she's so hard

What is it that defines who I am?
- the way I look
- the things I do
- the things I don't do
- the people I know
- the people I don't know
- the way I treat people
- the way that people treat me
- my hopes/dreams/desires
- the things I own

The list is impossibly long and confusing. But of all the things listed... and not listed, do I really just equate to what I think about myself? If I do, I think that's a scary alternative.

Wise people say that "if you don't love yourself, how can you expect others to love you?" Yep - that's a real pearl of wisdom, and no doubt true... but what do you do if you don't 'like' yourself very much?

A feature on burnout I read recently asked "do you feel insignificant?" In my head - the answer was 'yes, sometimes' and then 'sometimes I think other people think I am insignificant'. Ouch.

So, really what is the answer? Ask myself enough rhetorical questions until I work myself back to the start? When does one find the time for personal reflection - I thought that's what dreams were about - letting your head sort out the tough stuff floating around in your subconscious. Come on subconscious - do your job for crying out loud!?

My whole life - I've been my biggest critic... saw myself in the reflection of other peoples eyes, because that version must be true. Perhaps this is the missing part of the equation; why things just don't fit for me - because I don't believe in myself enough to deliver the real me, or know when I'm really being me. See - it's so confusing. Getting to know myself, when I've been dodging that person for so long.

It's a tough act.

SB xx

(Oh, and while I'm being honest - I'm being quirky/cute/funny and I guess semi-flirty in emails to John lately, and for that I hate myself. I should have more respect for myself! Oh, the shame....gahhhhh! Somebody STOP me.)