Sunday, February 3, 2013

not today Louise L. Hay

A few weeks ago, I purchased myself a Louise L. Hay book, in an effort to pull myself out of this funk I find myself in. Frustrated with work, life and myself; frightened by uncertainties and general stuck-ness - I thought she might have some wisdom for me.  I'm sure she's very clever, and positive, I don't imagine she even has cause to swear or raise her voice - but today Louise L. Hay - you just can't help me.  Today I'd like to smack Louise L. Hay over the head with her own book.

Sorry Louise L. Hay.. it's not you, really, it's just the whole sad sight of self-help books swallowing my shelves and desk.  And.. maybe a little you... mostly because I'm suspicious of eternally positive people.

I'm annoyed - 3-year-old style annoyed; stomp my feet, fall to the floor, pound my fists on the ground - frustrated. I DON'T WANT to do anything I don't want to do - I don't want to go to work, I don't want to be at home, I don't want to be alone but I don't want to be around people either. I don't want to feel grateful for a job I am growing to hate... mostly I don't want to feel like this any more.

I know adults can't behave this way. I know all of the above is silly, self-absorbed and petty.  I know once all is said and done, I can't bury my head in my hands and cry for my mother because:
a) that would be weird, and
b) it would get me nowhere.
As an adult, we have to come to the realisation that there is no one to blame for our situations; we can yell and scream and sulk all we want, but there's no one to hear us.  Somehow we have to pick ourselves up.

I don't have the answer on how to successfully do this without the drama. But I know we each just have to figure it out as best we can.  We have to be courageous to walk towards the things we don't want to face - work, a doctors appointment, an uncomfortable conversation, a foe, a decision...

I'm not perfect, I spent much of the day groaning and biting at my family if they dared approach, and I frequently revert to my depressive/anxiety driven habits - but I do know that the time we want to run away, is precisely the time we have to roll out of bed and face the new day - come what may.

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