the things you do for (crush) love

Today I had my second and final chance of this week to grab an encounter with my gym crush. More of that in a minute... Firstly - I've been thinking reasonably hard about his new name, because clearly 'my gym crush' really doesn't do him as an individual, much justice. So, here are some of the contenders:

donkey kong - if you saw the car he drives and the way he looks while doing so, you would get it
man in the mirror - an obvious observation, but a little too hmm... Michael Jackson
popeye - a reference to the muscles (yes, I'm getting desperate for ideas)

But finally, I just had to go with the obvious, and keep it simple: he will now, forevermore (or at least until I learn of his real name) be known as 'Bench press Me NOW Boy'. Yeah, I know - it's inspired right? Anyway...

So, our gym encounter was a little lacklustre - again he disappointed me with no rowing machine action AND he arrived late, so I spent the remainder of my workout trying to stealthily figure out where in the room he was located, while also trying to avoid his gaze (and let me tell you, this is no easy task - in a room full of mirrors it's easy to get caught out!) while also trying to do what I actually went there for and, you know, exercise! Whilst walking around the area, I did my best to give that 'I'm red faced, sweaty and sexy and not worried at all about you looking at me' vibe. Self assessment says I didn't do too bad. I was very reckless today too, at the end of my session, I threw caution the wind... I thought, damn it - lets push it, so I took a sharp right turn at the weight machines where he was and climbed by ass onto the bike right by where he was standing (consequently, also right next to the bike he normally uses - hey, a girl notices these things). In my defence, he is right about those bikes - the seat is mega comfortable; when you are spending 20 minutes on the thing it's nice not to lose the feeling in your ass. Did I make any sort of a point, who knows, but for me, it was a push - and it's good for me to do that every now and then. Anyway - I rode nowhere for 20 minutes, dismounted, stretched and went home. Encounter end... or so I thought...

Some 90 minutes or so later, on my way home from a friends place, making an innocent left hand turn onto the road that would lead me home, who do I see approaching? It was none-other than Bench press me NOW Boy driving along in his ridiculous beaten up old car!! I giggled, both at the sight, and at the lovely serendipitous nature of the moment. So, I made my turn and decided that it would be a good idea to follow him (even though it would take me in the opposite direction of home), and then I could see where he lives!! So, I followed through the lights, through the roundabout and past the pub, before coming to my senses and realising a) it wasn't pitch dark and more importantly b) I'm not Dana Scully - so I took a sharp left and headed home - oh the glory!

And they - were my complete unedited encounters with Bench press me NOW Boy.

Until next time,
SB xx

Today Has Been OK

And today's ipod moment, goes to Emiliana Torrini:

friends tell me it's spring
my window shows the same
without you here the seasons pass me by
I know you were not new
that loved like me and you **(am starting to wonder about the credibility of these lyrics..)
all the same I miss you
today has been ok
today has been ok

And that sort of set the tone for the day. I had a day off today - which was lovely. It's the best feeling when you wake up and know you don't have to go to work that day - and it's NOT because it's a weekend, or because you've pulled a sickie - it's legal and it's DIVINE. And just so you know I don't ever use the word divine - so you know I mean it when I use it here.

I didn't do anything outstanding today, but I also didn't have to wear a watch - and that, in my book, is the sign of a great day. The day off did also grant me the chance to catch up with my gym crush! Our meeting was far too brief, and sadly, not accompanied by any earth moving visual encounters. It's been FAR too long since I spied him on the rowing machine - I live in hope that tomorrow delivers! (please, please God - let me see the mans muscles, I promise not to touch)!!

I don't think the title of 'gym crush' really does him justice either - we've known each other for so long that I think it's only fitting he get a better name. I will have a think on it and re-christen him.

Also, there is something a little disturbing about my gym crush that I've failed to mention before now - it's that I'm not sure if he has eyebrows!!! Is that awful? What would I be if I were the kind of person that discriminated against someone because of their eyebrows, or lack of them?!? I probably should try and find out if he does have eyebrows - just so I know. The shaved head I can deal with, but babies with no eyebrows - now that's pushing it a little too far! What would my mother think? Oh man, I just had an idea for his name.... but it's so un-flattering that I won't actually use it - unless he's in the bad books of course... ready for it... Mr Potato Head!

