Monday, September 19, 2011

nose meets grindstone

It was my first day back at work today, after five weeks of leave. Suffice to say, it was horrid. I felt like a child, facing a new year of school.  I felt like this:

I had a particularly rough night last night.  And by rough, I mean emotionally charged. It was everything and nothing - the real and the imagined that started it all - and once the ball got rolling, oh was it messy.  I'm still feeling very delicate.  I think without the distraction of an impending adventure, my mind allowed itself to sink back to reality - the John stuff settled... and, it didn't really help that I tried to check out things via that e-vil facebook... I remembered that I'm unhappy at my workplace, I'm actually pretty unhappy with my life.  I tried to write it down, in the hope that it would help - I'm not going to post it, because it's too messy, nonsensical and kind of verging on the suicidal.  Eeek. I scared myself a little.  I think it's hormones gone wild. I hope that's all it is.

I went through a really terrible period when I hit high school.  I never had an issue with the work, it was the kids, the change, the new system; then, I started to get teased, by one really persistent kid.  It got so bad - I cried myself into submission every week day and night, making myself physically sick because of it all.  At the time we had these really close family friends, who we would pretty much do something with every weekend - and it was those limited weekend hours that got me through each week.  It was only in the company of this family, that I felt truly safe - protected.  Last night I got a taste of that ill-worry again, and it was frightening.  Except now, I don't really have a distraction.

So, today I put on a pair of my big hoop earrings (because I always feel more powerful when wearing hoops) and I found the biggest, blood-red hair flower I have in my arsenal of hair accessories - and I crowned myself with it.  I needed more than hoops and flower-power... but these things always help, a little.

I wanted to look like this:

To save myself from this:

And this:

So, I survived day one. I'm not sure I have a big enough flower to see me through the rest of the week. I guess time will tell. Right now I just know I am so grateful to be home.

SB xx

No comments: