Friday, April 1, 2011

99 problems

This past week has felt like an eternity (well, almost). After Monday, I was ready for it to be Thursday.

I am pleased to announce I did not sprout a second head, or any parasitic organisms, after using the lucky-dip cream on my face.  I guess you'd say that's a win.

My job interview went well (I think)... although I went through my answers way too quick.  Days after the interview, I started to question whether I even wanted the job anymore. I found some old documents shelved away - snapshots of a time when my position was different, and when it was morphing into the mess it is now.  Do I really want to sign on for that?  Am I strong enough to try and change it?  There are some days, when I think the answer to both questions is 'yes'.. but then, there are other days - when I just want to tell the lot of them to get fucked.  Today was one of those days.

It's difficult working in a place, where I am so stunted.  Most of us non-university educated, self identified plebs accept our place in the world, we get that we don't make as much money, we've made different choices, we are simply less important.  However, just like the I can poke fun of my family but you can't universal rule - it doesn't make it ok for outsiders to share these opinions; to infer these beliefs about me. On my drive home, I started to think about the changing attitudes around me.. about the hollow words that come out of my bosses mouth from time to time, token gifts about how amazing us support staff are - like I'm supposed to be grateful for that.  It made me sick - when will people learn: actions speak louder than words.  Actions scream.  Give me the quiet, gentle, behind-the-scenes creature over the showy shithead who achieves nothing - any day. Any. Day.

During the week, my highly expensive, almost brand new apple item died - this was a tense point in the week. I about cried myself to sleep the night it happened, purely because it was another thing added to my list of 'things I had to figure out'.

Some of the old patients I encountered at work this week were asking after John - they missed him.  I flitted between missing him and loathing him much of the week.  Still disappointed about the non-ending; torn between wanting to be reminded of him and wishing to forget he existed - everywhere I looked, were more tokens of John; everyone wanted to reminisce - I just wanted to erase.  Seeing his updates on facebook served as more reminders.  Like watching the part of a horror movie you know is going to damage you, but yet not wanting to look away for fear of missing something life-altering... I can't help but read the things I know will only upset me.

And, to top it off - possibly most devastating of all - it looks like I'm losing my hairdresser!  What a week.

SB xx

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