Until next time,

Mrs Potato Head

Technicolour Dreams

I had some strange dreams last night - nice, but strange. It felt as if all night I was being fed little bits and pieces of people and places. One part was particularly nice - I was being romantically pursued by not one, but two fellas - and it felt wonderful. Oh my God - I must get a life!

Amongst that, I was visited by someone I haven't seen in a very long time - he was wonderful and he made me laugh and I felt alive. I felt like I was the only person in the world that mattered - like the only person he could see. It felt - amazing. I don't have any other words.

And then of course, I woke up. I began to wonder if I would know these feelings in waking life. I hope so.

They say it's highly unusual for people to dream in colour - most people are supposed to dream in black and white. I'm fairly sure I dream in colour - wonder what that means?

I was supposed to be going to a work dinner this weekend - but then, I figured it might be nice to have some distance, not only from work talk, work think, and the people from work - but of course, from my work (ex-)crush. I don't need to go out socially that badly, that I would put myself in a place where I don't want to be, just for the sake of saying I went somewhere. I'm not going to do that anymore. If I had to sit at the dinner table with ex-crush boy and his 'bad apple' I may very well upchuck my dinner, and now that'd just be a waste of perfectly good food and money.

I promise that when my life gets more interesting, so will this blog. If anyone actually ever reads this.

SB xx

A touch of Nonna?

I've been a little freaked out lately. I've been having these weird moments of maybe clarity, or maybe paranoia - where I feel a sense that something is impending - something perhaps not good, or maybe it's just because it's weirding me out that I feel it's 'bad'. These moments, feel familiar and I don't know, vivid - the feeling you get when you're aware you're in the middle of a dream, but yet you have no control over it.

My great grandma used to have a 'touch' of something - I'm not sure what you'd call it - on account of her not talking a whole lot of English, I'm not even sure what she called it. Intuition perhaps? Am I coming into my own? Do I have the Nonna powers? Or am I just being silly?

Maybe I should try just going with the feelings and not worry about them so much. I have been following my gut instincts for the past week or so and it feels right to do so. I never used to be this way. Maybe I feel a little doomed because there's been so much crap and bad news around lately, and I'm sort of expecting the shit to hit the fan, I don't know.

Weirdness from camp StrangeBird....

REALITY CHECK - aisle strangebird

God: did someone here order a reality check
SB: yes God, that would be me

Alright, so I've mentioned this work crush of mine numerous, painful times. And last night I came to a decision, I am writing the conclusion to this pathetic painful story.

I am refusing to be a victim of the crush any longer. This so called "crush" has been more like being smashed with a semi-trailer than hit with cupids arrow - and why that is I can't explain - you know what, I don't even care anymore.

Yeah, I can lament the loss of the chance - but what would be the point? I don't know what I was sensing when he first arrived - so maybe I fucked up by not acting on it, he lost interest quickly and it was done. I can't keep carrying this around with me forever? Learn from it, and move on.

I don't want to be a Martha Wainwright song anymore - I want to be free to live again. Everyday my mind gets bogged down in rationalising why he said what he said to me, that day.. that week... no more bullshit StrangeBird.

I don't know how I'm going to flick this switch - but the decision has been made - it's done baby. No more wishing, hoping, imagining. The truth of it is, I should value myself more than this, why should I sit sadly idle waiting for someone? Aren't I worth more than that - I'm one of the good apples, remember?

I've done more than enough thought challenging in my time - I'm basically certified. So next time I find myself having a weak moment, I'm going to imagine the image of a big mother of a glowing red STOP sign and I will remember why I'm not participating in that nonsense activity anymore.

Sadly, I can't wipe his girlfriend from my existence - all I can hope is that the universe will sort that one out in time. I truly think he picked a bad apple there - but it's not really my problem is it? It never really was.

I will not willingly allow any unworthy man to stomp on my good heart anymore.

