I made a big boo-boo I think. One of my work colleagues was having their last day at work yesterday, and me being on holiday - I wasn't there. So, I said I might try to swing by and say bye, but I didn't. Truthfully, I did kind of get caught up in other things, and then there was that nagging voice telling me not to go - because it would bring my mind right back to work 3 days prematurely. I let that train of thought take me for a ride, because I didn't want to go; I didn't want to be reminded of the messy and difficult relationships that reside there, and the general complete shitness of my existence. I know it was a cop out. I just wasn't brave enough. I am shallow and vain and feel behind the ball and didn't want to put that on display to the people who could and would use that against me.
I don't want this to be the end of my break. So many endings all the time, where are the starts, where are the great starts?
I did have a challenge today. Another paying photo shoot. Boy, did I work for my money. The light and setting wasn't great, so I'm a little nervous that the results might be less than great; but I managed as best I could, and I think at this point, that is ok.
So, tonight is another lonely Saturday night. Yeah, Mr Right is probably not going to fall through my roof, but I'm just tired of being fake, tired of being around fake people. Not that I had an invite anyway, but?
For tonight it's just me and the shadow of my thoughts.
SB xx
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Friday, July 30, 2010
Origins & Endings
I'm back in the land of blogging after a tiny hiatus; and how exciting that this should be my 100th blog!! It might not be much, but I believe you have to celebrate the small things.
So, in a nutshell, I was away for a couple of days. I had a minor procedure done (no, nothing involving botox, plastic, a vacuum for fat, or tattoo needles - sadly) and now I have to wear an awful shitty compression stocking on my leg for weeks, and weeks and I fucking hate it already!
I had a disturbing dream while I was away, and it was about this very blog. I dreamt that my blog made it onto the news, and my identity was revealed to my sister! I totally freaked; firstly I was excited that my workings had reached the outside world, but knowing that my sister had linked me to this other 'version' of me was scary, and knowing that news would quickly spread of my identity scared the crap out of me. In my dream, I started to think that I would have to leave work, I'd have to remove some postings before my sister or family saw them! Oh the drama - my heart is palpitating again at the very thought!
So, record number 100. I said on my first entry that I might explain where the blog title came from, and I think this occasion is fitting for such a story. With the most sincerity I can muster, I hope that I haven't already explained this (and if I have, I truly can't remember - and that's frightening!)
One evening, some years ago, when I was young and naive I was watching TV with my Dad. A TV ad came on, advertising an upcoming 'B' grade' movie that would be screening - this movie was called "Heart Full of Rain". My Dad said something like "What a shit movie title! What is that supposed to mean? It makes about as much sense as a shoe full of snot!". His rant caught my attention, gave me a giggle and stirred my creative juices - I declared at that moment that if I were to ever write a book someday, I would call it "Shoe Full of Snot" in remembrance of that moment, my Father and a general ode to ridiculous-ness. When I was young, I had dreams about being creative and special and generally amazing; now at 27 the dreams are still there, but somewhat dampened and wrinkled. This blog is the closest I have come (yet!) to writing a book, which is why, if this is the only part of me that enters the world, it had to be called "Shoe Full of Snot". And if this the only part of me that gets recorded in space, time and lettering, then that is ok with me.
SB xx
So, in a nutshell, I was away for a couple of days. I had a minor procedure done (no, nothing involving botox, plastic, a vacuum for fat, or tattoo needles - sadly) and now I have to wear an awful shitty compression stocking on my leg for weeks, and weeks and I fucking hate it already!
I had a disturbing dream while I was away, and it was about this very blog. I dreamt that my blog made it onto the news, and my identity was revealed to my sister! I totally freaked; firstly I was excited that my workings had reached the outside world, but knowing that my sister had linked me to this other 'version' of me was scary, and knowing that news would quickly spread of my identity scared the crap out of me. In my dream, I started to think that I would have to leave work, I'd have to remove some postings before my sister or family saw them! Oh the drama - my heart is palpitating again at the very thought!
So, record number 100. I said on my first entry that I might explain where the blog title came from, and I think this occasion is fitting for such a story. With the most sincerity I can muster, I hope that I haven't already explained this (and if I have, I truly can't remember - and that's frightening!)
One evening, some years ago, when I was young and naive I was watching TV with my Dad. A TV ad came on, advertising an upcoming 'B' grade' movie that would be screening - this movie was called "Heart Full of Rain". My Dad said something like "What a shit movie title! What is that supposed to mean? It makes about as much sense as a shoe full of snot!". His rant caught my attention, gave me a giggle and stirred my creative juices - I declared at that moment that if I were to ever write a book someday, I would call it "Shoe Full of Snot" in remembrance of that moment, my Father and a general ode to ridiculous-ness. When I was young, I had dreams about being creative and special and generally amazing; now at 27 the dreams are still there, but somewhat dampened and wrinkled. This blog is the closest I have come (yet!) to writing a book, which is why, if this is the only part of me that enters the world, it had to be called "Shoe Full of Snot". And if this the only part of me that gets recorded in space, time and lettering, then that is ok with me.
