The upheaval is over. I had my clinic appointment today, which lasted all of twenty minutes. The lady had a poke at my chest, basically said "why are you here 28 year old - be gone!". I felt like such a silly little girl. You know, we put our lives in other peoples hands - these 'specialists' - they could use a unit or two on, I don't know; empathy or maybe filtering their thoughts. Thank you General Practitioner - again. But, I mustn't lose what is at the heart of this - and that is - the lump is ok.
I want to use this as an opportunity to change my outlook - I know, another one?! I don't want to be sad anymore, or bitter. I don't want to find fault so easily. Perhaps it has been this extended time away from work - but I realise that I just don't like the person I turn into when I am there. Some of us were discussing my absent boss at work the other day - and it was far too easy for me to slip back into that wounded-bitch-mode again. I'd be lying if I said I had forgiven her for what has passed, but I do not want to hang onto all of this - this hate (?), so tightly that it starts to smother me; become me. It's not who I am; more importantly, it's not who I want to be. Despite all my hard work over the past three years and eleven months, all people remember of me is that stupid email - they don't know what drove me to it, and they don't want to try and understand - I can't make them understand, and it's time to accept that. I am going to try, with all my might to just let go. Be fluid to the challenges I face. If my seconded boss comes back, I deal with it. I suspect the time for me to be gracious has about expired - but I want to make up for that as best I can. Leading ladies come out on top, and that's where I want to be.
Speaking of leading ladies - oh how I wish I was Kimbra...