Rant end. Copy that - SB

R.I.P. BASTARD crush

them illusive apples

Without trying to sound totally full of myself, I wonder sometimes why I am single. I'm not freakishly ugly, just plain; I'm not dumb, some might say I'm clever actually; I have a job, I'm clean; I don't sport a uni brow.... so why??

The theory I currently subscribe to.... on the apple tree that is women-kind, I am perched comfortably somewhere near the top. I haven't fallen from the tree and spoilt and I'm not positioned in a low-lying place where I can be easily reached, or bumped off by the head of a passerby. If, in this wooded world of apple trees, a man sees me and likes the look of my apple glory - he has to try really hard to get me. He might need to source a ladder, or climb the treacherous branches of the tree to reach me.

Too many men of this world are content to try their luck with the apples at the bottom, or worse those that are already on the ground. They are easy to get and there's plenty to choose from - an apple's just an apple to him. No people, an apple is not just an apple. Those ones on the ground, if they aren't rotten or worm eaten - they'll leave a bad taste in your mouth. And sadly, these 'bad' apples give the rest of us a bad name.

I'm a metaphorical apple and I might not be easily won, but I am worth it.
Why can't anyone see it?

SB

I kinda wish I hadn't met you

Have you ever meet someone whose life is so interesting and exciting in comparison to your life, that it makes you wish the ground would open up and swallow you whole? I did today.

Don't get me wrong, this lady leads a mega interesting life, and has so many plans - but geez, by the end of our interaction I felt embarrassed to be sharing the same air as her. She has travelled to numerous places, scuba dived - no, correction is in a scuba diving club that is travelling to Egypt this year for a DIVE, sailed, slept in a coal mine, had children, had a professional career for years, plans to sail the world and, oh, did I mention used to hold a pilots licence. JEEEESUS!! And that's all the stuff I can remember, let alone the other disturbing facts which I obviously blocked out!

After all of this, I felt silly asking what she was up to for the weekend! Completing astronaut training perhaps? Now, that's just silly strangebird... or is it??

to infinity and beyond!
SB xx

Ta douleur

If you've been reading my blog lately, it would've been fairly obvious that I haven't been in the most positive frame of mind. Today I had a lesson, again on anatomy. Every time I have a lesson like todays, I remember why I love human biology - why it gives me a spark of life when I think about it. It also makes me think this is where my passion is.

We - you and I and everyone in between, we are amazing, AMAZING machines. We are the end product of some divine and magnificent science/evolution/magic - whatever idea you subscribe to. Our bodies are working in ways we can't imagine, with systems that are genius - with capabilities and abilities beyond our imaginings.

So, to get to the point. When I am next down, I will try to remember just what an amazing little machine I am. There are certainly plenty of days when I don't feel like I am amazing or remarkable - but the truth is, if we are here, and we are upright - we ARE amazing. Yep, you heard me right, I am a work of art. So how 'bout that?

Over and out
SB xx

hang me up to dry

I'm sad, angry and frustrated all in one. I think about my crush - or whatever you want to call it. It's the most ridiculous, laughable aspect of my existence and it's not funny anymore. It stopped being funny the moment I saw him and that other girl together. I feel sick and I can't shake it. FUCK. The thing is, when it all happened, I felt so ashamed and foolish - I felt like I'd been betrayed. Did he realise it? Did he know what he was doing? Does he know what he's doing every time he looks at me with those eyes.... those eyes the colour of which I don't know how to explain. I haven't dared look at them for too long, for fear of getting lost. The thing is - I'm already lost. I'm a fucking missing person.

Why can't I shake this? I've had crushes before and I've ridden them out eventually - why won't it go away? I hate this and I'm angry and sometimes I want to hate him so much - but I can't do it, not for long anyway.

How could life be so cruel? Ok, so, I've never declared for certain, because I never really knew - but I'm sure there was something there - I wasn't imagining it all - surely? Oh God - I said not one more tear... they are there - they are welling up. This is horrible.