SB xx
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Danny is still the champion
During my primary school years, there was one book I would always go back to. When I was having a difficult time, feeling unsettled or scared, I would turn to Roald Dahls "Danny the Champion of the World". I remember it vividly - it was a hard cover, beautifully illustrated, with thick yellowing pages on the inside. It even had the old-style clear plastic cover on the outside. Oh and the scent, it just told you it was a story worth reading. I wouldn't even like to hazard a guess at how many times I borrowed that book from my school library. Truth be told, I half expected it to be given to me as a gift, seeing as I had possession of it so often. I really wish now, that I had the sense to steal it when I had the chance.
There was something safe about diving into Danny's world. Danny didn't have a perfect life, but still he was able to overcome bad things and bad people. I guess there is a safety that comes from reading a story where you know it works out in the end. Despite the amount of times I read it, I never got sick of it, and still even to this day I wouldn't hesitate to pick it up again. It saddens me however that my modern paperback cover doesn't hold the magic of 'my' original.
I don't know why this came to my mind recently. I suppose it's because I'm feeling a little unsettled again. All this talk of moving from my home, the upheaval and outpouring of emotion and tears that my mother just can't seem to stop. My own feelings of loneliness, fear. I might just have to pick up Danny again soon.
I'm heading to the city for a few days tomorrow, and even though there won't be much time for old book hunting I will be keeping an eye out for my very special Danny.
SB xx
There was something safe about diving into Danny's world. Danny didn't have a perfect life, but still he was able to overcome bad things and bad people. I guess there is a safety that comes from reading a story where you know it works out in the end. Despite the amount of times I read it, I never got sick of it, and still even to this day I wouldn't hesitate to pick it up again. It saddens me however that my modern paperback cover doesn't hold the magic of 'my' original.
I don't know why this came to my mind recently. I suppose it's because I'm feeling a little unsettled again. All this talk of moving from my home, the upheaval and outpouring of emotion and tears that my mother just can't seem to stop. My own feelings of loneliness, fear. I might just have to pick up Danny again soon.
I'm heading to the city for a few days tomorrow, and even though there won't be much time for old book hunting I will be keeping an eye out for my very special Danny.
SB xx
Saturday, July 24, 2010
shoe full of snot, heart full of wine
Today's song is from Angus and Julia Stone: 'Heart Full of Wine'
Saw the washing on the line
As I lay on the floor
With a heart full of wine
With nothing left to pour
To pour
Silver moon feeling high
Through the window beneath the door
Her eyes are so kind
With nothing left to pour
You stepped into these days...
And you went your way...
Not feeling overly happy today. It's another Saturday night that I'm spending doing nothing, although I'm not sure if that's what bothers me, or if it's just the thought that it should bother me that bothers me? No, what troubles me at the moment, I think, is that I'm lonely. Someone planted a seed, about me being single and needing a man, and I suddenly feel very open and exposed...and lonely. And I must admit, I'm jealous of the people out there that have someone to call theirs. I don't think I'm a bad person, I just don't know why I'm alone? I can't think about this anymore, otherwise I think I'm going to cry and I just don't want to cry right now.
So, not only are my shoes full of snot, but my heart is indeed heavy with wine (whatever that means... I guess it makes about as much sense as having snot filled shoes).
I got nothing but self pity and sadness tonight folks and that's not going to make for interesting reading, so I'm going to leave it there.
SB xx
I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
Saw the washing on the line
As I lay on the floor
With a heart full of wine
With nothing left to pour
To pour
Silver moon feeling high
Through the window beneath the door
Her eyes are so kind
With nothing left to pour
You stepped into these days...
And you went your way...
Not feeling overly happy today. It's another Saturday night that I'm spending doing nothing, although I'm not sure if that's what bothers me, or if it's just the thought that it should bother me that bothers me? No, what troubles me at the moment, I think, is that I'm lonely. Someone planted a seed, about me being single and needing a man, and I suddenly feel very open and exposed...and lonely. And I must admit, I'm jealous of the people out there that have someone to call theirs. I don't think I'm a bad person, I just don't know why I'm alone? I can't think about this anymore, otherwise I think I'm going to cry and I just don't want to cry right now.
