those be fightin' words

I had a rough start to my Monday - had somewhat of a large run-in with the boss lady bitch 15 minutes into arriving. And Good Monday Morning to you too! My recent pay got stuffed up and I've been trying to sort it out. Boy, did I get more than I bargained for.

I'm not going to go into specifics, because, they are, well, boring and insignificant. But the way that stupid woman spoke to me; it was one of the few occasions I've left a room feeling very small and stupid. What kind of a manager wants to leave that impression on her staff? With the benefit of hindsight, I realise aside from the anger, I actually feel kind of sorry for the woman - to be so arrogant, to be so distrustful and aggressive for no reason... it's a sad life.

So, I broke down into tears several times today - because people kept asking me if I was "ok" with that fucking look and tone! Such a dangerous, dangerous question. So, I feel like a bit of a dick for getting so worked up and letting her get to me. And of course, every person at work today would just happen to arrive and catch me at my weakest, red eyed and weary. Fuck it. Wouldn't you know it that the person I kinda really wanted to see me upset, didn't; or removed himself. Smart move. He didn't talk to me at all today. Should I read anything into it? Probably not. Am I going to? Probably.

Anyway - I'm determined not to cry tomorrow (unless truly called for). I'm going to arm myself with everything I can and hope that that's enough (at least until I make it to the safety of the staff toilet... or my car).

Don't let the man (or woman) get you down.

SB xx

Crossing blurry lines

It's been an interesting few days in camp strangebird. It has comprised of all the usual highs and lows you've come to expect from me, with some added twists. I'm still in a strangely altered state, and my thoughts haven't really settled one way or the other... or again, I could just be really tired...

Thursday, was a rough day from the get go and it ended with me crying a small river of tears into my pillow at nights end.

Friday, I pushed myself into work drinks - the usual crowd, no scary extras, so that was ok. I made an appearance for the sake of it. Because, if I know anything, it's that if you keep saying no to peoples invitations, sooner rather than later, they'll stop asking. Which is why I said yes to...

Saturday night - out to a local event with work people, including the other half of (lets-face-it, not-really-)ex-work crush boy, who from this point on shall be named 'SpottyApple' (I know...). Anyway - I'm actually getting along with SpottyApple pretty well - I mean, I don't think we'll ever be exchanging best friend pendants, but it just got so hard trying to be distant, and fruitless trying to hate her. Truly I think I hate myself more than I could hate her. How can I hate her for essentially doing what I didn't have the guts to? (Just to note though, at any given point, I reserve the right to bypass that feeling and go straight to the hate again, ok?) John was there too, but in a different area, and once I spotted him, it took everything not to keep looking over - just to catch a glimpse of him. It's so wrong, it's so wrong that I can be sitting next to SpottyApple and wishing I had what's hers; wishing her out of existence and pretending that when he was looking in our direction, that he was actually looking at me? Am I her friend? Is it possible or even right to call her a friend, when behind her back I wish her away - I wish her out of the way? Will I ever get beyond this point, this point of my heart wanting what it can't have? These lines of love, hate, jealousy and friendship are so blurry and I feel like I'm teetering on a dangerous edge when I'm with her and near him.

I hate myself for all of these feelings. How can I ever be ready to let anyone or anything good in, when I can't seem to release these feelings, when I can't seem to release him? I'm so damaged.

I went out with everyone to a pub afterwards, another action out of my character. But a small part of me hoped he'd be there, and another part wished I'd find my very own Mr Wonderful in spite of John and in spite of these feelings and compulsions.

The struggle continues.

SB xx

How do you fight loneliness?

Today, luckily I was able to withdraw from the world, but only a little. Or perhaps to say that I was able to withdraw from a timetable is a better way of putting it. Thankfully no work today meant I had a bit more of a buffer time to get myself put together. I had another momentary crying crisis this afternoon - this is concerning... very concerning. I don't understand it.

While at the gym, a terrible advert I saw, reminded me that I need to find things to giggle at. That God-awful corny advert for Magnum Gold ice cream, is kind of a take-off of Mr & Mrs Smith - and Benicio Del Toro has the lead role. Firstly, what the fuck is Benicio Del Toro doing, starring in a TV commercial for ice cream? And a bad one at that? Why Benicio, why? All I can say is that I hope the job paid really well, well enough to compensate for the worlds loss of respect for you as an actor. yyyowch! Somebody please give Benicio a real job!? I'm embarrassed on his behalf.

