It's quite difficult to put into words how I feel at the moment. I guess the best way to express it, is to say that I've given myself permission to put myself first. I've been a passenger for a really long time. I don't want to be a passenger in my own ride; at the same time, nor do I want to be a lonely cat lady. The point is, I have to be able to choose for myself.
I've been moping for the longest time for many things and for certain people. I have placed everybody elses happiness above my own, because I don't feel like I matter enough to be considered. It has to stop. I realise that I am allowing people to have this hold on me. At some point along the way I made the decision that it's ok for me to play this role, accepting it. Balls to that! I want to be the leading lady dammit!
I know, it's all easy sentiment to spit out, but not so easy to live. It will be hard, it will challenge me in many ways, but it is also now essential. If I'm interviewing for the 'role' of me, I'm performing just terribly right now.
No more allowing people hold on me who don't deserve or earn it. No more victim, no more procrastination. Now is the time I take the deep breath, roll up the proverbial sleeves and dig IN. I may not know what I want yet, but I will be the one deciding when I find 'it' and no one else.