Friday on my mind

It's cold outside, but I sit here snuggled and warm in my pastel pajamas. I lack the energy to think of anything remotely interesting to do on the weekend that lies before me - but the possibility alone keeps me high. I realise I give my heart secretly, but far too easily. I'll speak my truth if you dare to ask.  I am alone, but tonight that is ok.

I found this brilliance while educating myself on all things Chet Faker. I promise I'll move on from him eventually.

A beggar and a sinner

I just arrived home, after going out to dinner with a bunch of work people. I know that most of what I say would indicate that I don't really like the people I work with, and on most days this is at least half true - but beggars can't be choosers; and for social interaction, I am well and truly a beggar. I do not know how to make friends anymore. Somewhere during high school, I think I left my friend making ability behind in an old locker. It was easy when I was 7, not so much now I'm 27. It used to be as simple as "hey, I like you, would you like to sit together at lunchtime?"... sadly, this kind of behaviour doesn't really fly in the adult world, and usually gets you shunned, committed, or both.

Over the weekend, I decided I would have a bit of a clean out - I started with my 'jewellery drawer'. The aim was really just to compile and condense the growing number of boxes I had lying around, and also to remind myself of the items I actually possess. It took me a good 90 minutes to sort it all out, and it made me realise just how much shit I have. It also made me feel incredibly ashamed, because I thought that surely, anyone who has this much jewellery must be selfish and greedy. There is truth to that. I think like with the crazy amount of clothes I have been buying in the last 12 months, and the food I consume, jewellery is yet another excess in my life that I want, want, want. Like food, I get a sense of control from buying the things I want, and like the clothes I buy, having 'just' that particular piece of jewellery will make me complete, it will make me fit. That night, I prayed to whoever wanted to listen, and asked for forgiveness for being this way. I think tonight I might be doing the same thing.

SB xx

Hide & Seek

I have to admit to some things tonight. While I have revealed a lot about what makes me me, and what makes me 'tick'... and 'clatter' badly at times - I also have held bits of me back - in shame I suppose. Shame for being silly, for being wasteful and ungrateful and greedy. I disgust myself. There is no humour for the things I write about tonight, because I feel like they are so out of my control. I am a classic addict - I think I can control myself, believe that when I make bad decisions, that I am at least making informed decisions, convincing myself I don't care, when really I do and I must. Here goes.

I'm badly overweight. I need to drop weight - for the sake of all the predisposed chronic conditions I'm up against in my gene pool, and also just for some of the things I am experiencing now. I've done the hard yards before. I have done the major weight loss things about 3 times in my short life, and every time the weight slowly creeps back, and brings some extra friends along with it. I eat my emotions - I know it's wrong, I just don't seem to care enough to not do it? I don't know why I do this to myself. I think a lot of it is that I want to feel like everyone else. In my mind, the people around me, they get to eat what they want, without consequences, and I don't want to miss out - "why should I?" I say to myself... "I have a shitty life, why can't I at least eat the food I want to eat?" It's a shame the world doesn't actually work out that way. I feel so abnormal in so many ways, that I just want to eat what 'normal' people eat. I think there's also a self-destructive switch in my head that thinks weight loss = attractiveness, which = awkward feelings that I don't know how to deal with. So, essentially, to me, life is easier and simpler if I live it out in a fat suit - it's my armour.

What else... oh yeah, the other excess in my life - money.

I think like food, I find comfort in shopping. In buying pretty things and pretty clothes, because I CAN, because I want to. It's not sensible AT ALL. Online shopping is the worst - because it's like sneaking to the cupboard and opening a packet of chips as loudly as you want, because you know that everyone in the house is asleep with earplugs in - they can't hear you - you are free to do what you want. I'm not in serious debt, but I'm also just getting by, and not really saving anything. At the end of the financial year - that is terrible. I have an online clothes shop that I use all the time - they sell beautiful fashionable clothes specially for larger sizes, and I buy and buy and buy. I am so ashamed - I don't actually want to think about the amount of money that I have spent on clothes this past year, and again $144 tonight. What the fuck am I doing?

I'm a little scared at how out of hand I have let things get. I'm scared that I can't control myself. I'm scared of admitting this to the people around me, because I know how disappointed they would be in me; but they aren't stupid and they see things that I simply can't hide.

Essentially I know what needs to be done - I just don't seem to be able to take the first steps and keep going. I take a step one day and pivot right back around in the other direction again, because it's safe and easy.

I hoped that talking about things, writing them 'out loud' might make them real, and easier to tackle.

I'll force myself to address these things regularly, so that I am accountable to this blog at least. It's got to work - I have to make it happen.

SB xx