In other news, Benchpress me NOW Boy made a late appearance at the gym today. Today, I needed some cheering up, so I promptly made my way to the seated leg press so that I could spy him a little while he was on the rower. I wasn't too obvious, as there were a few people around and I didn't want to seem like a complete perve! He's still lovely, and I still want to be embraced by those big, powerful arms. Oh Benchpress me NOW Boy - will you just say something to me!?

And wisdom from Wilco, how do you fight loneliness? just smile all the time...

and the first thing that you want,
will be the last thing you ever need...

Got it.

SB xx

The snot, it flows

I cried myself into a state for 40 solid minutes lastnight. When the world was dark and sleeping, I was trying to muffle the sounds of my sobbing. It's been a long time since I felt the inclination to do that - I don't know what happened - but I looked at myself in the mirror as I brushed my teeth, and I thought "something's not right here" and then it all started.

I feel like things are starting to get on top of me - little things, little worries, like not getting paid properly this week. Anxiety about appointments I have to make, things I have to do. It scares me that I am starting to feel this way, because while I used to be that way a lot, since I started on the antidepressants - that instinct seemed to dissolve away. I tried to follow the sick trail of thoughts lastnight - but I couldn't pin any down - it was 'John', it was work, it was 'John', it was life, it was me, it was everything invented, real and nothing all at once.

I'm in a puddle of snot and shit and I.am.sinking.

I keep thinking, if I feel this way, if these feelings are so strong - why can't anyone else feel it too? These feelings and thoughts that shake me to the core, why can't he sense it?

I'm trying hard, not to drown - but I am getting tired. I pray that the universe is gentle on me, and that I might be gentle on myself too.

SB xx

Roominate

Thing I hate: private number plates.

Why: because people try to be witty, but most actually come off seeming like knobs!

If I'm going to be forking out potentially $800 for some number plates to grace my automobile, I'm going to want to make sure that the lasting impression I leave on fellow drivers, is NOT how much of a dick I am.

For example I've seen:

'MsBehvin' (gee lovey, was 'Ms Bad Speller' already taken?)

'Pete's Ute' (you'd be Pete then, and that'd be your ute?)

'WeeJohn' (do you want to be slapped?)

Dear God, I've seen a lot more - but I think I have wiped them from my consciousness.

Why am I writing about a custom number plates, rather than the 'roominations' of my mind (ohh, you see what I did there - clever huh?) the answer is, not sure. Probably because I don't have anything nice to write about.

I'm off to do something more constructive, or destructive?

SB xx

Hit the ground rolling... like a tumbleweed

Hello and welcome shitty Monday! I thought last night that I'd try to make this blog a little more upbeat - less about the misery of my existence. Clearly, that's going to work out well.

Lets see. Work is, work, so I'll leave that where it belongs. I won't talk about the torture of hearing the whispering giggling lovers in the office next to me.... he was supposed to be my lover... I want to vomit! And I want to vomit some more after that because I hate the word lover.

I just spent $204 at an online clothing store - it was a mega half price sale and no shipping costs! Bargain - YES, however the bad news is I spent like $150 there last week!! Eeeek - seriously, I have a problem! Then, to console myself I just ate a mega disgusting cream Easter egg. Oh God! Oh God! You know how some people in movies freeze their credit cards in a block of ice - I'm now seeing that as a plausible solution. Shame I kind of have the numbers memorised!

The state of me is actually so alarming to me that I am feeling a mixture of wanting to laugh and cry at the same time - that's hysteria, and that's a real bad sign.

I gotta go laugh and cry... and vomit

SB xx

Beware of Redheads

Another Sunday rolls on by and once again, it finds me pensive and moody.

I don't really have much to speak of, but it's been a couple of days, and I don't want to get too far out of the 'blogging groove'.

