone for awhile, to do something that is not completely self-indulgent and internal, that it might give me the jolt I need. I thought I'd look up volunteering, you know, like in a disadvantaged country, in an orphanage or something... the usual rite of passage for your average soul food-seeker, but wouldn't you know it - it's not so easy after all.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I really, really don't. There is something fundamentally wrong with me, with my life and I don't know where to start or how to fix it. The search continues.

SB xx

Crush Clone

Last night I decided I should be patriotic and watch the game between Australia and Ghana. I'm glad I made that decision, because, while watching, I found that the lovely Australian team member, Mark Bresciano has a striking resemblance to my very own Benchpress me NOW Boy.

Seriously - the likeness is freaky.

SB xx

(Oh yeah, in case it wasn't obvious, the above picture is not one of my own, rather a snap borrowed from a sporting website, who I would credit, if I could remember which it was!)

A Rolling Stone

you can't always get what you want
you can't always get what you want
you can't always get what you want
but if you try sometime,
you might find you get what you need

True 'dat

SB xx

Revelations

Ok - so, I know I have pretty regular epiphanies about John and the like, which aren't exactly long-lived, but I think perhaps my latest are going to stand the test of time.

Yesterday I had a chat with the staff member that is leaving, and we talked a bit about why she's been so unhappy. I know I've touched on some of the management stuff which is challenging to even the strongest of wills, but John and SpottedApple together on our crew has kind of changed the dynamics of the whole place, and upset a lot of apple-carts along the way. Truth is, John has changed - he's changed in the eyes of the people who have watched him grow from the green newbie, to the selfish git who has reverted to caveman habits. Look, I'm the first to admit, he's nice to look at, and the most endearing quality about him was that he was so down to earth. Back in the day, he used to behave like he didn't know his effect on women, but now, it's like someone let him in on the secret. Before, he was a good ol' country boy with a sweet smile and endearing charm; now, he's acting like a preppy pretty boy. Something wrecked him, and what a shame.

ANYWAY, this is what I figure. I figure that anyone who makes me feel less than proud of my 'wog' heritage, attitudes and beliefs - probably isn't the best influence for me. Truth is, that he seemingly makes all of these judgements about me - like I'm 'negative' and 'perpetually unimpressed' but he really doesn't know me at all, because if he did, he'd know that's not me. Actually I think he'd find, if he took his head out of his ass - that his girlfriend is the whinging, manipulative, judgemental one. But hey, that's just the way things look from where I'm standing.

Yes, his alluring eyes will no doubt test me, but can I really trust a man with curly hair??

I hate myself for being so sucked in, so weak. No more. I'm a female, I should be smarter than that!

SB xx

Puzzle Pieces

By my own admission, I am a puzzle of a person. Truthfully, I live with the hope and expectation that someday, someone, will find me, figure I'm worth the challenge and try to piece me together - even though, most of the time - I'm not even sure what I look like when I am in one piece.

Everyone has their own rulebook in their head - life according to human 'X'... problem is, my rules don't seem to match anyone elses, and I try to move the goal posts all the time, just so things will make sense - but nothing ever does.

Depending on my mood, I question myself, my family, God, The Universe, The Angels and any other entities I can name - I want to know why I'm here, what's my purpose, why everything seems to hurt some days and why can't I seem to catch a break that I can see.

I am 27 years old. I am not happy, more importantly, I am not content. I don't much like looking back at the road I travelled to get to this mediocre spot. I know I've got a good heart, and that I'm a hard worker, and I know for certain, that I hate and love fiercely and to a fault. I'm scared to make decisions and plans, because I'm scared I won't have the courage to see them through. I want, want, want so much - but I'm too scared to go for it. I think I am in love with someone who will never know it - and he will likely never know the tears, time and hope I spent aimlessly on him.

So, tonight's million dollar question - how do you move beyond this point? How do you give yourself the jolt you need to get going, on this see-saw that is life? How do you stop being consumed by everything internal, so you might be free to feel what's just within your grasp?

How indeed...

SB xx

Damn the oppresive (wo)man

Boss lady bitch still giving me grief - the grief which started weeks ago. However, I am not going to let myself get all twisted up about it, again.

Feeling very discouraged this month. According to my astrology book - June was supposed to be a pretty rockin' month for me. No such luck.

Work has got me down. I feel a crisis coming on. In fact, had I not been distracted this past year by John and his antics, I may well have come to this point a little earlier. Not much makes sense right now... but I'm sure I'll touch the subject again soon in much more detail.

Staying strange,

SB xx

Heavy on my Heart

Some crap news at work today - one of my work mates is leaving my department. I've known for some time they have been unhappy, and truthfully, it was easy to see why. Not only am I worried about where this will leave our department, but I'm also overwhelmingly sad for her. And for some reason I feel partly responsible for it.

I feel like if I'd just said something to the boss, or if I'd acted more openly in her favour, if I'd tried to get to know her earlier? I'm just, really sad. I hate seeing injustice (according to me). But, I know that a job that you hate is bad for the soul.