So, not only are my shoes full of snot, but my heart is indeed heavy with wine (whatever that means... I guess it makes about as much sense as having snot filled shoes).
I got nothing but self pity and sadness tonight folks and that's not going to make for interesting reading, so I'm going to leave it there.
SB xx
I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Stumped
There's a certain amount of pressure that comes with giving a title to a daily post. I always have the best intentions - make it clever, make it meaningful, make it mysterious, make it real. Arrghh... I do my head in before I even get anything down!
I decided to revamp thy old post, on account of me making it to within reach of 100 posts! YAY me! I'm so proud of myself for sticking to it, for putting a little piece of myself out there. Even if it's still behind the small mask that is StrangeBird, it's still probably the most honest portion of me in existence.
Today, work was fairly non eventful. Although, there were a few meltdowns over the course of the day - I'm just thankful it wasn't me this time! I had to help out with a dementia lady today, and she was hard work. When I see people like that, I feel so sad for them, to be locked inside themselves like that - I wonder to myself if they feel the frustration of not being the person they used to be? This lady today still had a bit of spunk, and it made me hope that when I get old and grey someday, that I have the sense to mess with people the best I can. I don't mean in a bad sense, it's just if I'm old and demented, and some young ignoramus is trying to get me to stand up, sit down, stand up, I hope I have enough wits about me fuck around with them a bit. I figure, you may as well go down having a little fun.
SB xx
I decided to revamp thy old post, on account of me making it to within reach of 100 posts! YAY me! I'm so proud of myself for sticking to it, for putting a little piece of myself out there. Even if it's still behind the small mask that is StrangeBird, it's still probably the most honest portion of me in existence.
Today, work was fairly non eventful. Although, there were a few meltdowns over the course of the day - I'm just thankful it wasn't me this time! I had to help out with a dementia lady today, and she was hard work. When I see people like that, I feel so sad for them, to be locked inside themselves like that - I wonder to myself if they feel the frustration of not being the person they used to be? This lady today still had a bit of spunk, and it made me hope that when I get old and grey someday, that I have the sense to mess with people the best I can. I don't mean in a bad sense, it's just if I'm old and demented, and some young ignoramus is trying to get me to stand up, sit down, stand up, I hope I have enough wits about me fuck around with them a bit. I figure, you may as well go down having a little fun.
SB xx
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
A beggar and a sinner
I just arrived home, after going out to dinner with a bunch of work people. I know that most of what I say would indicate that I don't really like the people I work with, and on most days this is at least half true - but beggars can't be choosers; and for social interaction, I am well and truly a beggar. I do not know how to make friends anymore. Somewhere during high school, I think I left my friend making ability behind in an old locker. It was easy when I was 7, not so much now I'm 27. It used to be as simple as "hey, I like you, would you like to sit together at lunchtime?"... sadly, this kind of behaviour doesn't really fly in the adult world, and usually gets you shunned, committed, or both.
Over the weekend, I decided I would have a bit of a clean out - I started with my 'jewellery drawer'. The aim was really just to compile and condense the growing number of boxes I had lying around, and also to remind myself of the items I actually possess. It took me a good 90 minutes to sort it all out, and it made me realise just how much shit I have. It also made me feel incredibly ashamed, because I thought that surely, anyone who has this much jewellery must be selfish and greedy. There is truth to that. I think like with the crazy amount of clothes I have been buying in the last 12 months, and the food I consume, jewellery is yet another excess in my life that I want, want, want. Like food, I get a sense of control from buying the things I want, and like the clothes I buy, having 'just' that particular piece of jewellery will make me complete, it will make me fit. That night, I prayed to whoever wanted to listen, and asked for forgiveness for being this way. I think tonight I might be doing the same thing.
SB xx
Over the weekend, I decided I would have a bit of a clean out - I started with my 'jewellery drawer'. The aim was really just to compile and condense the growing number of boxes I had lying around, and also to remind myself of the items I actually possess. It took me a good 90 minutes to sort it all out, and it made me realise just how much shit I have. It also made me feel incredibly ashamed, because I thought that surely, anyone who has this much jewellery must be selfish and greedy. There is truth to that. I think like with the crazy amount of clothes I have been buying in the last 12 months, and the food I consume, jewellery is yet another excess in my life that I want, want, want. Like food, I get a sense of control from buying the things I want, and like the clothes I buy, having 'just' that particular piece of jewellery will make me complete, it will make me fit. That night, I prayed to whoever wanted to listen, and asked for forgiveness for being this way. I think tonight I might be doing the same thing.
SB xx
Monday, July 19, 2010
Insignificant
I really have nothing to say. Today was a fairly uneventful, normal day, where things went by as they normally do - kind of close to 'shitness' and bordering on 'annoying'.
