Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Casualties of War

At present, it seems that my existence is defined by a soundtrack of extended sighs and deep breathing. I can't catch up. I can't find relief. I'm in manual override and it's not sustainable. What is wrong with me?

Tonight I rested my head - just for a minute; I willed tears, praying for a physical release to break the emotional drought. I couldn't. Am I beyond sadness? Past frustration?

All I know is that there seems no ending to the shit I find myself in. As they say, it's just "the depth that varies."

John has completely left us all in the most awful position at work. It's complex and difficult to know why - but to say he's not playing with the team is putting it at its simplest. It would seem he has offered up the sanity of his co-workers in order to prove his point to the gods of management. ASSHOLE.

I'm so angry at him, and also at myself for being so fundamentally wrong in my judgement of him. That in my mind he was lovely and dependable; while in reality those two words couldn't be further from the truth. I. am. an. idiot. Foolish and gullible me.

This, that I feel right now, is a weariness that no amount of rest can cure. Something is going to have to break, and I pray to God that it's not me.

SB xx


MissEmy said...

sorry to hear :( :(

Chef Green said...

It's not wrong to see the good in people. Now its time to do you, so to speak: nourish yourself and be assertive. I know you'll work it out.