Arghhhh...

Sad SB xx

the circus is in town

Today was Megan Washington's "Fred Astaire".

I am in this way too deep
Steady with your hands, steady on your feet
All the cracks, in me and you
They make us weak, they let the light through

Everything you say is real
Everything you want I feel
Darling, can't you put me back - the way you found me

....

You know, you know, you know what hell is?
My love for you does not like itself
Darling, can't you put me back, the way you found me

I wish I could be put back together.

SB xx

That's just not cricket!

So I went to my workmates place last night, hung out with some of the cool kids - had a few laughs... I even initiated a couple of those laughs myself (... YAY me!).

The real purpose of the night was to watch the first game of the World Cup. My first ever attempt at watching a game of soccer. It wasn't as painful as I thought it might be, although I did find myself thinking, a lot, "someone please just get a friggen goal!". I did well I think.

It was difficult having to be in the same small room as SpottedApple and John. But what can I do? It's either have my heart slowly torn, or spend my nights completely alone, while tearing my own heart out. The lesser of two evils I suppose.

SB xx

Post # 73

Today was relatively uneventful, a few encounters of the John variety. It seems I spent all night last night dreaming about ways to remove myself from the invited work get-together that's being held tonight. But when it came to the crunch, I couldn't do it, I wasn't quick enough. So, I'm going out in a little while. Let me get this in, 'cause I know it's coming... ouch. It's going to hurt.

Something from The Jezabels, called 'Easy to Love', it sort of matches my mood:

Well I was the one who showed you the sky
But you brought it down, down to my thighs
Sadly believed every word I didn't mean
About loving darkness

And there it is now, he enters the room
It guts like a fish to see how he's grown
Saw me go out onto the town to mess around
Ooh get my groove on, mess around...

So, let me go out into the evil world that you know
Where my baby cries, but I cut the ties
Oh, let me go, let me go out into the sinful world that you know
That you really love
Just let me be easy to love

SB xx

Flying the Coop

Ok - so I've abandoned the nest that was my 'feelings for John' but I haven't flown far. Instead I'm sitting on the high branch of a neighbouring tree, looking over at the place where I once lived. I didn't expect it to be easy. As someone wise, once said, "change is always challenged".

It's easy to feel removed from the feelings, when I'm not at work - but when I'm there, it's a whole lot harder. I wouldn't wish an unrequited work crush on my worst enemy - I really wouldn't. I know I go on and on about this, but sadly, it consumes me most of the time. I must shake him off. It doesn't matter how many times I declare to myself that I don't care for him or his business, I can't swallow it completely. Lately I've taken to telling myself he's just an evil-witchy man and should be avoided.

I didn't expect to feel so awkward around him still. Still, when I'm talking, when he's around, my words get all jumbled up. I'm not sure if it's his influence, or a sign that my brain is not functioning!

My subconscious was particularly cruel to me last night. When I went to bed, I was resolved to release whatever 'this' was. During the night I dreamt about him; part of which was a sequence where he was going away for a while and came and gave me a hug - not the 'lets not make chest contact' kind of hug; but the full on comforting, 'mammary gland to mammary gland' action, complete with lingering back rubbing. Shit.me. And, as if that wasn't bad enough - some up close and personal eye contact, with me looking up at him, asking the details of his departure, while continuing the embrace. It was the best hug I've ever received - real or no. When I woke, startled from the dream, I could hear a song in my head; none other than "Last Goodbye" by Jeff Buckley. If that's not prophetic, I don't know what is.

I fear this bird is going to be blue for a while longer.

SB xx

STOCKTAKE

As seems to be the norm, last night was a time of reflection for me. Mostly, about all the John feelings and what a grand waste of time it all has been. I found myself realising that I probably, no, I DO deserve more than that. I deserve more than being someones 'in case'.... I'm not going to be antibody's 'backup girl'. I just feel so foolish, for letting myself be dragged into this emotional black hole. I know how utterly ridiculous it all seems, that this one-sided relationship could've developed into something so ugly. All I can say in my defense, is that I'm not crazy... I truly thought there was something 'there'. It's what my internal compass was telling me from the beginning, but it's obviously defective. I want a refund.

I deserve to be the leading lady in my own fucking life!

That is all.

SB xx

Alternatives

It's a real shame that things don't turn out the way you wish they would. I suppose though, that the world would be in a bit of a mess if everyone got what they wanted all of the time.

My head is literally spinning with all the things going on in my mind - work, personal and all the stuff in between. I don't want it to, but sometimes the voice in my head repeats a resounding "I hate my life". It's funny that I feel that way now, because today, I actually found it quite natural to be a little on the perky, positive side. Now, if you know me, then you know that there is nothing natural about that for me!