This weekend, has been fairly quiet - well, except the fireworks within the household. My Dad and I clash, often, and this can be a large cause of tension in the Strangebird household. So many days, I find myself wishing I had my own place, my own home, filled with personal space and the things I love. Sometimes I need to get away from my angry Dad, negative Mother, and (when she visits), my melodramatic Sister. Sometimes it's very clear to me, why I am such a headcase - with genes like these?! Oh, it could be worse, I know. Sometimes I just crave a little more space than these four walls provide.

I'm feeling the need to vacate my life temporarily - a holiday, a road trip. Too bad my closest friend is 200 odd kilometers away and we shat each other off so much on our last trip, that we'll probably never travel together again. Good bye Africa! Truly, this 'friend' has completely fallen off my grid - she usually only comes to me when she has a crisis, so honestly, I'm not too bothered. I can do without her drama, and it would seem mostly, she doesn't care too much about things that don't concern her. It just makes me mad. Last time I tried to reach out to her and find out what was residing in her arse, she put it all down to being 'busy' then proceeded to tell me about her. AND, while I'm ranting, she's one of these dumb asses who like to write vague and mysterious facebook updates that guilt you into asking what's wrong. OH FUCKING NO, she's not going to get me with those again - EVER!

I had the strangest dream about Benchpress me NOW Boy. I went to the gym, but it was all weird looking and different - some of the weights were in tents and there were beautiful people everywhere. Anyway, some weirdo came up to me at one point, while I was on the machine in the tent, next to Benchpress me NOW Boy.. and handed me a note, basically asking me out. So out loud I'm like, "is this note from the crazy looking big red-headed fella", the note-dude was like "yeah" and I was like "ok then". Then Benchpress me NOW Boy after seeing all this, looks at me and says something like "there you go" and I'm all like "yep, that's different" and then he says "I was going to see if you wanted to go out, maybe for just breads and drinks or something" (downplaying the breads and drinks, as you do) and I'm like "ahh, yeah!" And then I think dream ends!

Damn - it's a sad state when you have to use weirdo dreams as filler for your blog! It's all I got folks!

Back to the grind tomorrow. Eek... a grinding of the soul? Oh, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger... or makes you into a recluse... oh dear.

SB xx

Mean Dreams

Today I woke up and remembered that through the course of the night, I had experienced some rather nice, but strange dreams about my ex-work crush guy, 'John'. When I could muster the energy, I cursed God aloud for being so cruel, for showing me things in my dreams that aren't real, that won't be real and that hurt me. A dream about Robbie Williams or the like I can handle, but 'John' who I am trying desperately to shake from me, well that's just plain mean.

Hence, today's song comes from Sia, called 'I go to sleep' -

When I look up from my pillow I dream you are there with me
Though you are far away I know you'll always be near me

I go to sleep and imagine that you're there with me
I go to sleep and imagine that you're there with me

I look around me and feel you are ever so close to me
Each tear that flows from my eyes brings back memories of you to me

I was wrong
I will cry
I will love you 'till the day I die
You alone
You alone and no one else
You were meant for me

When morning comes again I have the loneliness you left me
Each day drags by until finally night time descends on me

Just for the record, I don't consciously choose to dream about 'John' - although this clearly doesn't matter. I guess while we are on the subject, in the dream - for some reason 'John' and I were in the same house alone - I don't know, for work or whatever and things were a bit threatening and we had some trouble over the course of the night... so when we both awoke and then checked out the trouble, it was cold, so 'John' was like "hey, why don't we like, join our sleeping bags together and sleep next to one another, in the same bed, to keep warm". And of course dream me, was like "hey, yeah, good idea...". So we did, and nothing happened, but just the visual and the fading memory of lying next to him in the dark is disturbing. And now, while just describing the dream, I know exactly where it came from! Someone asked his girlfriend the other day, how it was without him around (because he's away at the moment), and she said "it's colder at night, in bed" - suppressing my upchuck reflex with a smile at the time... to that comment I now think - put some fucking socks on, BITCH!! I don't need to HEAR this stuff!

Ok - so dream dramas aside, I am trying very hard to erase him from my mind. It's difficult with his girlfriend in my face everyday though. And trying to be the graceful person, I'm being friendly with his girlfriend, who appears mostly to be warm and endearing and nice in her own way - but there's a part of me that won't ever trust her. God, it hurts. It's not her fault really. If it's anyones fault, it's mine. But enough of that.