My boss is on unending sick leave. Yeah - she was quite sick last week, but I have never known anyone to be so piss-weak. I know that she deserves some sympathy for her pain, but I am quickly running out. And I might be able to forgive her easily, if she were effective when she was at work, but I can't even say that she is. Truth be told, she creates headaches for me when she's there, and still when she's not. I am so sick of cleaning up everyone elses shit. I have a week off coming up - and I now wish I had taken two! But I am really looking forward to the break.
My workplace is a bit of a snake pit. I feel like I can't trust anyone. Is it not possible to be a comfortable in between, instead of the extremes of 'dog-eat-dog' and 'oblivious'?? There must be a happy medium?
So, with the boss off - it's just me and 'the lovers'. FAN-fucking-TASTIC!
Happy Monday!
SB xx
My boss is on unending sick leave. Yeah - she was quite sick last week, but I have never known anyone to be so piss-weak. I know that she deserves some sympathy for her pain, but I am quickly running out. And I might be able to forgive her easily, if she were effective when she was at work, but I can't even say that she is. Truth be told, she creates headaches for me when she's there, and still when she's not. I am so sick of cleaning up everyone elses shit. I have a week off coming up - and I now wish I had taken two! But I am really looking forward to the break.
My workplace is a bit of a snake pit. I feel like I can't trust anyone. Is it not possible to be a comfortable in between, instead of the extremes of 'dog-eat-dog' and 'oblivious'?? There must be a happy medium?
So, with the boss off - it's just me and 'the lovers'. FAN-fucking-TASTIC!
Happy Monday!
SB xx
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Because of the times...
My father has been watching too much MasterChef. Tonight, I caught him playing with imaginary air food, trying to plan out how he was going to "plate up" his dinner. Then, he started to rationalise, in a dinner-table conversation with my mother, the balancing of the flavours he used. Dear God.
Not too sure what to write about tonight. Still feeling like I'm a round peg trying to fit into the square hole that is my reality. I feel removed from the people at work. I don't think I'm much accepted, and I feel like anytime I'm invited to anything, I am just tagging along as a sympathy invite. I went out last night to a local game night thing - it was awkward at the table, at first, but ended up ok. I just don't know how to talk to people my own age. I'm completely out of touch, and if I'm not talking about work, I got nothing. Although, funnily enough, MasterChef has provided me with some conversation action lately - so I guess I shouldn't bag it so much; even if it has turned my Dad into a wannabe food critic?
There's been some talk within the family (not 'The Family' with the Mob connotations) about moving to the city. We've had moments like these before, that have come and eventually passed. They usually freak me out - because I don't really see myself in the city. And even though I am 27years old, I can't imagine not being in the same place as my immediate family. This goes especially since my nephew came along. I love him more than anything else, and even though he's too young to rationally converse with, I feel like I need to be near him. I need to protect him, I need to know that he grows happily, balanced. I want to see the person he becomes. There would be a lot of downfalls and learning curves to moving away, but there are also a few pluses - like I'd be able to study. Not to say this all doesn't freak me out. Leaving the only place and home I've ever known scares me - but when I think about it, there's nothing really tying me here is there?
Decisions, decisions...
SB xx
Not too sure what to write about tonight. Still feeling like I'm a round peg trying to fit into the square hole that is my reality. I feel removed from the people at work. I don't think I'm much accepted, and I feel like anytime I'm invited to anything, I am just tagging along as a sympathy invite. I went out last night to a local game night thing - it was awkward at the table, at first, but ended up ok. I just don't know how to talk to people my own age. I'm completely out of touch, and if I'm not talking about work, I got nothing. Although, funnily enough, MasterChef has provided me with some conversation action lately - so I guess I shouldn't bag it so much; even if it has turned my Dad into a wannabe food critic?
There's been some talk within the family (not 'The Family' with the Mob connotations) about moving to the city. We've had moments like these before, that have come and eventually passed. They usually freak me out - because I don't really see myself in the city. And even though I am 27years old, I can't imagine not being in the same place as my immediate family. This goes especially since my nephew came along. I love him more than anything else, and even though he's too young to rationally converse with, I feel like I need to be near him. I need to protect him, I need to know that he grows happily, balanced. I want to see the person he becomes. There would be a lot of downfalls and learning curves to moving away, but there are also a few pluses - like I'd be able to study. Not to say this all doesn't freak me out. Leaving the only place and home I've ever known scares me - but when I think about it, there's nothing really tying me here is there?
Decisions, decisions...
SB xx
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Spinning Wheels
I'm that car spinning its wheels on loose gravel, making noise, making a mess, getting nowhere.