I have decided to release John as much as I possibly can. Unfortunately, this doesn't mean that I am completely immune to his eyes... but for me, he has changed. I know he's a good man deep down, but the stuff on the surface right now is really unattractive. I wish this meant I didn't feel so damn uncomfortable around him, but in fact, I think it makes it worse. I wish he'd return. I wish my John would come to his senses. You don't know how much this place, these people have changed him - he used to be 'light' and free and positive - he used to tell me off for being negative. Instead now, he excretes all the bad things that he was supposed to drive away when he arrived. What happened, I ask myself often? Is it SpottyApple, is it his dicky friends that he hangs with too much. It doesn't really matter. I wish he'd get the shake up he needs, to wake up from the stupor. He used to inspire me, now he just makes me sad. Worse of all, he barely talks to me anymore. Someday I might call him on that. If his fucking girlfriend would just piss off. Can he be saved, or is it too late? Sadly, this is not for me to find out. I used to think he was going to change my whole life... I suppose he did change it somewhat - but not in the good ways I imagined.

The book I'm reading now, says that to have a chance to get the things you want, you need to be adaptable, you need to change and evolve, just as life changes. I'm going to try that - because, even though I haven't communicated that very well above, the theory makes a lot of sense.

SB xx

The Strangest Time

I don't know what to do with myself at this time of the day. The time between day and night - a time when things should be ending and not starting. These weekends drive me a little mad. There are times when I crave company, but when I have it, I just wish it away. When the people around me are talking about little, daily things, that mean nothing to me - my mind couldn't be further away from their little things. I get restless.

I payed a visit to the bookstore yesterday, and brought a book called "you need to have this book - to get what you want". So, I started reading a couple of pages last night. Nothing major yet - but something did strike me. It said that we each have our own different ideals and values and the conflict in life comes when we expect other people to have the same values as us. This is absolutely me, and I have no doubt that this is why I feel so tormented all the time. I guess I just have to remind myself that other people don't see the world the way I do. Yikes.

I think I've fucked up the work situation too. I've tried to hold as much ground as I can, as well as push a point. I wrote an email to my supervisors on Friday, basically asking them to make a decision and well, do their job. I might receive an icy reception when I get in next week. Should I not fight? Why is it, that when I'm half way through a fight that I think to myself, perhaps it was a bad idea? These late epiphanies are unhelpful. And letters, letters always get me into trouble... why, why do I always do the letter thing? I know why. Because the written word is powerful to me, because I think a lot about the words I use, and when I resort to a message, I want it to be powerful. Damn it. I am also known for cutting off my nose to spite my face. Double damn.

My Mum said today that she is losing her hair. She's had fine hair for a long time, but lately, I have noticed sort of a bald spot. I feel really sad for her. She seems so defeated. And I feel like such a bitch, for taking her for granted; for putting pressure on her, when she's got her own shit going on. Why do we think that our mothers are invincible? I think most women do too good a job at convincing the world they can handle anything, and it always shocks us greatly, when they stumble, and we realise they are just human.

Long weekend this weekend. I want to go to work with a new attitude next week. I don't want to care so much about the things that are wrong. I want to forget all that has gone before. Is this possible?

Long weekend, means an extra shot as seeing Benchpress me NOW Boy at the gym. The smallest things to me...

Why Don't You Love Me?

Ass shaking wisdom from Beyonce "Why don't you love me"

...Why don't you love me?
Tell me baby why don't you love me?
When I make it so damn easy to love
And why don't you need me
Tell me baby why don't you need me?
When I make me so damn easy to need

There's nothing not to love about me
No no there's nothing not to love about me
No nothing not to love about me

I'm lovely

There's nothing not to need about me
No no there's nothing not to need about me

Maybe you're just not the one
Or maybe you're just plain...

Dumb!

Hold onto your hats, cowboys!

Day off today - thank fuck!

I didn't have my showdown with boss bitch yesterday, so be sure it's coming tomorrow or Friday. The last few days I have wasted far too much time and lost too much sleep, thinking things over in my head - imagining what I am going to say, how to play things out. I've had enough! I also spent a lot of time today, getting my information together so that I am armed if I get ambushed again. I do not admire people who think they are always right, especially when they ram it down your throat. I'm the first to admit I can be hard headed at times, and no one likes to admit they are wrong, but JESUS, this woman!

I'm on my own (in management terms) too, which is interesting. It's not that my line manager doesn't see a problem, she just doesn't want to have to deal with it. Not really surprising, but still, disappointing. I think I'm ready. I know I don't want to fall apart again, no tears, no matter what, no tears. I feel doubt creeping in, and that's the only way she can get to me - ARRGGH - piss off doubt.

I have decided SpottyApple girl is a bit shit, and has been a bad influence on dear John. There's a sick part of me that still longs for him. I blame his eyes. However, he's changed from when he first arrived, and I don't really like that new person - he is bitter and cold. He's like the new kid at school who is really nice when he first arrives, but when he makes some friends and hangs out with the cool kids, he switches into an asshole. I know part of my John still lingers, but if he won't show it, what's the point? It'd be so much easier if he wore sunglasses! I wouldn't get mesmerised by his eyes. My list grows:
- be careful of people with red hair/gingers
- you can't trust a boy with cold blue eyes

Bye for now. Beware the gingers!

SB xx