Wednesday, February 20, 2013

bad blogger!

It's been so long since I visited - I feel a little like a neglectful parent who has been allowing her child to spend their waking hours fixed in front of a television watching 'Dora the (why is my child being exposed to Spanish) Explorer', all the while feeding it a poor diet of toasted cheese sandwiches and flavoured milk.

I haven't been looking after this place, but at the same time I haven't really been feeling nourished by life, so I felt I had nothing of value to share.  The saga that is my health continues, and although most of the medical appointments have slowed down, there is still a question mark which looms in the vicinity of me.  I am almost probably normal, and definitely a complete mystery.  Oh well, if you can't be pretty, be an enigma, right?

Work sucks. Sucks balls. Sucks everything.  I wake up each day with the urge to turn over and call in sick - most days I don't (call in sick)... but sometimes I think the unhappiness sits within me turning rotten, and every now and then I become septic.  I am aware that lacking enthusiasm to rise to the occasion of a new work day is probably unhealthy - I am looking and hoping for a sign, a chance, an opportunity.. a winning lotto ticket.

There has been loss around me lately.  Mine and others.  I lost a pet of mine one month ago - it quietly devastated me, as I didn't know how to reconcile that I might be a bad owner with the fact that I now had a soft furry hole blown in my heart.  My nephew started school a few weeks ago - I inwardly began to grieve for the challenges I know he'll come to face, while outwardly I try to stand tall and look the world direct in the eye (at least when he's around) trying to instil resilience, belief in him. I witnessed a lady today, frail, bandaged and broken, wearing no shoes and a cobalt blue hospital gown five sizes too big, break today - cry quietly as if ashamed, in the corridor of the ward because she'd just had enough of not being enough. I felt like hugging her because I know what that's like. Wading in a land of absence is really fucking depressing, and can make it hard to look on that bright side... or to even see the bright side.

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