The Power of the Clique

I made a decision just now, not to attend my impending 10 year High School Reunion. Despite what it may seem, it wasn't a decision born out of bitterness or shame, but rather.. self preservation? And self satisfaction.

I had a long hard think about it.

Do I want to celebrate 10 years since high school? Hardly.
Do I have a burning desire to relive my high school experience? Nope. It was scorching enough the first time around, thank you very much.
Do I want to be in a room full of the same self absorbed, petty shits I escaped 10 years ago? And PAY for the privilege? Hell NO!

Look, I get the nostalgia factor... I personally just don't get nostalgic about most of those people who would be attending. FACT: these people were not interested in me during high school, and they are not interested in me now. The people I would genuinely like to see and know how they are, won't be there, so I figure I'll leave the brat love-fest to those that deserve and want it.

It gave me great pleasure to click the 'Not Attending' button on the facebook invite, and simply because it was a decision I made for myself. I don't need to relive or rehash the last ten years - they haven't been the easiest for me, and I am happy to leave them right where they are... in the past.

People might judge me for this decision, because they won't understand why a person wouldn't want to go to their own reunion. That's fine. But for me, right now, there is nothing about high school or it's people I want to re-unite with.

Over and out.

SB xx

coming up empty

Today's song is from Sia, called "I'm in here". It's perfect.

I'm in here, can anybody see me?
Can anybody help?

I'm in here, a prisoner of history,
Can anybody help?

Can you hear my call?
Are you coming to get me now?
I've been waiting for,
You to come rescue me,
I need you to hold,
All of the sadness I can not,
Living inside of me...

It was raining today. I don't particularly like the rain when I have to go out in it - lets just say it doesn't really agree with my hair?! But today, I welcomed it. It rained most of the day and some of last night, and while the water was washing away the dirt and the shit - it seemed to wash me 'clean' too. When I arrived at work, I realised that John is not who I created in my head. The real John is cruel and not at all like the noble man I made him to be. This clarity is exactly what I needed. I discovered that he is just a player - a very good one, but still a player, and I mostly just feel really stupid for fooling myself over, and over.

Today I was finally able to draw the line.

John is on this side
_____________
And I am here.
And that is ok with me.

I don't need to be wasting myself on anything less than what is real and true.

SB xx

No Line on the Horizon

My world is about lines right now. Seeking lines to follow, drawing lines in the sand and crossing lines that probably shouldn't be crossed. Lines of different kinds, but lines nonetheless.

I'm searching for a line to keep me on track and comfort me. My life feels so stagnant... if there are good changes coming in the breeze, I want to see them - I'm searching for them, so that it might make this limbo part easier to take. I can feel change is in the air, and I so badly want it to be mine.

I drew lines in my mind, about how I might begin to deal with John. It's crap and I can't keep spinning these old thoughts that end up trapping me inside; alone and sad. I want to be friendly, but detached. It's not working so well.

And then, I started flirting with these crossing lines. I teetered on the edge. I felt like having fun with all these lines that taunt me so. I had to reply to an email from John today and I was ballsy and suggestive and I didn't care. There is a part of me that is tired from playing safe; I know it's not smart - but there is that desire in me to push things so far, just to see where it might lead. I suspect this particular line will end abruptly with a full stop.

SB xx

You Can't Manufacture Magic

I did my best this weekend, to make magic things - but it's hard trying to make something spectacular on your own. I spent hours today trying to catch 'something' with my camera... but alas, the magic formula eludes me.

I think this is just proof, that you can't create magical moments, or magical anything - because if something is truly magical, it will happen of its own accord.

It's like me, trying to outrun the shitty stuff and pre-empt anything remotely good. It can't be done, and neither should it be, I suppose.

With life, I think patience is a necessity and not a virtue.

SB xx

Dinner with Dickinson

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words
And never stops at all

And sweetest in the Gale is heard
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm

I've heard it in the chillest land
And on the strangest Sea
Yet, never, in Extremity
It asked a crumb of Me

(Emily Dickinson)

StrangeBird is a thing with feathers too.

SB xx

Dynamite Heart

Today's song struck me early and has remained my song of the day. It's another Megan Washington called "Lover/Soldier". It's delicate and disarming, but kind of rough at the same time. Sort of the way I wish I was.