So, he chose the other girl. We are different, so, by rights, if he likes her - he was never going to like me, right? If he chose her, then the game is done right? I should be able to say "his loss" and believe it - but I don't. I want to say to myself "you deserve better" but I can't, because I don't believe it. I say to myself "things happen for a reason" but it's hard, when that is the only comeback you've got for every-single shit thing that happens in your life. When do these "things" start happening in my favour? How patient do I need to be?

This is a sickness. It's sick, I know it's sick. If you're some stranger, and you're reading this - I can imagine what it looks like from the outside - I know it, I do. Tell me what I am supposed to do, to make it go away. Short of leaving my job - what am I supposed to do? I'm not a nutcase. I'm confused, and I need a really good cry.... and God, by the way - I think you're doing a shitty job with me.

My heart is doing back flips and I don't know why and I'm freaking out about it and all I want to do is wash you off John - as much as you used to make the days interesting, you now make them doubly painful. I HATE what you've done to me John. You've broken me.

Oh God - I really, really don't know what to do anymore. I can't take it anymore. I do not understand these feelings. Wash me clean and then hang me out to dry 'cause I got nothing else.

SB

mummblings of the mind

I'm not too sure how I am feeling at the moment. I always head to the computer with the best intentions of writing some awesome entry that'll change the world for a moment, but I get here - and it's all gone again. So what's been going on in the life of strangebird lately?

On the weekend I attended a small party/get together - did I have fun, well, if I were completing one of those 'circle the appropriate response' questionnaires, my answer for that one would be i neither had a good or bad time. In case it wasn't obvious already, social settings aren't really my thing. I hate them in fact, especially when I have to go on my own - because you never have that back-up person to hang with. But every now and then, I challenge myself, for 'graded exposure' purposes. I did okay - but I am not getting any better at small talk. It's like, I've exhausted the weather, the job, the background in the first 2 minutes and I have NO WHERE to go! Seriously, if you looked at me close enough I'm sure you would see my mind ticking over, clicking inappropriately like a timer that didn't go off when it was supposed to. But, I just don't know how to get better at these things. I think it's probably a plus that mostly people at parties are drinking or on their way to drunk, so hopefully they don't notice the awkwardness of me. Perhaps therein lies the illusive answer.. perhaps I need to be one of the ones drinking. But, drinking, aside from not appealing to me, also scares me - I don't like not being in control and there are SO MANY years of repression, I'd be a little scared of what might come out!!

Work today - was ok. Crush boy, who for the purposes of this blog, we will run with the name John is causing me some devastating damage. He's being friendly with me, more friendly than normal and that is dangerous. Doesn't John know what he's doing to me, or is it just a stupid male thing? Perhaps he's just trying to be my friend - he is a nice boy really, which is why I am attracted to him in the first place. But damn you John, must you be this way. You're killing me here!!

My heart has been doing this funny thing lately. I had it checked awhile back - but back then it wasn't as frequent as it is now. It's scaring me a little. I don't think it's anxiety, because anxiety has never manifested itself in that manner with me before. I blame John. Damn you John, does your heart skip like mine? Have you noticed I like using John? For dramatic effect, is it working? No, I didn't think so.

Farewell for now
SB xx

ya-hair baby!

There is a rhythm to a hair dressing salon that I dare say is rivaled by no other workplace. In the hairdressers this morning I was observing closely, said rhythm. You've got conversations and small talk going on - in depth confessions and personal information flying about the room. The constant hum of the hairdryers, the snip of the scissors, hairspray bursting from cans and parcels of hair being wrapped in tin foil as the constant soundtrack. Then there's the smells, the dyes and chemicals, sprays, oils, serums and gels are overwhelming. Most impressive is the organised dance of the equipment trolleys as they move from one client to the next, effortlessly gliding in a choreographed display! It is impressive.

Possibly I have spent too much time thinking about this!

SB

Dear John

Right now, I'm listening to Ray LaMontagne and feeling fairly well melancholy. I'm exhausted from work, in fact I wanted to go home for a sleep at around 1pm, and right now I should be studying, but my head is far too full of crap to be any use. So, what's my man Ray got me dwelling on? What else, but love, love lost - hope lost, hope less.... everything. The following is a fictional letter to my crush, it's an experiment, lets see how it turns out.

