Sunday, December 30, 2012

t'was the night before

My head feels twitchy tonight, and if I don't write something down, it threatens to rattle around in my head until the wee hours.

I'm thinking about the new year.  About the things that are coming.  This MRI, a possible bad diagnosis; my thirtieth year on this planet.  There's always another disaster theory to replace the old ones.  I don't want to be afraid - mostly because I don't feel like I have anyone to confide in; I feel like it's waste.  I just want to say "it is what it is" and that's it - believe it, accept it.

I can't change what's to come.

Clare Bowditch wanted to know what her fans wish to 'feel' in the new year.  I thought about my answer all day.  I want to feel:
I want to feel how I've never before.

I've been thinking about friends - how maybe I'm a bad one.

I declined L's invite to a New Years Eve dinner with her and her mate. I think she's pissed at me - but down to the gritty root of it all - I actually don't give a fuck.  L does what she does for L - and I'm not saying that's necessarily a bad thing - but it doesn't mean I need to do things for L too.  Every time I think I should feel guilty, I remember how she royally screwed me on the Italy trip we were meant to take - and then, strangely, I don't feel so bad.  I'm not trying to punish her - I'm just doing what I want for a change - taking her lead.

I wonder if these thoughts make me a bad person? Probably.

I think about other friends too. Missing random conversations and deep truths stumbled upon in shallow ways. I want to reach out sometimes, just to say "come back, please talk to me again." I don't think I'm crazy. I just don't want to be alone in the craziness around me.

I want to make things 'right' with the people that matter.  There aren't many, and I include myself in that short list.

2013? Will it be rolling with the punches, or swimming with the current?  I wonder if I'm capable of that.  Will I be throwing any punches of my own? Well, I kind of hope so.

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