Ok - so I've abandoned the nest that was my 'feelings for John' but I haven't flown far. Instead I'm sitting on the high branch of a neighbouring tree, looking over at the place where I once lived. I didn't expect it to be easy. As someone wise, once said, "change is always challenged".
It's easy to feel removed from the feelings, when I'm not at work - but when I'm there, it's a whole lot harder. I wouldn't wish an unrequited work crush on my worst enemy - I really wouldn't. I know I go on and on about this, but sadly, it consumes me most of the time. I must shake him off. It doesn't matter how many times I declare to myself that I don't care for him or his business, I can't swallow it completely. Lately I've taken to telling myself he's just an evil-witchy man and should be avoided.
I didn't expect to feel so awkward around him still. Still, when I'm talking, when he's around, my words get all jumbled up. I'm not sure if it's his influence, or a sign that my brain is not functioning!
My subconscious was particularly cruel to me last night. When I went to bed, I was resolved to release whatever 'this' was. During the night I dreamt about him; part of which was a sequence where he was going away for a while and came and gave me a hug - not the 'lets not make chest contact' kind of hug; but the full on comforting, 'mammary gland to mammary gland' action, complete with lingering back rubbing. Shit.me. And, as if that wasn't bad enough - some up close and personal eye contact, with me looking up at him, asking the details of his departure, while continuing the embrace. It was the best hug I've ever received - real or no. When I woke, startled from the dream, I could hear a song in my head; none other than "Last Goodbye" by Jeff Buckley. If that's not prophetic, I don't know what is.
I fear this bird is going to be blue for a while longer.
SB xx
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