Dear John
Writing a letter like this is not something I do all the time, and it's certainly not something I take lightly. In fact, I don't know how you're going to receive it, what you'll think or if you'll even care. It's quite possible that I am making a complete fool of myself - but, at this point, I don't care anymore.

The truth is... the gut wrenching, heart in my chest truth, is that I have been madly in love with you from almost the moment I met you. I have been carrying this around for so long, and some days, containing it took all of my strength. There have been times, when you've been so close to me, my heart was leaping in my chest and I'm sure to the observant viewer it was written all over my face. I haven't known what to do with these feelings, I still don't. There have been days I have cried my heart out because it ached so much, and the crying took the pain away for a moment. There were moments, when I let myself think that you might've felt the same - and I didn't know what to do. And now, I'm saddened at the thought of this missed opportunity, because now you are attached.

It kills me to know that you are with someone else, and that it's someone so hideously ugly on the inside. I thought I knew you - and now, I feel like maybe I never did. Still, you made your choice, and somehow I have to get over that. I promised myself a long time ago, that I wouldn't shed another tear over you - and I haven't. I suspect however, that there are tears left for you to cry. I don't know if anything would've happened, if we would've even been able to hold a 30min conversation. I hope that in another life time or dimension, we get the chance to find out - because, just quietly, I think we would've been fairly awesome.

I miss who you used to be before she came along, and I hope one day he comes back. Most of all I hope she doesn't damage you - your spirit is far too special to smash.

I think I love you, and I think you'll never really know how much.

Yours truly
SB xx

ageing, i've got you on my mind

Seeing as my birthday is fast approaching, it's at this time when I start to think about ageing. Yes, I shy away from the numbers, and internally dread when that day rolls around, not so much because of the size of the number, but because of what that number is 'supposed' to mean. You see, this years number, is definitely the number by which you 'should' be in that serious relationship and starting to settle down. You see, I'm semi settled - but as a loner. At this age, you'd also expect that the person would be 'settled' in their employment as well - again, I buck the trend here too. Here I sit, 10 years out of high school, and still, not really any closer to that life altering purpose. Since all that crap went down with the uni stuff though, to a certain extent I stopped trying to plan things, for the last little while, I have been trying to roll with things as they come. However I am not so naive, to think that this can be sustained forever, I'm aware this is still a diversionary tactic - unassuming as it may be.

At my work, I'm fairly well surrounded by people at their worst; inflicted with the ailments and serious illnesses and conditions that age brings with it. It 's horrible and another major reason that birthdays scare me a little. Every year, I get a little closer to having to worry about the medical conditions whose incidence increase with age, the extra added sucky bits that come with being a female - and then there's the random stuff like MND that fall from the sky like a flaming comet of shit and blow your life to pieces. Scary shit.

But, on the positive things about my age that I'm particularly grateful for; that no one in my high school class had a mobile phone, that I can spell properly, that I don't use acronyms and STUPID abbreviations to express my feelings, that when I was growing up - Doc Martens were about as brand orientated as life got. And, for all the low times, because now I'm all the much stronger and wiser because of it all. It's a rough ride this life.

Well, off to read up on strokes (no, seriously!)
Until next time,
SB

I think I know what's eating gilbert grape

Sorry - but it is not a particularly happy day - so I don't have anything sweet and light to contribute to the world today. I wish I was one of those people, happy with the world, with a spring in my step - I'm just not.

So, why am I so angry today? I'm not sure, I have to dig deep to listen to the thoughts running through my head. Why is it my mother always says to me things like, "you need to stop being angry with the world"... the thing is, I don't think I'm angry with the world - certainly not all the time, and certainly not enough of the time that someone could make that a general observation of me. What can I say, I'm moody and dark, and the bad things that happen in the world bring me down, animal cruelty, abuse, rape, injustice, evil, it all hits me where it hurts - I can't be at ease with the fact that the world isn't fair. I'm sorry, because God knows, life would probably be easier if I were the kind of person that could shake those things off - but I'm just not built that way. And deep down, there isn't a drug or antidepressant that would ever be able to change that.

