The snot, it flows

I cried myself into a state for 40 solid minutes lastnight. When the world was dark and sleeping, I was trying to muffle the sounds of my sobbing. It's been a long time since I felt the inclination to do that - I don't know what happened - but I looked at myself in the mirror as I brushed my teeth, and I thought "something's not right here" and then it all started.

I feel like things are starting to get on top of me - little things, little worries, like not getting paid properly this week. Anxiety about appointments I have to make, things I have to do. It scares me that I am starting to feel this way, because while I used to be that way a lot, since I started on the antidepressants - that instinct seemed to dissolve away. I tried to follow the sick trail of thoughts lastnight - but I couldn't pin any down - it was 'John', it was work, it was 'John', it was life, it was me, it was everything invented, real and nothing all at once.

I'm in a puddle of snot and shit and I.am.sinking.

I keep thinking, if I feel this way, if these feelings are so strong - why can't anyone else feel it too? These feelings and thoughts that shake me to the core, why can't he sense it?

I'm trying hard, not to drown - but I am getting tired. I pray that the universe is gentle on me, and that I might be gentle on myself too.

SB xx