Alternatives

It's a real shame that things don't turn out the way you wish they would. I suppose though, that the world would be in a bit of a mess if everyone got what they wanted all of the time.

My head is literally spinning with all the things going on in my mind - work, personal and all the stuff in between. I don't want it to, but sometimes the voice in my head repeats a resounding "I hate my life". It's funny that I feel that way now, because today, I actually found it quite natural to be a little on the perky, positive side. Now, if you know me, then you know that there is nothing natural about that for me!

I have decided to release John as much as I possibly can. Unfortunately, this doesn't mean that I am completely immune to his eyes... but for me, he has changed. I know he's a good man deep down, but the stuff on the surface right now is really unattractive. I wish this meant I didn't feel so damn uncomfortable around him, but in fact, I think it makes it worse. I wish he'd return. I wish my John would come to his senses. You don't know how much this place, these people have changed him - he used to be 'light' and free and positive - he used to tell me off for being negative. Instead now, he excretes all the bad things that he was supposed to drive away when he arrived. What happened, I ask myself often? Is it SpottyApple, is it his dicky friends that he hangs with too much. It doesn't really matter. I wish he'd get the shake up he needs, to wake up from the stupor. He used to inspire me, now he just makes me sad. Worse of all, he barely talks to me anymore. Someday I might call him on that. If his fucking girlfriend would just piss off. Can he be saved, or is it too late? Sadly, this is not for me to find out. I used to think he was going to change my whole life... I suppose he did change it somewhat - but not in the good ways I imagined.

The book I'm reading now, says that to have a chance to get the things you want, you need to be adaptable, you need to change and evolve, just as life changes. I'm going to try that - because, even though I haven't communicated that very well above, the theory makes a lot of sense.

SB xx