I have that overwhelming feeling again that things aren't right. I went back to work today after my short break, and realised that aside from a couple of quality people, I didn't miss anything about it at all. It's still the big shitty mess that it's always been.
It's funny, but not in the comedic sense, how moments can stay with you so vividly. While I was away, something reminded me of that dark day when I saw John and SpottyApple secretly meeting. It winded me like I'd just fallen a great height into a body of water - face first. I can remember what I was wearing, what they were wearing, the way the sun felt on my skin, the sounds that broke the silence in my head. And worst of all, I can't listen to anything by La Roux, without being taken right back to that moment. Why is it, that it's the terrible moments that leave the scars? Why can't we remember the spectacularly awesome moments? Or maybe 'we' do, but I just don't have any to speak of, and that's why I don't have any to recall. I hate being reminded of that moment, and every time I hear them giggling together, or I hear what their plans are for the weekend - I'm taken right back there, and it's like the bubble bursts all over again.
I know, I know, I said I was over him; and I am, mostly. It doesn't really make all this stuff go away though. I accept reality the way it is, I just don't really like it.
Where once I was the car with the spinning wheels, I am now the car that's just flown off the bridge and plunged into a treacherous river - my interior is filling with water, all my doors are jammed and I can't do anything to stop it. I keep digging myself deeper and deeper into debt, with my credit card - I've lost control, just like the car.
I'm scared that I don't have the strength of will to make good things happen for myself. That I can't restrain myself for the greater good - with food, with money, with my loyalty and love.
SB xx
I have that overwhelming feeling again that things aren't right. I went back to work today after my short break, and realised that aside from a couple of quality people, I didn't miss anything about it at all. It's still the big shitty mess that it's always been.
It's funny, but not in the comedic sense, how moments can stay with you so vividly. While I was away, something reminded me of that dark day when I saw John and SpottyApple secretly meeting. It winded me like I'd just fallen a great height into a body of water - face first. I can remember what I was wearing, what they were wearing, the way the sun felt on my skin, the sounds that broke the silence in my head. And worst of all, I can't listen to anything by La Roux, without being taken right back to that moment. Why is it, that it's the terrible moments that leave the scars? Why can't we remember the spectacularly awesome moments? Or maybe 'we' do, but I just don't have any to speak of, and that's why I don't have any to recall. I hate being reminded of that moment, and every time I hear them giggling together, or I hear what their plans are for the weekend - I'm taken right back there, and it's like the bubble bursts all over again.
I know, I know, I said I was over him; and I am, mostly. It doesn't really make all this stuff go away though. I accept reality the way it is, I just don't really like it.
Where once I was the car with the spinning wheels, I am now the car that's just flown off the bridge and plunged into a treacherous river - my interior is filling with water, all my doors are jammed and I can't do anything to stop it. I keep digging myself deeper and deeper into debt, with my credit card - I've lost control, just like the car.
I'm scared that I don't have the strength of will to make good things happen for myself. That I can't restrain myself for the greater good - with food, with money, with my loyalty and love.
SB xx
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Home bound
I arrived home yesterday. I didn't really want to stop driving. It wasn't the driving itself that I enjoyed, but the time with myself, by myself, listening to my music, singing to my music, feeling for one of the few times in my life that I was truly free.
My car-karaoke, golden moment belonged to U2's 'Love Rescue Me'. What an amazing song.
Love rescue me
Come forth and speak to me
Raise me up and don't let me fall
No man is my enemy
My own hands imprison me
Love rescue me
Many strangers have I met
On the road to my regret
May lost who seek to find themselves in me
They ask me to reveal
The very thoughts they would conceal
Love rescue me...
In the cold mirror of a glass
I see my reflection pass
I see the dark shades of what I used to be
I see the purple of her eyes
The scarlet of my lies
Love rescue me
I'm really not looking forward to work tomorrow. I know it makes it a short week - but I just don't think I'm ready to go back to the fight again. I can feel the butterflies in my stomach already making an appearance. Somebody, rescue me.
SB xx
My car-karaoke, golden moment belonged to U2's 'Love Rescue Me'. What an amazing song.
Love rescue me
Come forth and speak to me
Raise me up and don't let me fall
No man is my enemy
My own hands imprison me
Love rescue me
Many strangers have I met
On the road to my regret
May lost who seek to find themselves in me
They ask me to reveal
The very thoughts they would conceal
Love rescue me...
In the cold mirror of a glass
I see my reflection pass
I see the dark shades of what I used to be
I see the purple of her eyes
The scarlet of my lies
Love rescue me
I'm really not looking forward to work tomorrow. I know it makes it a short week - but I just don't think I'm ready to go back to the fight again. I can feel the butterflies in my stomach already making an appearance. Somebody, rescue me.
