life's gilded cage

I was at church today, attending the funeral service of a work colleagues husband. I didn't know him, and I hardly know my workmate well enough to be of any comfort in such a situation. Nonetheless I went, in a show of quiet support. Whatever that meant.

God may well strike me down for saying so, but I don't really get the sense of importance I figure I am supposed to gather from the priests words. Don't get me wrong, the church itself is beautiful, the colours of the stained glass are stunning, the light streaming in the windows just so, illuminating the crowd is, for want of a better word - magical. But inside it is cold and empty; a beautiful barren hall.

I don't believe I need to be in a church to feel God, to feel spiritual. I don't believe I can connect to the man at the front, speaking verses I don't comprehend. I started to think about what I'd want for myself. Would I want a church service, where the priest stretches truths to make me sound like a wonderful Christian? It may be a comfort to family, but would it best represent me?

My attention turned to the golden cabinet at the front of the church. Hidden away behind a modest curtain, sits that wonderful gold chest that must keep special things more special. As a child, I often wondered about it, and to this day I wish to peek inside and know its secrets.

And I wonder, do we all have golden cabinets - perhaps locked inside our hearts? What do we keep there? Secrets we know; truths we don't? If someone opened up my golden chest, what might they find? I hope they would find my dreams - I hope they would set them free like butterflies. I hope what might be found are all the things I hope to be and all the things I am. I hope there would be a measure of my love and a shattering, blinding light so bright, it would mark all that it touches.

I hope I get to share my little golden cabinet.

SB xx

Those (other) three little words

I've been communicating with John pretty regularly lately - emails back and forth between us, when we each have the time. I try to be funny and casual, with just a hint of innuendo -a type of literary wink. My friend M, the only one I ever confided in about my feelings for John told me once that men were a bit thick with 'things like these' and that I would have to help John reach a certain understanding. I never really kicked that habit.
I suppose this is because I hold hope that someday it'll all click for him - like a jigsaw completed....slapping palm to forehead, exclaiming "oh THAT's what she meant!?"

We talk about work a fair bit - he's actually been pretty lovely - offering advice and being that understanding ear I don't have elsewhere. He could simply say, don't stress - it'll get better and leave it at that; but what he does is offer strategies. I don't know his motives; I don't know why he opted to message a heap of his facebook friends telling them about the bosses job and encouraging them to look into it - I don't know why he included me in this message. I don't know why he cares to expend energy, thinking about the place he has left behind and trying to influence it from afar. Is he simply trying to help me? Or is he keeping the seat, steady and warm for his someday return - midday soap opera style?

I sent a brief, partly amusing facebook message to him last night, responding to one of his questions. Checking my mail today, I found a reply; a reply which begins with "haha! I miss you StrangeBird..". I miss you? I miss you like a friend? I miss your humour? I miss you like there's no one here like you? I miss you like I miss my dead childhood dog sometimes? I miss you like I am not whole without you?

When I read it I didn't know what to think - I left the computer and found a distraction. I returned some three hours later - logged in - stared at the message for minutes - pondered a response for many minutes more. How could I respond to this? It's the first direct emotional statement he's ever attached to me. He wrote it around midnight - was he delirious or drunk? Did he mean it in the way I wanted him to?

It took me a long time to answer. It was time to take my heart out of my pocket, dust it off and rest it on my sleeve a while. A simple reply:

I miss you too John..

Click.

SB xx

Second me the f**k outta here

My manager is being seconded to another department in a few short weeks...and when I say 'being', what I mean to say is she is choosing to do this. I've had a couple of weeks for the news to soak in. It actually doesn't bother me a great deal. The way I figure it, we'll actually be better off in a lot of ways.

It's starting to get hard on everyone though - suddenly certain people are taking advantage of our poor situation - kicking us while we are down I suppose. I'm trying hard to keep everything together - for the sake of the people around me, but sometimes what I really feel like doing is escaping. What I really feel like doing is talking to someone, John someone.

