My emotions betray me tonight. The fury has been brewing since I sat through another work meeting, which was so filled with bullshit that it was hard to see any truth in any words. So, like a dormant volcano I smoke and rumble intermittently - but instead of spewing a fiery, sticky and burning tirade of lava - I'm just left with the overwhelming urge to cry. WRONG EMOTION!
I know, it's my decisions that have ultimately lead me to the position I am in. Like the parent of a naughty child, I just keep wanting to believe the best. However, every now and then I get a reminder that I don't matter to my work colleagues. What I think-feel-want-say does not matter to them; at all, and remembering this just burns.
I try to joke around the issues that bug me. Using humor to shield the hurt and sarcasm to get my point across - more so for my own protection than theirs. But, it's like smacking your head against a sharp object, in the hope to wear down its cutting edge - essentially futile, demeaning and just plain painful. I am grateful for the strength that rises in me to fight on the days I do, but I am disillusioned by the selfishness and general shitness of the people around me. What can I say - it knocks me to the floor every time and 'grounds' me.
I had a reading done a few months back - and it said that by the years end, my life would be moving in an entirely different direction. I fight the urge to leave my job, against the universes advice it seems. I'm supposed to meet Mr StrangeBird before the year is out too. Time is ticking and I gotta say, it's not looking good. Come on universe - get behind the Bird - it's time!