Yes, I know that when you hear this you'll feel strange (I know)
Still out of sight, but I've got this mouth that's full of dynamite, tonight.
Lover you're a soldier. You're a long long way from home.
A long way from your mother and you do it on your own.
I don't belong to you, and you don't belong to me.
I don't think we need to. It's just so easy.

So I survive. I just try to get through and stay alive...

I'm a mix of emotions tonight. I want to be happy, but I'm not. I feel like a piece is missing, but I don't know what shape or colour the piece is. I'm just hanging out in a dark room, waiting for the lights to switch on - scanning the walls with my hands, but all the while hoping someone else will just flick them on for me.

It was my travelling 'friends' birthday earlier this week. I sent her a present, even though I didn't feel like gift giving. This is the friend who I spent ages planning a trip to Italy with, before she went off in a fit of tight-ass-ness and brought her own ticket without consulting me. That sentence just boiled it down simply - but going down, it hurt and consequently, Italy and I never met. I'm angry at her, and I don't think I'll ever get over that. It's probably just as well she's settled herself in England for the time being, because I'm not sure I want much less distance between us. I have to reply to her email. I'm trying to remain polite, but there's always going to be a very obvious divide between us.

I think this weekend is the weekend for challenging myself. I will channel the loneliness into active creativity - I'm going to dust off the camera and see what I can do. I guess now is the time to do it, while no one is watching.

SB xx

OH GOD - I just remembered something very disturbing I discovered while facebook stalking Benchpress me NOW Boy... he's one of those awful text-talk, spell it like it sounds, but missing half the letters people. I HATE those people.

Care Bare

With today's song I tried to upload the YouTube video, which was really good, but evidently too big, so instead you just get the words. It's from the legendary Paul Kelly, called "Careless".

How many cabs in New York City, how many angels on a pin?
How many notes in a saxophone, how many tears in a bottle of gin?
How many times did you call my name, knock at the door but you couldn't get in?

I know, I've been, careless

I've been wrapped up in a shell nothing could get through to me
Acted like I didn't know I had friends or family
I saw worry in their eyes, it didn't look like fear to me

I know, I've been, careless
I lost, my tenderness
I know, I've been, careless
I took, bad care of this

Like a mixture in a bottle, like a frozen over lake
Like a longtime painted smile, I got so hard I had to crack
You were there, you held the line, you're the one that brought me back...

I feel like I've been really careless with myself for a long, long time. And even today, still careless. But not in the sense that I am without worry - instead, negligent with myself, with my poor heart. It's not just unrequited John love here, although that's a big part - there's other ways I've been careless.

I had a reading done recently - a bit of mirror-mirror-on-the-wall-type-business and the results were interesting, but not entirely what I'd hoped. Like any impatient female, I want the answers, I want them now! But, to be fair, I feel like I've waited my entire adult life for answers that haven't arrived - so excuse me for wanting to hurry them along. Big things to show in the reading were that there would be an unexpected pregnancy around me, or with me (eeeek!!.... say it with me now... immaculate conception!); that there would be a career change for me because I'm unhappy where I currently am; that not right now, but before the years end I would find a man (and keep him, it would seem) and it would move fast and that by years end my life would be moving in a completely different direction. YAY for the changes and double YAY for the man and super triple YAY if it all comes to fruition.

SB xx

Shades of Blue

I'm feeling empty. Like the last remaining drop of soft drink in an awkward plastic bottle, I've gone a little flat, I wouldn't fill an entire glass and most could 'take or leave' me.

I don't know what it is - I can't put my finger on it. There's no pulse to feel on this beast that is my... loneliness?

Is it work? Yeah, probably a little bit. Is it still that bastard John? Yep, almost certainly. Is it the way my life, the personal inner workings of my life seem eternally stagnant? Positively.

I think I know what it means to have someone 'under your skin'... except I haven't got all the awesome bits that I imagine go with such a predicament. Like stolen soft kisses and holding hands that aren't my own. If I had a choice that meant I could continue the same job I have, but in a different place, I think I'd most certainly take it. It cuts deeper than imaginable to have to sit metres away from your hearts desire, and know you'll never have them. You want to talk about torture... talk about that. And logically, don't get me started on the logical reasoning for wasting your heart on a wish - because there simply isn't any. I don't know how to switch it off. I CAN'T!