I broke my silence with John last week - I sat down late at night, writing a 'maybe I'll send this' email. I slept on the issue, and decided the next day that I would send it. By pure chance, he responded that day. He says he has been super busy, he tells me to send him as many emails as I like, he asked me about 'me', he told me he might have to do a quick trip back here, he told me he'd let me know when he was coming, as a catch up is in order. I about melted out of my skin. I miss having him around, I wish he would write more often, and I hope he does want to catch up with me. Emails from him brighten my day like nothing else. I promise myself this time I won't let it get out of hand; this time I will be patient, hopeful and open.

Thing is, I'm not very good at keeping my own promises.

SB xx

Dancing on the inside

This song is playing in my heart, and I don't really have a reason. I want to dance in this moment, just like Megan.



SB xx

Bad, romance!

If this isn't one of the most romantic things I've ever read... on a tea towel.

God love this boy...

Ahhhh....

SB xx

In mind

I found out the other day, that the boy from highschool who I was convinced I was destined to marry - is getting married in August... and I am not the bride-to-be.  Certainly puts some of those 'gut feelings' into perspective. 

And so, the lovefest for Adele continues.



SB xx

Oh, Audrey

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run their fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.

- Audrey Hepburn

May I

May today there be peace within.
May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others.
May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content with yourself just the way you are.

Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.  It is there for each and every one of us.

- Unknown

This quote was emailed to me today. Right now, I just can't imagine a better way to hope to be.

SB xx

Be it known

It's quite difficult to put into words how I feel at the moment. I guess the best way to express it, is to say that I've given myself permission to put myself first. I've been a passenger for a really long time. I don't want to be a passenger in my own ride; at the same time, nor do I want to be a lonely cat lady. The point is, I have to be able to choose for myself.

I've been moping for the longest time for many things and for certain people. I have placed everybody elses happiness above my own, because I don't feel like I matter enough to be considered. It has to stop.  I realise that I am allowing people to have this hold on me. At some point along the way I made the decision that it's ok for me to play this role, accepting it. Balls to that! I want to be the leading lady dammit!

I know, it's all easy sentiment to spit out, but not so easy to live. It will be hard, it will challenge me in many ways, but it is also now essential. If I'm interviewing for the 'role' of me, I'm performing just terribly right now.

No more allowing people hold on me who don't deserve or earn it. No more victim, no more procrastination. Now is the time I take the deep breath, roll up the proverbial sleeves and dig IN. I may not know what I want yet, but I will be the one deciding when I find 'it' and no one else.

SB xx

For the special ones...

For all the shit people in my world - always, but especially right now.



SB xx

Choosing the parrot or the poo

Lessons in extremes tonight: a reminder of important things I already knew, but that I forgot for a while; and then a lesson in the very important things I know, but that I choose to neglect. Bad, bad bird.

I was doing so well, and now I just want to be swallowed into the ground. I did a very silly thing. I relented on my John contact ban. In a moment of weakness, nay, idiocy I posted a ridiculous YouTube clip on his facebook wall. His very public facebook wall... An effing Seinfeld clip of all things. He hates Seinfeld. What the fuck StrangeBird? I am embarrassed for my alter ego; or is that the other way around?! Jesus.

It gets worse, I go the whole hog when I go for personal shame. Not enough that I go the public post, a lame post at that. No, I have to extend the misery...returning three hours later to the scene of the crime to find not a comment, not a pity like; nada-zip-zilch. It shouldn't be a big deal, but it is - because in my mind, he was supposed to see the post, get a laugh, remember how much he missed hearing from me and write back. If I wasn't so occupied being angry at myself for being weak and pathetic, I'd be angry at him for being a stupid, stupid man. I have such a flair for self torture, it's almost an art.