I had another non-verbal, non-close encounter with Benchpress me NOW Boy today - he's still as muscly and broody as ever - but there's something safe about him. It could be his vibe I am tuning into, or purely the size of his biceps - time will tell perhaps. I have a terrible feeling I screwed up though. Normally I'm first on the bike, so usually he's the one joining me, one bike away. But today, he was on the bike first, and I didn't want to be crowding, so I went to the bike 2 bikes away from him, except the pedals were stuffed on that bike, so I had to move along another bike. SO, in essence, I abandoned my usual position - and maybe he's going to read something into that?! Or maybe he didn't notice, or doesn't care. Oh dear. I wish he'd just talk to me!

This entry is just awful. Listen to me bitch and moan and over think. Note to self - get a life!

Clearly still strange as ever,
SB xx

The Leroy Brown of Days

Today I started with such an open minded attitude, I was, I think for a moment 'content' or the closest to it I've ever been. And then I got to work and everything exploded.

Everywhere I turn, just about every person is on the verge of a breakdown of some variety; and in case it wasn't clear, this includes me. My boss.... my . boss - who I really have to boss around is USELESS, USELESS in all the ways that matter right now, to us all. I think perhaps very soon my internal voice is going to become my external voice, and I am going to be in trouble. I think said conversion is starting to happen already.

I am feeling the pressure rise up in me, and I know this is a dangerous time, and a time to start considering a scheduled break. I'm not sure I can afford a proper holiday, but regardless, if I don't get out soon... I can't be sure of what's going to happen.

I'm tired. I'm tired of people who don't do what they are supposed to do, and tired of people who don't do what they say they are going to do. And really, I'm just tired.

There is nothing that can cheer me up. Not even the sight of my new bright, sparkly red, Wizard of Oz Dorothy flats.

Today there was an overwhelming sense for me to just cry. You know you've really hit a wall, when you haven't got the inclination to fight, scream or protest - when all you want to do is cry, it's serious.

My eyes burn tonight like I've already done the crying, but I haven't. When I think about what 'J' at work is going through, I realise I don't really have a valid reason to cry at all.

That is all,

SB xx

Blue Bird

A dear friend at work is having a difficult time, she has been for some time now - mostly since her husband was diagnosed with cancer/s. She's also had a multitude of other things going on in her life. They've been hit with sledge-hammers time and time and time again, and just when you think things are clearing off - something else sneaks up. It's so unfair, yes, I KNOW life isn't fair, but Jesus Christ - how much should one person have to deal with?

It makes me very blue to know that she is going through all of these things. She's not had the easiest life, but she is the most wonderful person you'll ever meet. God - my heart breaks for her. It's just been the last week or so, that it's all started getting to her and now she's not really coping. Work is her only distraction and even then, if you look at her too intensely when you ask "how are you?" she gets tears in her eyes.

She'll be alone next week while her husband is having treatment, and I'm trying to think of things I can do to help. Food I can make... something. It's so hard, there isn't any special kind of cookie that makes everything better - I don't even know what to say to her some days. How many times can you ask "and how are you" before the person gets tired of it?

If prayers and thoughts can do anything, I will surely be putting my weight into those. And by-God, if there is a cookie that can take the edge of cancer and lifes crap - I'll find it.

be happy while you can,
SB xx

Distance

Todays song was a late bloomer, but a good one. From The Temper Trap, Love Lost.

Our love was lost
But now we've found it
Our love was lost
And hope was gone

Our love was lost
But now we've found it
And if you flash your heart
I won't deny it
I promise

Your walls are up
Too cold to touch it
Your walls are up
Too high to climb

I know it's hard
But I can still hear it beating
So if you flash your heart
I won't mistreat it
I promise

I realised today, I'm going to be fine. This crush stuff, with 'John' - is done. There is an opportunity for a weeks distance from him and it will be good I think. I realise I can't have him, maybe I don't even want him, I just wanted what I invented in my head. It seems to always be my downfall. Moving forward is the only way to go from here.

There was change in the air today - a new and fierce wind, and I think it's bringing redemption with it. Life, please deliver me a pleasant surprise.

