Monday, November 7, 2011


The upheaval is over. I had my clinic appointment today, which lasted all of twenty minutes.  The lady had a poke at my chest, basically said "why are you here 28 year old - be gone!".  I felt like such a silly little girl.  You know, we put our lives in other peoples hands - these 'specialists' - they could use a unit or two on, I don't know; empathy or maybe filtering their thoughts.  Thank you General Practitioner - again.  But, I mustn't lose what is at the heart of this - and that is - the lump is ok.

I want to use this as an opportunity to change my outlook - I know, another one?! I don't want to be sad anymore, or bitter. I don't want to find fault so easily.  Perhaps it has been this extended time away from work - but I realise that I just don't like the person I turn into when I am there. Some of us were discussing my absent boss at work the other day - and it was far too easy for me to slip back into that wounded-bitch-mode again. I'd be lying if I said I had forgiven her for what has passed, but I do not want to hang onto all of this - this hate (?), so tightly that it starts to smother me; become me. It's not who I am; more importantly, it's not who I want to be. Despite all my hard work over the past three years and eleven months, all people remember of me is that stupid email - they don't know what drove me to it, and they don't want to try and understand - I can't make them understand, and it's time to accept that. I am going to try, with all my might to just let go. Be fluid to the challenges I face.  If my seconded boss comes back, I deal with it. I suspect the time for me to be gracious has about expired - but I want to make up for that as best I can. Leading ladies come out on top, and that's where I want to be.

Speaking of leading ladies - oh how I wish I was Kimbra...

SB xx


Rianna said...

I understand about the specialists! When I burnt my hand the 'specialist' came to decide if I needed a skin graft or not, demanded to know how much morphine I'd been given that morning, grabbed my hand and pushed the actual skin off my finger to ascertain if the flesh beneath was still alive. The nurse standing beside me was horrified and I was so grateful to her that she told him to 'let go of her hand now'. I think they just exist in some pretentious world where everyone bends to them and they completely lose all empathy (do they even have it to begin with?)
However, I'm thrilled for your result :)

StrangeBird said...

Gosh Ri - that sounds positively horrible! I agree - I think they have grand delusions about themselves sometimes.