He's wasn't at work today - but circumstances arose as such, that I had to message him. I thought about not doing it, but then it would've reflected badly upon my work... and I don't want to allow this shit to wreck that too. I messaged him 5 hours ago. I received a 'thanks' reply 5 minutes ago, with a smiley face and a note to say his time away is 'awesome'.... he remembered he won't see me till Thursday. That's a good sign, right? Can you see how stupidly hopeless this is? What does the fucking smiley face even mean... if it means anything at all. Should I reply? Or does he not want to hear from me?

Fuck me.... I just messaged him. I wished him safe travels and said I was 'glad' he was enjoying himself, I returned the smiley face gesture, whatever that means. Jesus.

Is it his fault he doesn't see me in any other way, than someone worthy of a smiley face? Hardly. Does it hurt? Like nothing else.

There are some days where I feel like if I just said it out loud, to someone, it might make it better - but it'd probably make it a million times worse. I think about the day when he leaves, that then maybe, if I'm still around, I'd say something then - but what would that do?

Jesus Christ and heavens above - what do I do?

I want so desperately for my life to be amusing and funny - but at the moment, it's just sad and pathetic.

SB xx

Backup

I want to be back at a time when things were simple. When a 'touch lamp' was magical. Where all it took to make you giggle would be a squeaky sounding door and when all that mattered was then and there in that very moment you were existing.

But somewhere it's all unlearnt, you grow up and things cease being simple... until someone little reminds you all over again.

SB xx

LoveSICK

This kind of sickness I am afflicted with, is worse than any other passing illness. No, I'm not the good love sick - I am the bad, kill me now - sick of lovey dovey, kissy kissy, love game, love sick.

Look, maybe I've got my bitter suit on - or maybe I've just had it up to my eyeballs with the bullshit dramas of the people around me. What must be realised, is that when my co-workers go through their "he loves me, he love me not" moments/hours/days/weeks - they take me with them too. AND I don't even get a break when they are off again, because then there's another miserable prevailing mood - one of ice and hate.

Yeah, there's probably some jealously, I'll be the first to admit - I wanted him for a whole year. Most of the time I think I'm over it - but it's days like today that make it really hard.

Kids, please - don't subject me to anymore beating around the proverbial love bush. I just gotta say shit, or get off the pot!

SB xx

The Washington Post

Today's song is from the clever Megan Washington, called 'Cement'. I've pasted the album lyrics, because they are a lot prettier than my efforts.

It makes me wish I had someone writing for me on my sidewalk...

SB xx

Ray

You're the man Ray, and with that voice, you can give me trouble any day.

The Trouble with StrangeBird

There's a problem, and I notice it most when I'm driving. Let me just say, I'm a pretty good driver (ok, aside from the curb incident last week).

When I'm driving, I like to kind of have the road to myself. I don't like driving on roads that are congested; if someone is travelling behind me, and they start following close - it kind of spooks me. So, when this happens, I use the mirrors a lot, and find myself concentrating more than I probably should, on the car/s behind me, on what's going on with them. Instead of focusing purely on what's ahead, I get caught up on watching behind.

And the problem with this, is that I do the same thing in life too. There's rarely a time that I'm looking forward and not thinking about what's behind me. What becomes wrong with this, is that you miss out on seeing things ahead - not only dangerous things, but good things too. Warning signs, yes, but people too. Living in the past, looking at life through the rear view mirror is no way to live, or drive.

SB xx

Shameful Sherlock

I was just doing some time wasting on facebook, and happened across... none other than the identity of Benchpress me NOW boy! ARRGGH! A stroke of luck? Now I kinda feel naughty?! Like I just peeked inside someones window or something. And now, I don't know how I feel.

But wouldn't you know it - damn it, he has privacy settings, which prevented me from learning any more than how many friends he has, and where he's from. Fancy that! Doesn't anyone trust anyone these days??

For the record, I don't trust anyone either... but I'm a girl and that's ok... right?

SB xx

Chasing Rainbows (and other pointless activities)

I am significantly without inspiration at present. I must say that I'm not finding much joy in things - well, at work really. The atmosphere of the place is so shitty and disjointed. I know I have a warped sense of 'the way things should be'. Sadly it isn't enough that I think things should be a certain way, that people should be a certain way.