SB xx

Oh What a World

Some headlines in the news today have left me equally confused and awe-struck...

"Child model makes $280k a year"... ah, what.the.fuck?

"Man asphyxiated on pie 'as others dithered'" ... note to self, don't eat pies in pubs.

"Throat slit and left for dead - pet survives torture and attempted strangulation"... it would seem that once is not enough anymore, for your average neighbourhood sicko. Here's a tip asshole, hows about you go cut yourself? Sick fucks, I can't stand that shit.

"Fate intervenes - depressed couple fall in love at suicide spot"... a nice story - very kismet. Evidence that even when at your lowest, life has surprises - nice.

Life never stops delivering surprises that's for sure. Thank you online news.

SB xx

Just like Jeff says

Todays blog is kindly supplied by Mr Jeff Buckley and his Last Goodbye. When I heard this song come on from my shuffling ipod, I knew it was to foretell the day I was about to have.

This is our last goodbye
I hate to feel the love between us die
But it's over
Just hear this and then I'll go
you gave me more to live for
more than you'll ever know

This is our last embrace
Must I dream and always see your face
Why can't we overcome this wall
Baby, maybe it is just because I didn't know you at all

Kiss me
Please kiss me
But kiss me out of desire, baby
and not consolation
You know it makes me so angry
'Cause I know that in time
I'll only make you cry
This is our last goodbye...

What a song. Listen to it - it's pure magic.

SB xx

I am Madame Bovary (just without all the sex)

I have been reading about ridiculous girly things to stop myself from noticing the obvious elephant herd in the room. I am feeling quite low this evening. It seems a common thread for me lately, oh misery; poor miserable StrangeBird.

I'm trying not to wade in the deepening waters of self pity.

What has got me in such a state? - I think mostly, my conversation with Red last week - I know she's completely right. 'John' also messes with my head, but I am resigned to release him - clearly he's not good for me. I just have to remind myself that he's the one missing out, not me - sometimes that's hard to believe though. I hate him. I hate him.

I am eating myself stupid - chocolate, chocolate - like it makes me feel better - yes, for a second and then BANG.

Fuck I'm such a mess. I'm up and down like a yo-yo.

I think I really need a break. I feel like getting away on my own - I just need to save some money instead of spending it all in another one of my unhealthy compulsions. Perhaps the parentals will give me some of their frequent flyer points?... ah, I'm going to look into it. Do you suppose there are special holidays designed for desperate singles? I'm almost too afraid to type it in the search engine.

I'm sorry - if you have stumbled upon my blog and have been reading about my sorry state, please give me some time and I'll get my humour back. The harder you fall, the higher you bounce right?

SB xx

La Madre

It's Mothers day today. I'm not a Mother, but I can appreciate the special job that it is, and I hope one day I have the chance to experience it first hand.

It's a shame that most of us only take one day in a whole year to sit back and think about the things our Mothers have done for us. Like it (or not) they have a huge role in shaping the way we turn out, they help mould us into the people that we are. Not only that, but a Mothers life is one of sacrifice - sacrificing the biggest half of a chocolate bar, sacrificing their time, and their desires and themselves - all for us.

My Mum - she can be overly and painfully inquisitive, judgemental, insensitive and rash - but I think that's probably all mostly due to the fact she lost touch with herself a long time ago - perhaps around the time when she became a Mother? Having said that, she is loving and kind to others and hard on herself, and you always know that she would do anything to see you happy.

We might not always be on the same wavelength (or planet) but we get the important stuff. Happy Mothers Day to Mother of StrangeBird.

(Here's hoping my uterus gets a chance at motherhood someday soon!)

SB xx

The pictures lie

I just spent the last little while surfing the net for information on distance education courses. Result = despair...

Of course the things I'm interested in, really can't be done by distance, because manual therapies and musculo stuff really is hands on. Then some of the other courses might be ok, however one particular course is $20,000! Where the hell am I going to find that kind of money??

Why distance? Because I don't really want to leave my home town, and my family - especially not my nephew - I think I'd crumble if I couldn't see him every few days - he keeps me alive.

My life it seems, is a steaming pile of dog crap on a cold winters lawn.

Fuck - here's to another awesome Saturday night!

