The Strangest Time

I don't know what to do with myself at this time of the day. The time between day and night - a time when things should be ending and not starting. These weekends drive me a little mad. There are times when I crave company, but when I have it, I just wish it away. When the people around me are talking about little, daily things, that mean nothing to me - my mind couldn't be further away from their little things. I get restless.

I payed a visit to the bookstore yesterday, and brought a book called "you need to have this book - to get what you want". So, I started reading a couple of pages last night. Nothing major yet - but something did strike me. It said that we each have our own different ideals and values and the conflict in life comes when we expect other people to have the same values as us. This is absolutely me, and I have no doubt that this is why I feel so tormented all the time. I guess I just have to remind myself that other people don't see the world the way I do. Yikes.

I think I've fucked up the work situation too. I've tried to hold as much ground as I can, as well as push a point. I wrote an email to my supervisors on Friday, basically asking them to make a decision and well, do their job. I might receive an icy reception when I get in next week. Should I not fight? Why is it, that when I'm half way through a fight that I think to myself, perhaps it was a bad idea? These late epiphanies are unhelpful. And letters, letters always get me into trouble... why, why do I always do the letter thing? I know why. Because the written word is powerful to me, because I think a lot about the words I use, and when I resort to a message, I want it to be powerful. Damn it. I am also known for cutting off my nose to spite my face. Double damn.

My Mum said today that she is losing her hair. She's had fine hair for a long time, but lately, I have noticed sort of a bald spot. I feel really sad for her. She seems so defeated. And I feel like such a bitch, for taking her for granted; for putting pressure on her, when she's got her own shit going on. Why do we think that our mothers are invincible? I think most women do too good a job at convincing the world they can handle anything, and it always shocks us greatly, when they stumble, and we realise they are just human.

Long weekend this weekend. I want to go to work with a new attitude next week. I don't want to care so much about the things that are wrong. I want to forget all that has gone before. Is this possible?

Long weekend, means an extra shot as seeing Benchpress me NOW Boy at the gym. The smallest things to me...