Normally I love this time of year. Things are winding down, excitement is creeping, everyone is more open to acts of kindness and generosity and whatever the case, you know the year is coming to an end and that knowledge brings with it a promise of hope for the year to come.
This year it would seem, I have The Grinch sitting atop my shoulder. My generosity still remains (my credit card bill is testament to that) but the energy, excitement and goodwill to all men (and their men) just isn't there.
I think a lot of this looming non-specific, non-joy stems from my depleting energy levels. I'm working more hours than I am paid for - I'm stressed when I'm at work, I'm stressed when I leave work and the punches just keep coming.
I knew it was a possibility, and then when it was confirmed at my Christmas work party, I started feeling a little sick. John is leaving work. He is applying for jobs every which way that lead away from my humble home town; so not only does he plan to leave work, but he leaves home, and my vicinity - forever and ever, Amen. I don't know why I care so much. I guess part of me was hoping he'd get a boost, a jolt from somewhere and work with me to push our team forward - to make the changes that need making. And I guess a big part of me was hoping, selfishly, to keep his green eyes around long enough for him to see in me, what I see in him. It's ridiculous, romantic and completely naive - but 'tis the season for all things corny and miraculous and I just got dealt a truckload of shitty coal and reality.
I have to remind myself that I can't fight the flow of things. I cannot control him, I cannot control my world. Things are 'swell' for some, some paddle, some float and I am drowning.
It's probably a good thing in the long run that he goes - saves having me distracted and torn up. I think the hardest thing to say goodbye to, will be the chance. While he's here, anything is possible - when he goes - that's it, out of reach, chance blown. Game over.
Baaahhhh - I just want life to slow down. I just want something good, (for all men and) for this one woman.
SB xx
No comments:
Post a Comment