SB xx

Low rider

Today was a bit of a low day for me, with a few bright sparkly moments thrown into the mix. Honestly I don't know what to write about, because it's all going to be very depressing I am sure.

Ex-crush boy, or 'John' as he's also been known - fuck, he confuses me. I can't read him, I can't explain the way he behaves - he's up and down and all over the place. We happened to walk to our cars together this afternoon - and most of it was silence, aside from the things I was saying/asking at irregular intervals. Maybe I was completely nuts ever thinking he felt anything for me. What the fuck? Why the hell can't people have tails like dogs? If they're happy, they like you, they like what you're doing - their tail is wagging. If they are snarling and their tail is down - they don't like you, so back off and leave them alone. It could be that simple. Just imagine.

Speaking of dogs, (oohhh can you tell I'm totally growling right now?) Little Miss Bad Apple stole my thunder today - turning her nose up at something I had shown her, and then proceeding to later show 'John' boy and acting all cute and cool about it. Ohhhh how I wish the universe would give her the bite in the arse she so clearly deserves.

I'm committed to giving my feelings for 'John' the flick - I'm going to do it. It'd be nice to have some help, in the form of a distraction, a highly attractive and kind distraction of the male variety.

Even though I was feeling low - the small surprise that was delivered this afternoon made me forget for a moment how shit I was feeling about myself; and for that I am thankful.

Over and out,

SB xx

Operator Please?!

Another non-remarkable day, but still plenty of action, of the non-great variety. Things at work were really hectic - a lot of the staff were off doing training and various things, one was sick and I found myself in a difficult situation, again, which called for a decision well above my pay-grade. I like to think that I perform reasonably well under pressure - I hope I give that impression.

This brings me to one of my absolute pet hates. Specifically, when I am going through a stressful moment, or even when people think I'm stressed, and I'm not, and they say to me "don't stress" I FRIGGING HATE that with the passion of 1000 fires, and when people say that to me, I want to gouge their eyes out with the nearest implement, sharp or blunt. I have a similar reaction when people tell me to "breathe" at moments when I might be having a (controlled) rant, or a externally expressed difficulty. Little Miss Bad Apple, (ex-work crushes girlfriend) has said it to me on more than one occasion, and again did it today - and while I looked back at her and squeezed out some form of a smirk in response, what I really wanted to say was something like, "fuck off, I think I can remember to breathe just fine without the cues from you"!! Damn it. If I can think of a witty enough response to that in future, rest assured I will be using it.

I kind of got an arse kick yesterday when I met up with my ex-work friend (she's 'ex' because she's leaving town, and hence no longer works with me) lets call her 'Red'. She asked me what was going on, what my plans were - specifically in a social sense. I said my usual thing; oh, my life is boring, I don't know - blush, blush. And she told me, with some form of sensitivity that I can't hide, and that I shouldn't stay at home all the time, and asked me when I was going to go out - when I was 75?? I know, I know she is absolutely right - yes I agree that it's highly unlikely that someone is going to knock on my door and if they do it's probably just going to be an ugly, balding, miserable delivery man. I am kind of fucked, and I know it. I know God doesn't usually do 'home delivery' but shit, I wish he'd look at a policy change, even if it was just for me. Truth is that everything Red said was correct, I know it, I acknowledge it - I just don't know what to do with it. I'm scared.

Worse still today, in front of ex-work crush, I was holding a baby, and someone yelled out "look out she's getting clucky"... "don't let your boyfriend see you like that".... and somehow the conversation, or in my case, 'interrogation' lead to me having to say that I didn't have a boyfriend, and that I need to "find a man first". Dear God, an earthquake would've been great right about then!

I used to think I might've been incapable of a relationship and everything that goes with it - the physical contact, the opening up, the vulnerability. I don't feel that way so much anymore. Something kind of switched over, and while I get a stomach flutter when I think about those things happening, it doesn't frighten me like it used to. In all honesty and modesty, I think that I would make a perfectly great girlfriend. I'm considerate and kind, perceptive and loyal and when I make anything, I make it with love.

Dear God, please don't let me turn into a 'cat lady' or any other kind of animal 'lady'. I just want to be somebody's girl.