I'm finding myself feeling stuck again, bored. The boredom gives me more time to focus on the crappy stuff.

Why is it, that when you look in the mirror without any expectations or hopes - that the reflection is at its most beautiful?

I was at a local pub tonight - having drinks and dinner with some people from work, and I had small opportunities to 'people watch'. You get a bit of a sense when you walk into these places, when you stand at the bar, that you're at a meat market. Everyone is trying to find something, someone. A good looking guy walks in, he instantly eyes the crowd of young attractive women, and he keeps watching, almost willing one of them to look up, to make eye contact, to make his night? Life would be a whole lot easier, if we were animals without freewill and emotion. If we didn't become attached to people, it would all just be all about purpose, procreating.

Oh, I'm a lot tired, a little miserable and a bit over chasing 'rainbows'.

SB xx

keeping it brief

Relatively snot free day, after yesterdays interesting ascent on mount brick!

I went back to the gym today, for the first time in over two weeks. It sucks how easy it was to lose the little bit of fitness I had! With this, came the chance to once again see Benchpress me NOW Boy. Yep, he's still as benchpress-able as ever. Although, I'm sad to report I didn't have much of a visual encounter today - I was later than usual, and he was earlier than usual and hence, I missed my opportunity.

I am not much in the mood for revelations or ponderings - another time?

SB xx

Idiocy of Gigantic Proportions

I did the single dumbest thing today, that I think I've ever done. Making a normal right hand turn, I took it a little tight and mounted the mother of all curbs with an almighty BANG. The most embarrassing part of this, is that I got stuck midway on the 'thing', the car stalled and I thought I was stuck - all this for all the world to see! What. a. dick. head.

Even now, hours after the curb/island of brick incident, I'm not sure whether I want to laugh or cry. Horrified doesn't really begin to describe.

All I can say, is that it's one hell of a way for the universe to tell me to slow down. Ok, ok, I promise from now on, to smell the roses (car equivalent).

SB xx

P.S. Am slightly frightened of driving again. Also, have irrational fear that someone caught the incident on camera. Eeeek!

Weighty Wings

Lets set the scene.... I'm sitting here at my computer, a knitted nanna shawl draped over my broad shoulders. The shawl is suppressing my already weighed down wings, and I am listening to AIR's 'Moon Safari'... why am I listening to an album called 'Moon Safari' and why the fuck did I buy it? This shit makes me want to slit my wrists. Excuse me, while I change it...

That's better. Almost-all is right in the world again.

I could fly if I wanted to. So why is it I refuse to let myself? I sabotage my own state, for what? For fear? The same things that make me want to break out, also keep me caged in. All this theatrics just to say I'm overweight; I'm fat, FATTY FAT FAT.... fatty boom-ba, all of it and more. I cringe as I write this.

I always wanted to be the strong person, able to say 'fuck you' to anyone who dared judge me on the way I looked. I wanted to be the kind of woman, proud of whatever shape I was - determined to accept myself, and demanding of others acceptance. But I'm not like that. It doesn't matter which way you word it. In a room full of glamorous, plus sized women, I would no doubt feel empowered and strong... but in the real world - where the room is full of women who are all shapes and sizes, and who are less and less like me - I couldn't be further from strong. I can't hold a conversation, I'm too busy trying to hold my guts in; embellishing on their glances of judgement on me.

I don't want to be an idol; I don't want to be unrealistic and I don't believe in 'perfect' - but I just don't want to be like this. I want to look more like 'normal', 'average'. The entirety of my existence has a big fucking 'X-Large' tag on it. I hate it. I hate me.

So what am I going to do? I have to stop it, clearly. I can't wear this fat suit anymore. It is like my armour - but it's has become too heavy to bear, and rather than protecting me, it's starting to lock me in.

Step by step, I have to make changes. I know that I have set off on many-a-path, with the same intentions, many times before - but this time it has to be different.

I hate admitting on here what I am. I feel ashamed. Worst of all, as soon as I say I'm fat, that's it - I'm done for - fat is a deal breaker in the minds eye. No one wants a fatty for a friend.. except maybe another fatty.

Tomorrow the change begins. I begin it for me. Rather than being a sign of conformity (which I detest), I must think of it as a sign that says, I refuse to be defined by the way I look!