SB xx
Monday, July 12, 2010
At the edge of the world
I took a drive along the scenic coast road - and it's lovely. I can't say much for the Esperance people, but they do their beaches very well.
It felt empowering - just me and the undulating road, travelling along the edge of this great state... the edge of my world.
I like watching the ocean. It makes me feel insignificant, but in the good way. I am reminded that I am a small part of the universe, and that there are much more powerful forces at work, shaping the world, my world.
If I've been to the edge of the world, I've also been into the heart of it. The town jetty leads out into the ocean. The further you go, the darker and colder it gets.
I have decided that the jetty is a metaphor for life. I did have something completely awesome to back that up - but it seems to have escaped me at this moment. Trust me, it was gold.
SB xx
It felt empowering - just me and the undulating road, travelling along the edge of this great state... the edge of my world.
I like watching the ocean. It makes me feel insignificant, but in the good way. I am reminded that I am a small part of the universe, and that there are much more powerful forces at work, shaping the world, my world.
If I've been to the edge of the world, I've also been into the heart of it. The town jetty leads out into the ocean. The further you go, the darker and colder it gets.
I have decided that the jetty is a metaphor for life. I did have something completely awesome to back that up - but it seems to have escaped me at this moment. Trust me, it was gold.
SB xx
Vibrating rooms and other tales from the road...
So, I'm on my seaside break 400-odd kilometres away from home, and yes, they are actually odd.
I'm in the sleepy, lead affected town of Esperance - home of Sammy the Seal and crazy-expensive 'boutique' shops.
After I arrived yesterday, I went on a bit of a stroll to stretch the legs. As I strolled I might've been forgiven for thinking I had sprouted a third leg and turned an unsightly shade of green, as for the duration of my walk, I got looks from everyone; every car, every adult and adolescent - not excluding the canine variety. I'm not sure why everywhere I go in this town, it inspires such passionate spying for the town folk - but, I gotta say, Esperance, I'm not loving it. It's giving me a complex.
Oh yeah, perhaps it could have something to do with my flaming red hair that I had dyed two days ago. Damn it. Damn hairdressers and their winter colours! I'm not sure this colour is going to give me the results I was hoping for. Eeek!
As I was driving down, I came across "Truslove Road" and I wanted to go down there - just to see what was at the end. Alas, I did not. I figured truelove without the 'e', can't be all that true?!
Oh, did I mention my fucking hotel room is vibrating! It wasn't vibrating yesterday when I arrived, but today some little men in big machines are working in the giant sandpit that is my neighbour, and it is actually making the appliances (and my spine) rattle. I'm not sure these sounds and sensations are conducive to relaxation.
I've only thought about work a couple of times and only long enough to be glad I'm not there right now. I hate that it has become another portion of my life that I want to close off from.
SB xx
I'm in the sleepy, lead affected town of Esperance - home of Sammy the Seal and crazy-expensive 'boutique' shops.
After I arrived yesterday, I went on a bit of a stroll to stretch the legs. As I strolled I might've been forgiven for thinking I had sprouted a third leg and turned an unsightly shade of green, as for the duration of my walk, I got looks from everyone; every car, every adult and adolescent - not excluding the canine variety. I'm not sure why everywhere I go in this town, it inspires such passionate spying for the town folk - but, I gotta say, Esperance, I'm not loving it. It's giving me a complex.
Oh yeah, perhaps it could have something to do with my flaming red hair that I had dyed two days ago. Damn it. Damn hairdressers and their winter colours! I'm not sure this colour is going to give me the results I was hoping for. Eeek!
As I was driving down, I came across "Truslove Road" and I wanted to go down there - just to see what was at the end. Alas, I did not. I figured truelove without the 'e', can't be all that true?!
Oh, did I mention my fucking hotel room is vibrating! It wasn't vibrating yesterday when I arrived, but today some little men in big machines are working in the giant sandpit that is my neighbour, and it is actually making the appliances (and my spine) rattle. I'm not sure these sounds and sensations are conducive to relaxation.
I've only thought about work a couple of times and only long enough to be glad I'm not there right now. I hate that it has become another portion of my life that I want to close off from.
SB xx
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
These are the days
Oh, I want so badly to have something interesting to write about tonight... but I don't. Such is my existence.
What's been going on in the world of StrangeBird I hear you ask? Not a lot, really. I've been spending a bit of money... naughty... naughty me. I don't know what it is. No, I lie, I do. It makes me feel better. When I can get what I want, even if I have to pay for it - I don't care. Could the same work with a man?? Hmm.. probably yes, but it'd likely be short-lived, a little awkward, and possibly a lot illegal.
