Thursday, September 20, 2012

gastro girl

I think the gastro that struck me down may have just been a blessing in disguise.  Of course, it was horrible - but it also forced me to slow down, and the three days away from work have been an absolute gift (wrapped in toilet paper and dry biscuits crumbs, but a gift nonetheless). I've slept so well, my muscular pain has been at ease, and tonight, after being able to eat dinner, and drink a cup of tea later, with actual milk in it, was beyond fantastic.

It has been a rough ride - I have been irrational, angry, upset, depressed.  Convinced the world hated me, when maybe really all it was trying to do was tell me to slow the fuck down. Thinking I was being punished - like maybe I'd committed some selfish, questionable acts and this was me reaping what I sowed.  I haven't been coping well lately and the people around me have been hit by the stray fire, but I figure at least in acknowledging my misgivings, it makes me a better person than most.

I'm not trying to be sad.
I'm not trying to be witty or charming, or right - I'm just trying to be me - an OK version of me.

I miss writing, I miss having silly thoughts and being taken away by them.  I miss having banter with that inexperienced writer voice in my head, because sometimes she's good fun.

The other day, eating lunch on the steps of the veranda, I dropped a morsel of cheese. I figured the ants would think it's Christmas - but then I wondered: do ants 'do' dairy? I have to admit that after thinking about it, they kinda seem to me like the kind of creature that might be lactose intolerant.

I want to be bullshit intolerant - my own, but especially others.

And I don't want to be made to feel bad, just for every now and then putting my hand up and asking hey, well what about me?

The past three days have reminded me that the world isn't going to fall apart if I sub out - it will continue to turn.  Stepping back has provided a lovely echo of perspective.  What a shame I can't take a picture from up here.

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