Something that I saw on the news today, something that has stuck with me - one of the evil, evil bastards who killed that little boy James Bulger those years ago, has just been put back in jail for some other disgusting crime. I remember when that crime first happened - it brought tears to my eyes when I first read about it, and even now - I think about that poor, defenceless little boy whose life was taken so disgustingly. You see, I don't even have the words in my adult vocabulary to express how it makes me feel, nor how I feel about those bastard EVIL fucks that committed the act. When I see that little boys picture, I think about it happening to someone I know, I think about my little nephew - and I think, amongst other disturbing things, I think about how those evil boys do not deserve to live. They shouldn't have been allowed to live, grow up, get out of jail! I mean, who lets people like that out of jail? Man - you do something like that, as far as I'm concerned, you're done for, no second chances, no excuses. Animals like that, provide good argument for capital punishment. God, it makes my BLOOD BOIL. They'll put down a dog for less. It should be the same with people like that. Ok, soapbox is away now.

The most disturbing thing about all of it, about all the sickness in the world; is that you can't be protected from it, you can't wear a special charm, put up special fences, say a special spell to keep from harm - and that's friggen scary. All I can do, is try to be smart in my life, hope for a bit of luck and pray to God that he keeps me and my loved ones safe. That's scary - and I suppose that's one of the reasons I hate the world sometimes.

Why else am I angry? Truthfully, I don't think I'm at ease with who I am as a person. I don't really like that I'm not the person I imagined I was going to be when I was 17. I haven't achieved anything great, I haven't stunned the world with my brilliance or set it alight with my charm... I'm just little old strangebird, I blend into the crowd, I'm not remarkable by any means - I'm just the girl who dodged university, had an assorted string of unemployment and crappy jobs, who got terribly depressed and came back from it. I like to believe I can make a difference in the world still, and there are some days where I think I'm closer to that ideal than others - but I'm more like a flickering torch than a lighthouse and essentially I hate that. I keep thinking that in my next life I'll make sure I'm awesome... hmm but truly I should be able to do that now shouldn't I?? Does everyone in their life feel like this I wonder? Or do I just think too much.

So, I don't have an obese mother, a disabled brother or particularly messy life - but I think I know what might've been eating gilbert grape - perhaps his expectations didn't quite match his reality either.

Ah - life's a struggle, but what do you do about it - play by her rules or check out.

Until next time,
SB

crunchy nut cornflake girl

Right, it's probably a bad thing, if upon waking, the only portion of the day I look forward to is when I get to eat my crunchy nut cornflakes for breakfast. Ok - so we agree then?

I don't really have much to say tonight. This week, has been more than a bit shit - but it's just work and things could be much worse as far as problems go. I know it. So, how about instead of me listing the things I hate, like a spoilt little shit - I'll list some things that I love. The yin and the yang.

Sometimes when I used to get so down, I would sometimes list out loud the things that were worth 'sticking around' for. I mean, I never actually got as far as trying to kill myself - but I'd have moments when all I could use to comfort me was the notion that for that day, chocolate was worth living for, or a TV show on that night was worth hanging in for. Funny....

So, things I love:
1. driving around really quiet streets - makes me feel like I am the only person left in the world
2. food, in general, WAY TOO MUCH
3. my crazy, crazy family
4. my beautiful nephew - he lights up my world
5. dan sultan - especially his song "walk through my dream"... gorgeous specimen of a man
6. decorating cupcakes with countless numbers of sprinkles and decorating implements
7. catherine tate - FUNNY lady
8. the moment when I come out with a wonderfully sarcastic joke that surprises people and gets a laugh
9. kissing the cheek of a little baby
10. the word kismet
11. receiving a hand written letter
12. capturing a photo and knowing I just caught a magical moment in time
13. playing music loudly and dancing freely to it
14. the possibility that at any given moment, something awesome could happen to rock my world (in the good way)

That's enough for now. Ah, I feel better already.

