Tuesday, May 24, 2011

another late night epiphany

I half-heartedly joked recently with someone, that I had 'dropped my bundle'. This is not entirely untrue. It's pretty clear that my bundle has been in a progressively poor state.

I had hoped that having time off from work would help me piece myself together, locate my 'bundle' or whatever remnants are left. Truth is, I don't know where to begin looking.  If I'm being truthful with myself, I realise this 'relocation' will come from looking within, rather than searching outside myself.

What exactly are the problems?

I can't let go of John. I live in a state of make believe and wishes - where I play out his return or my arrival, or that magical email that tells me I belong to him. If we look deeper, he represents a lost chance, another example of moments not ceased, of moments spent hiding away. Maybe John is just another substitute for acceptance, love of self, and the notion that someone could actually love me. I have to say, that is a foreign reality to me. Maybe I hang onto John so tightly, because if I don't, he becomes another example of someone I was wrong about; evidence I am in fact disgusting and awful and unlovable. Those stinging words, bring tears to my eyes and here we arrive at the root cause - I just want to be in love. I just want someone to love me, not because they have to - because they need to. That poor bastard John, to be the keeper of this and not even know it.

I know what I have to do. Cease communication. No more emails, messages or cute innuendo. It probably just confuses him and leaves me hurt. What is the point of prolonging the pain? If he writes to me, I'll answer - if he doesn't, he is free and I have my answer. From this moment on, he is released. I will try very hard to expect nothing, and when it comes, I'll try even harder to be unsurprised.

I hate myself, I hate what I look like. I'm overweight and insecure; all I want to be is a delicate swan - what I am is an awkward ox. Nobody wants the ox, everyone wants the swan - I want the swan.

So, I must set up a timetable for exercise - make an effort. Eat consciously; use my stomach as the sensor and not my heart. There is no food in existence that can fill this void.

Work - try not to take things so personally. Being all things to all people leaves me with nothing. Do my job to the best of my ability - do not enter into rumour or judgement - be an island as much as I can. At worst, bide my time until I can jump ship, keep an eye on the jobs pages. Keep an open mind.

Above all, retain hope that someday soon all of 'this' is going to be worth it - that it will deliver the ultimate prize...contentment.

SB xx


Rianna said...

You write with wonderful candidness!!! I loved reading this post. And you're not alone - we've all felt like that/ or will feel like that at some time in our lives. I especially dig the line "my bundle has been in a progressively poor state"; THAT I totally get!! xo

StrangeBird said...

Thank you for stopping by Rianna, and for your lovely comments :)