A friend, I guess you'd call her a friend, a good friend even (?) is leaving town for good in two days time. I'm not sure how I feel about it. She's kind of been one of those friends, that I think maybe I gave more than I got? So, part of the emotion I feel is probably relief. But I'm also going to miss her and her family - they gave me another dimension. Plus, she was a workmate too, and losing her permanently at work is just another reminder that I fit in even less now. There are less people on my 'team'.
I'm looking forward to my trip away - but I don't think the weather is going to be too grand. It doesn't matter to me. For me to say I was away from this place, is good enough for me. It's funny actually, something must've urged me to take this leave now - because wouldn't you know it, it'll be SpottedApple's birthday while I am away from work. Part of me regrets the days off, just because I'm curious how a birthday with the boyfriend at work is going to look - but then, the logical, self preserving part of me, recognises this is a lucky coincidence, and that the universe is looking out for me that day. I don't want to be bitter, I don't even want him (John) anymore - as far as I can tell he's ruined; he has changed for the worse. I'm over the drama. OVER IT.
Vote #1 Team StrangeBird!
SB xx
What's been going on in the world of StrangeBird I hear you ask? Not a lot, really. I've been spending a bit of money... naughty... naughty me. I don't know what it is. No, I lie, I do. It makes me feel better. When I can get what I want, even if I have to pay for it - I don't care. Could the same work with a man?? Hmm.. probably yes, but it'd likely be short-lived, a little awkward, and possibly a lot illegal.
A friend, I guess you'd call her a friend, a good friend even (?) is leaving town for good in two days time. I'm not sure how I feel about it. She's kind of been one of those friends, that I think maybe I gave more than I got? So, part of the emotion I feel is probably relief. But I'm also going to miss her and her family - they gave me another dimension. Plus, she was a workmate too, and losing her permanently at work is just another reminder that I fit in even less now. There are less people on my 'team'.
I'm looking forward to my trip away - but I don't think the weather is going to be too grand. It doesn't matter to me. For me to say I was away from this place, is good enough for me. It's funny actually, something must've urged me to take this leave now - because wouldn't you know it, it'll be SpottedApple's birthday while I am away from work. Part of me regrets the days off, just because I'm curious how a birthday with the boyfriend at work is going to look - but then, the logical, self preserving part of me, recognises this is a lucky coincidence, and that the universe is looking out for me that day. I don't want to be bitter, I don't even want him (John) anymore - as far as I can tell he's ruined; he has changed for the worse. I'm over the drama. OVER IT.
Vote #1 Team StrangeBird!
SB xx
Monday, July 5, 2010
Fembots have feeling too...
I had a bit of a meltdown this afternoon. I was ready to leave work around 10 minutes before I actually ended up walking out. Boy, do I wish I had a rewind button to change it all. I am getting so fed up - I'm so frustrated - I'm sick of the people, I'm sick of their bad tempers, and their inability to generally get their arses into gear and it's making me fucking MAD! And not mad in a good way, because of course my madness does not coincide with their madness - so obviously when I'm having a mad moment, it's all anyone remembers! FUCK FUCK FUCK.
I can't win. There is no winning. I find myself at that terrible point where I'm not able to overcome my frustrations; where instead they spill out of my ill-equipped mouth, and I'm just left looking like a knob.
And SpottedApple, what a bitch. She had a snide dig at me this afternoon; and while if we were better friends, I might take it as playful... I think she was just trying to be a bitch and show me up with her one-liner. Damn it StrangeBird - don't give those people opportunities to show you up!! Whoa - see I am going mad - I just reverted to referring to myself in the third (or is it second - I never know) person. Uh oh.
Bring on next week. Bring on my road trip. Bring on the beach and time away from this place.
Stranger than usual,
SB xx
I can't win. There is no winning. I find myself at that terrible point where I'm not able to overcome my frustrations; where instead they spill out of my ill-equipped mouth, and I'm just left looking like a knob.
And SpottedApple, what a bitch. She had a snide dig at me this afternoon; and while if we were better friends, I might take it as playful... I think she was just trying to be a bitch and show me up with her one-liner. Damn it StrangeBird - don't give those people opportunities to show you up!! Whoa - see I am going mad - I just reverted to referring to myself in the third (or is it second - I never know) person. Uh oh.
Bring on next week. Bring on my road trip. Bring on the beach and time away from this place.
Stranger than usual,
SB xx
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Old Wonders
Nothing genius tonight, just a hello and a song called 'What Part of Forever' by Cee-Lo Green. I've had this song for a long time, but never took the time to listen to it properly. I guess this is proof, that when you dismiss something quickly, you risk losing out on something amazing.