After what we shall from this moment on, call 'The Seinfeld Incident', I took myself to a presentation on 'Sparkling with Confidence - for women'. Some fucking sparkling specimen of a woman I make. Recently I realised I had lost contact with my 'internal' self, and I began to find myself drowning in a sea of my own thoughts. I've been floundering. The talk was interesting and served as a reminder not to let that naughty voice in my head rule me. I think that naughty voice tricked me tonight. Not only did I do something dumb, I also broke a promise to myself, which is the worst betrayal. I know I'll recover...but.

The presenter told a story tonight, about her experience at being at a meditation camp. Every day she would meditate outside, she loved to listen to the tweeting birds - she noticed early on, a lovely sounding parrot, but determined to keep on track she avoided searching for the source of the noise.  Everyday the thought of this parrot brought her joy, until the sixth day when she realised it wasn't a parrot at all - but rather a squeaking toilet door.  She was initially upset with herself for mistaking a toilet door for an exotic bird - the 'parrot' had delivered her joy, but now what she had was the memory of a toilet.  It was at that point she stated that we have a choice in every situation - to choose the parrot, or the poo.  For me, tonight was a steaming Seinfeld shaped poo, tomorrow I will hopefully find a parrot to focus on.

SB xx

Cease the daze

It's been a big week. Going back to work after holidays is always hard, but especially so when you don't want to be there at all.  I had to remind myself how it feels to be bound to responsibility... and how to keep my head.

I tried being disciplined this week, about John; about a lot of things.  I tried to put one foot in front of the other in a forward direction, instead of trying to jive around the monument of emotion I have created for myself.

Yesterday, another demon faced.  I met up with my travelling 'friend'.  The one that traded our European adventure for a cheap airline ticket.  I will never forget that.  We arranged to meet for coffee; the bitch kept me waiting for 15 minutes in a packed coffee shop.  The heat and the attention in that place warmed my cheeks to a punched pink hue.  I refused to be the victim.. again... I placed my order; it arrived before she did.  I waited for her because I am a polite person, but I think it sent a clear message.  I won't wait for you, or anyone, anymore. It felt good, powerful even - a small gesture but a valuable one. From little things, big things grow.

Most days lately, my life resembles an Adele song.  Today it is 'One and Only'. It is the loveliest song, and to never hear it would be a great shame.  It is exactly what I'd say to John if I could.

You've been on my mind,
I grow fonder every day,
Lose myself in time,
Just thinking of your face,
God only knows why it's taken me so long to let my doubts go,
You're the only one that I want,

I don't know why I'm scared,
I've been here before,
Every feeling, every word,
I've imagined it all,
You'll never know if you never try,
To forget your past and simply be mine,

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only,
Promise I'm worth it,
To hold in your arms,
So come on and give me a chance,
To prove I am the one who can walk that mile,
Until the end starts,

If I've been on your mind,
You hang on every word I say,
Lose yourself in time,
At the mention of my name,
Will I ever know how it feels to hold you close,
And have you tell me whichever road I choose, you'll go?

I don't know why I'm scared,
'Cause I've been here before,
Every feeling, every word,
I've imagined it all,
You'll never know if you never try,
To forget your past and simply be mine,

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only,
I promise I'm worth it, mmm,
To hold in your arms,
So come on and give me a chance,
To prove I am the one who can walk that mile,
Until the end starts,

I know it ain't easy giving up your heart,
I know it ain't easy giving up your heart,
Nobody's perfect,
(I know it ain't easy giving up your heart),
Trust me I've learned it,
Nobody's perfect,
(I know it ain't easy giving up your heart),
Trust me I've learned it,
Nobody's perfect,
(I know it ain't easy giving up your heart),
Trust me I've learned it,
Nobody's perfect,
(I know it ain't easy giving up your heart),
Trust me I've learned it,

So I dare you to let me be your, your one and only,
I promise I'm worth it,
To hold in your arms,
So come on and give me a chance,
To prove I am the one who can walk that mile,
Until the end starts,

Come on and give me a chance,
To prove I am the one who can walk that mile,
Until the end starts.

Promise I'm worth it.

SB xx