SB xx

cupcakes & a broken jam tart

My mind is swimming at the moment, and everything is a little fuzzy. The thoughts are hard to pin down, so this post won't make much sense I fear, but I suppose it doesn't really matter as no one reads this anyway. I guess I came on here for some comfort. I don't know what I want really, what I hope for? No, that's a lie, I know what I want - amongst other things that shall remain unnamed, I just want things to make sense, I want a reason for the way things turned out. I'm one of those people that needs justification, I need to feel like there is a reason for everything, I suppose so that I can feel like ultimately, the road leads where it's supposed to. Like if there was an ending added to Robert Frosts poem, it would say that both paths ended in the same place. If you take away words like reason, supposed to, destiny, meant to be, you're just left with a bunch of random sequences and that scares the shit out of me.

Mostly, I have taken some steps forward, in regards to releasing ex-work crush boy from my mind and heart. But having said that, it is a very hard thing to do, and there still, are moments when I wonder if it occurs to him? There's a dangerous thought that runs around my head from time to time, teasing me with possibility - and it asks, will he realise one day he wants me? God, as I read over that, I cringe - I want to delete and retrace that entry, but for honesty's sake I shall leave it there. It's not really any secret this crush has tested me, and quite possibly sent me mad. Like poor Madame Bovary, the lure of love and man has eluded me and I am damaged in a way that is not repairable; sometimes it's in a look he gives me, something he does just for me, something he says... but then she is right around the corner, and it smashes into me like a semi-trailer and I crash, just like this.

There is a selfish part of me that doesn't want to lose him at all, but really, I know that life is much easier when he's not around. For this, I wish mostly that he would just leave, so that I might forget him and move on. So that I might have a chance of mending my jam tart.

SB xx

What Jesus would do if he had a credit card...

OK - so I've just spent the last 50 minutes or so, checking out some online makeup type stores, channelling my 22 month old nephew, so that I could find a nice Mothers Day present for his Mother, my Sister.

Conclusion #1 - Makeup is a friggen rip off! And that's before you even get to the actual makeup part of it; there's all the washes, exfoliaters, cleansers, toners and creams - f*#%ing lip treatments! Oh my God - as a woman I feel so dirty and diseased right now - just for being sucked into this bullshit!

Right, so it turns out, I couldn't get the particular makeup shade she uses, but then stumbled upon a totally awesome freebie deal you get, AFTER you buy 2 other products. Concern #1, average product price $47.... SHIT. However, I knew that my sister would adore this ridiculously expensive stuff, and I knew getting the 2 products was going to blow the modest budget my nephew has for said present. So, I did what any good sister would do. I scouted the site for 2 of the cheapest products I could find (possibly why it took me 50 MINUTES on the site) and purchased them with my overused, burnt out little credit card. I know it wasn't the smartest thing, I know I'm trying to save money, but at the end of it all - how can I not? Her husband is away on Mothers Day, she doesn't work, so doesn't have any money for luxury items and I know she loves all that sort of stuff. And after all, in this life, sometimes people should get the things that they want and if I can be a part of that, then that's ok with me, and it'll be ok with the credit card too, eventually. I'm certain Jesus would've done a similar thing for one of his disciples.

Then, I went on Facebook. I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook. I don't need everyone in the world to know what I'm thinking/doing/saying/looking at/eating, but God-damn it if I want to know the same information about everyone else! However, it did lead me to:

Conclusion #2: No self-respecting woman should ever refer to herself as a WAG. Enough said.
AND
Concern #2: the human race can't spell anymore! What the hell is wrong with people? If you're going to go to the trouble of being witty and making a comment that potentially hundreds of people are going to see, why can't you take the time to spell the words out the way they were meant to be?! Please people, I can hear the collective sound of your brain cells screaming in pain as they die. Think of the children. Think of the gene pool?

In other news, I had a strange dream last night and it had Benchpress me NOW Boy in it. This time, he came into my work because he had a giant hole in the bottom of his foot and a big crack/scar thing all up his well defined leg. I told you it was strange. That's all I got.

Gee, I really wish I could move beyond this point, find a man of my own, so that I can stop obsessing about other peoples boyfriends.

Monday tomorrow. God.

SB xx
sucking 'it' up as we speak