Run run run away so lost lost never comin
Home rollin rollin down a track
No no I'm never comin back
Love pumpin' in my veins
Our love I hope it's not too late
That's the road that's the load that's the role
I've been down I've been down I've been down down
What part of forever
Don't you understand
I could stay stay stay, if that's what you want want want
I'd give it to you you you
If I had a heart heart heart
And we could go go go
And never look back on now
I'd give it to you you you
If I had a heart heart heart
I'm going to go make my roadtrip playlist - and it starts with this song!
SB xx
Run run run away so lost lost never comin
Home rollin rollin down a track
No no I'm never comin back
Love pumpin' in my veins
Our love I hope it's not too late
That's the road that's the load that's the role
I've been down I've been down I've been down down
What part of forever
Don't you understand
I could stay stay stay, if that's what you want want want
I'd give it to you you you
If I had a heart heart heart
And we could go go go
And never look back on now
I'd give it to you you you
If I had a heart heart heart
I'm going to go make my roadtrip playlist - and it starts with this song!
SB xx
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Exit, stage left
I am feeling desperately deflated this evening. The reality (or is it the imagined reality - I can't tell anymore) of my existence has me so... defeated?
I have a problem of major proportions, because I want to love my life so so much, but all I feel like exclaiming right now, is that 'I fucking hate my life'. What is wrong with me??
Honestly, I had a crappy day at work, and it doesn't help that my little doom radio kicks in and decides to broadcast the 'yes StrangeBird, the world IS against you' channel. I'm tired of the world and it's people. Ironically, I am tired of people who complain to me about there problems.... but-ahh, this here blog is mostly an exercise in me being a bit soft, isn't it? I guess my small redemption is that I don't subject people to my rant - very often that is.
I want to tell most of the people around me to get fucked... do you suppose it's time I had a break??
Speaking of breaks, I've organised a couple of days off from work, so that I can take a solo road trip to the coast. My family think I'm nuts. I go through phases where I think it's nuts too. However, the prospect of hitting the open road, seeing the ocean and being alone with myself and the sea, on the whole, excites me more than it frightens me. So, to me, that's a huge sign to say DO IT!
Found myself in a funny situation today. I could be completely creating this in my mind - but I think John is avoiding me. He seemed to have taken every opportunity today to not be near me. Which, on the whole is fine - I'm really at the point where I don't want to deal with him either - but I know my reasons... I just don't understand his. It makes me feel insecure and bad. Circumstances of the afternoon saw that myself, SpottyApple and John all had to work together on a crisis of sorts. At one point, he had to sit back and watch me and his girlfriend work together; I wonder how it felt? If it felt like anything? Then, I was dismissed - like a tiresome servant whose very presence was annoying. That's the way it felt to me. I. Just. Don't. Care. Any. More.
Whoever said that there is a fine line between love and hate was right. I think I hate John.
SB xx
I have a problem of major proportions, because I want to love my life so so much, but all I feel like exclaiming right now, is that 'I fucking hate my life'. What is wrong with me??
Honestly, I had a crappy day at work, and it doesn't help that my little doom radio kicks in and decides to broadcast the 'yes StrangeBird, the world IS against you' channel. I'm tired of the world and it's people. Ironically, I am tired of people who complain to me about there problems.... but-ahh, this here blog is mostly an exercise in me being a bit soft, isn't it? I guess my small redemption is that I don't subject people to my rant - very often that is.
I want to tell most of the people around me to get fucked... do you suppose it's time I had a break??
Speaking of breaks, I've organised a couple of days off from work, so that I can take a solo road trip to the coast. My family think I'm nuts. I go through phases where I think it's nuts too. However, the prospect of hitting the open road, seeing the ocean and being alone with myself and the sea, on the whole, excites me more than it frightens me. So, to me, that's a huge sign to say DO IT!
Found myself in a funny situation today. I could be completely creating this in my mind - but I think John is avoiding me. He seemed to have taken every opportunity today to not be near me. Which, on the whole is fine - I'm really at the point where I don't want to deal with him either - but I know my reasons... I just don't understand his. It makes me feel insecure and bad. Circumstances of the afternoon saw that myself, SpottyApple and John all had to work together on a crisis of sorts. At one point, he had to sit back and watch me and his girlfriend work together; I wonder how it felt? If it felt like anything? Then, I was dismissed - like a tiresome servant whose very presence was annoying. That's the way it felt to me. I. Just. Don't. Care. Any. More.
Whoever said that there is a fine line between love and hate was right. I think I hate John.
SB xx
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