Thursday, April 12, 2012

the sun also rises

I felt so defeated at work today that I wanted to scream and cry. Isn't anybody paying attention around here? I want to let all the things that upset me, spill from my mouth and hurt others, the way these things hurt me.  I'm so tired; exhausted from being on guard all the time.  Like a soldier, crouched in the trenches, anticipating attack, but not knowing when it will come - and maybe it won't.  What are we fighting for?

And the thoughts. These fucking thoughts. Who is to know what is real? Is what I'm feeling real - are these true accounts of what is happening here and now - or does my perception taint the transmission? Maybe I'm the one not paying attention? Thoughts may not be fact, but they feel true - to me.

I can't talk about these things with anyone. Who would care to listen? It's like trying to explain a private universe to people that have never been.  And the truth is, we all have our own.  Nothing makes mine worse than somebody elses - it's just my personal pain that makes it feel bad - for me. The point of view of the outsider, looking from above is always simplified. It must be a regular 'Days of our lives' to God, if he sits up there watching us.

Knowing what I do - that nothing is perfect - should I "suck it up" or "harden up", "keep calm and stop carrying on".  If I'm not carrying on, am I giving in? Will I have lost myself?

Yes, the sun sets - but it also rises. If this all continues to consume me, what a mess I'll be. Yes, it is scary not knowing what to do, not having a feeling of ownership or pride, feeling misplaced.  But perhaps I need to embrace the uncertainty, because maybe someday I won't have the luxury to decide who I want to be. People don't always get the choice.  So, maybe I need to start making some wild decisions and see where they lead me.

I've always been obsessed with what I don't want.  Maybe to start at the simple 'wants' is the best thought yet.


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