I felt so defeated at work today that I wanted to scream and cry. Isn't anybody paying attention around here? I want to let all the things that upset me, spill from my mouth and hurt others, the way these things hurt me. I'm so tired; exhausted from being on guard all the time. Like a soldier, crouched in the trenches, anticipating attack, but not knowing when it will come - and maybe it won't. What are we fighting for?
And the thoughts. These fucking thoughts. Who is to know what is real? Is what I'm feeling real - are these true accounts of what is happening here and now - or does my perception taint the transmission? Maybe I'm the one not paying attention? Thoughts may not be fact, but they feel true - to me.
I can't talk about these things with anyone. Who would care to listen? It's like trying to explain a private universe to people that have never been. And the truth is, we all have our own. Nothing makes mine worse than somebody elses - it's just my personal pain that makes it feel bad - for me. The point of view of the outsider, looking from above is always simplified. It must be a regular 'Days of our lives' to God, if he sits up there watching us.
Knowing what I do - that nothing is perfect - should I "suck it up" or "harden up", "keep calm and stop carrying on". If I'm not carrying on, am I giving in? Will I have lost myself?
Yes, the sun sets - but it also rises. If this all continues to consume me, what a mess I'll be. Yes, it is scary not knowing what to do, not having a feeling of ownership or pride, feeling misplaced. But perhaps I need to embrace the uncertainty, because maybe someday I won't have the luxury to decide who I want to be. People don't always get the choice. So, maybe I need to start making some wild decisions and see where they lead me.
I've always been obsessed with what I don't want. Maybe to start at the simple 'wants' is the best thought yet.