Wish me luck universe, I'm going to need it.

SB xx

What you must do

Let your freak flag fly high!

Consequently, when I was looking for an image, I typed 'freak flag' into the google image search field. Man, there is some seriously freakish shit out there!

I got nothing else.

SB xx

Diversions

I'm bored and simultaneously trying really hard to avoid any 'real' work. God, you should've seen the shit I was considering posting. I can't even explain it, 'cause it would just embarrass us all.

Not much going on the world of StrangeBird. A day off today gave me a chance to procrastinate some, and do a little powering up for my second half of the working week. I don't know what the war-zone is going to look like tomorrow, but I'm determined to do my best to keep the hell out of any shit that looks to be flying or hitting the fan.

I've hit a speed bump with the study recently, and it's making it difficult for me to summon the drive to push on and finish it. I just want it done.

My procedure has meant that I'm not allowed to go gyming until next week. It's driving me a little mad, and also making somewhat nervous and eager to see my darling Benchpress me NOW Boy. Now that the 'unnamed work colleague' is off my list, all my delusions and mislaid feelings must land squarely on the well defined shoulders of Benchpress me NOW Boy (oh, but what shoulders to land on!).

The thing with me is, at least I declare I am strange from the outset. I have no real misconceptions about being regular, embrace the inner freak I say.

SB xx

Be careful what you wish for...

I am an idiot. of. mammoth. proportions.

This is going to be a short post, because I don't need to roll around in the thoughts of this shitty mess for any longer.

Yes, John and SpottyApple have broken up. No, I don't know why. Yes, I am a dick for reverting to my old 'I love John' pattern. No, I can't be sure - but my Nonna senses tell me that boy is up to no good, and is already seeing someone on the sly. I could be wrong, and I hope that I am - but there is a sense I cannot shake.

That poor girl is so crushed. Had I imagined my wishful thinking could look like this, I would have never entertained those thoughts, and for so long. Getting involved is the last thing I want to do - but I hate seeing people in such agony. I don't even know how to handle a situation like this. Ride out the storm I guess and see where it take me.

03/08/10 - death of john boy crush

Be happy. Be grateful.

SB xx

Dangerous Mind Games

The air is thick and cold with menace at work, and it concerns dear John and his gal. Nothing has been said on the subject, but it's fairly obvious something is going on with them.

I would be lying if I said there isn't a part of me that is 'energised' by the notion that collaboration John/SpottyApple has expired. But the thing that'll probably see me going to hell are all the thoughts I've been having, since the idea crossed my mind. I know it's not right to wish someones relationship were over, it's not right or advisable to get involved in such matters with messy hearts but you know the struggle with my feelings for John has been long documented, and a source of much anguish.

Which is why it's OFF THE CHART how stupid I am being right now. Secretly wishing I am in view of a second chance with John; wondering if he's thinking about me. It's massively stupid, and moreover, it's dangerous.

The thing I have to slap into myself is that this is all imaginings and assumptions. For all I know John couldn't give a crap about me. Why, why am I being so stupid?

Sharpen up StrangeBird - this is not smart.

SB xx

Living in disturbia

If I could put into words and sound, the way I feel right now, the only way to describe it would be this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iPhGybu1T8o&feature=related

I'm screaming and sobbing on the inside, and I'm not totally sure why.

It is inevitable that my family will be moving from here, and I think it's going to happen sooner than I expected. They've been talking about it for so long, so many times, I kind of stopped listening and never really thought it would come to anything. I'm scared.

I don't really want to go to work tomorrow either. I know this 'crush' stuff is dead, but it doesn't mean it's not hard. I keep having dreams about it. Last night, in my dream, I overheard John telling someone that he was once in love with me, but that he got over it and that in fact now, I annoy him. Ouch, dream John is mean - but it's probably reality too.

I'm conscious that I seem to be walking around like half a person, I feel like there is something missing. Maybe it's the prospect of change, or I'm just thinking too much - but I can't shake the feeling that somethings not right. Strangely enough, I feel like someone is watching over me, or perhaps preparing me for something to come. Initially I thought this was weird but comforting, but now I feel a little scared. Just add it to the mother-sized pile of scared I already have I guess.

SB xx