SB

Storms and Fevers

I almost walked INTO my gym crush today. Although, not a great encounter, as he avoided my eyes. I have figured there are some possible reasons for this:

1) he finds me hideously unattractive
2) he finds me awesomely attractive that he doesn't know what to do or
3) (and most likely) my attempting to apologise for nearly bumping into him with my 'sorry' which, when it left my mouth, came out freakishly croaky like I was Freddy friggen Kruger, scared him away... in my defence, I did have my earphones in and music on... :(

On the positive side - he did stop and let me pass, so, either he's a regular 2010 gentleman, or I was just too scary so he wanted to keep me where he could see me?

He did however redeem himself somewhat, and offered what I would consider an gesture of olive branch proportions in the gym world - he came and used the exercise bike next to mine! Believe it or not, this is a BIG development. Hey, I wouldn't put a deposit on the wedding cake just yet, but... So, we both sat there, riding the crap out of our bikes, riding to big fat nowhere - spending 10 gloriously awkward minutes, avoiding each others gazes, pretending to be intensely loving the music playing in our respective mp3 players. It's ridiculous, but I love it!

It's been so long since I had the opportunity to spy on his lovely physique gripping thy old rowing machine - but I live in hope for the next opportunity to do so. He has a Vin Diesel air about him, and is built like a mythical roman god. His arms.... oh god, they make me weak at the knees. Dear God... sorry for bringing you into this discussion, but I think I need to get laid?

Ok, so like any other crush, it will probably kill me slowly from the inside - but in the meantime, it's a nice incentive for visiting the gym and getting some much needed exercise. And hey, it's not a bad distraction from the crap going down at work.

And, dear Gym Crush - if you are out there, and you're reading this - please don't be afraid of me, I am lovely really.

Until next time,
SB

it's all about the point of view

I think essentially, the world is divided into two kinds of people; those who put others first, and those who put themselves first. Of course, we all have moments of varied degrees in each party - but, when it boils down, you are either one or the other.

Of course, there are benefits to both. If you are someone who puts others first, like me (most of the time) you forget about the things you want, the things you need to do and you put your resources into other people, expecting or hoping that your good deed will be noticed, perhaps one day even rewarded. This is not really true. Then, if you are one of these people, you end up having so many repressed feelings and desires that eventually they build up to nuclear proportions, and suddenly you need to push that metaphorical big red flashing overload button or you explode! However, if you are the other side of the coin, you worry about you, you worry about what you want and do whatever you have to do to make sure you get it. Not a bad way to be in theory, assertiveness is not a bad thing - but it also means crushing a lot of people along the way too, and I can't speak for the way these people sleep (possibly better than me?!).

So, my dilemma is, if you are one of the ones who puts themselves second - what do you do when you feel that urge to explode? How long can you be a giver before you start to realise you don't want to be a doormat forever? I'm in dire need for that big red button.

I'm tired of giving, I'm tired of people not appreciating the things I do. I'm by no means perfect all the time - but for fucks sake people, every once in a while - think about the person who's 'packing YOUR parachute'. Think about the people whose backs you climb on to get where you were - just for a minute, and try to be gracious.

over and out,
SB

when i die

So, I've been thinking for a while, about talking to my family - my parents, to tell them that I want to be an organ donor. But to be honest, I'm not too sure how they would take it. I mean, in my mind I know that if I tell them, and then I die suddenly, at least they know what my wishes would've been - so it's not a difficult decision for them. But then, bringing it up in conversation is a little weird - and I kind of feel like I might curse myself or something. Perhaps I'll just register and then it's out there and done. I'm 26 and I don't want to think too much about my mortality.

I remember a long time ago when I was little - maybe 9 years old - the subject came up and someone said that my dad could donate his organs - even his eyes and at that point, I was devastated - I started bawling, because I couldn't imagine someone cutting out my dads crystal blue eyes and them not being his anymore. I guess thoughts like that are kind of disturbing - but I guess if you're finished with your body, it may as well go to good use and hopefully save someone in need.

I am certain however, that I WILL NOT be donating my body to some university science lab - I've seen and met some of those student bastards - no friggen way!