give me diamonds

Give me diamond days - clarity, strength, beauty - that's what I need. I'm not thinking straight - I don't know where my focus is. I feel like I'm being eaten up by my poor emotions - I'm angry at everyone, for simply being there to 'annoy' me. I hate feeling like I've got one hand gripping the ledge and the other pulling at my hair. And the thing is, it makes no sense.  I think I'm fighting the flow; just when I was getting good at coasting too.

The thing is, if I could remove all the things, all the people that challenge me - I'd likely be left in the centre of an empty room, the only sound being that of the light bulb swinging on its wire and my own voice, complaining about some inconsiderate bastard leaving the door open - or not open - or not putting a door there at all.  See, I get what it means now - to say you can't live with, or without; I feel like everything around me is trying to knock me down and if I wish it away, I know in truth I don't really want to be alone.

I don't know if this frustration I feel is simply my anxieties wearing a mask? Truth be told,  I'm sure I don't want to scratch beyond the surface, for fear of what I may find.

I'm so tired of feeling like a joke, a nutcase.  How is it, most other people walk about their lives, seemingly not fighting a war within? I feel like the handler of a double agent - never trusting, not easily making sense, always looking to shady corners expecting to find trouble. I thought for a long time, that I had come to understand my quirky ways - that I knew how to ride the internal waves. Lately I haven't felt this way.

Trying to find the pulled thread that is making my whole fabric unravel is like diving into a giant puzzle box, looking for a corner piece. You move to grasp one that is obscured by layers, only to find it's unidentifiable, and that it might actually be from another puzzle entirely.

...Live inside a dream, but we're all on the same team.
We will all agree there's things we don't know.
Live inside a dream, but we're all trying to reach
We're all trying to see those things we don't know.

I'm here, I'm not here.
There's nothing that I know for sure.
You're here, you're not here.
How long can this all go on for?

I'm here, I'm not here.
There's nothing that I know for sure.
You're here, you're not here.
How long can this all go on for?

Oh, I don't know

(Julia Stone 'I'm here, I'm not here')