Thursday, December 8, 2011

ain't no good

This morning flashed at me like a warning light. Waking in the early hours of the day light, I awoke to a noise - what sounded like a voice - I can't even say what I think I heard, because it's so crazy. As I drove to work, a big black crow flew by my side - just long enough for me to see his floating body through my passenger window. I took it to be a bad omen; something about the noise they make, or the fact they pick at things that were alive once... or perhaps because of what crows 'told' my great grandmother many years ago.

I was scared.

I received bad news today, from my good friend, whose husband is very sick. He may not be saved this time. My friend is just the loveliest person, who has seen so much tragedy in her life - her husband, a good man... and I just can't believe it's happening all over again. In my mind, I curse God, why is it so unfair; in my heart I know this changes nothing. Resolved to tears - eventually rolling into indifference - an ache.

This afternoon I see a five cent coin sitting on the ground: see a penny, pick it up... I don't collect - because I think to myself that I don't need the luck, that maybe the luck could be saved for someone who really does need it... then I thought the whole luck thing is bullshit and I wouldn't get it anyway, even if I deserved it.  Because luck never goes to where it's really needed - luck is a bad man with poor intentions.

SB xx

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