Operator Please?!

Another non-remarkable day, but still plenty of action, of the non-great variety. Things at work were really hectic - a lot of the staff were off doing training and various things, one was sick and I found myself in a difficult situation, again, which called for a decision well above my pay-grade. I like to think that I perform reasonably well under pressure - I hope I give that impression.

This brings me to one of my absolute pet hates. Specifically, when I am going through a stressful moment, or even when people think I'm stressed, and I'm not, and they say to me "don't stress" I FRIGGING HATE that with the passion of 1000 fires, and when people say that to me, I want to gouge their eyes out with the nearest implement, sharp or blunt. I have a similar reaction when people tell me to "breathe" at moments when I might be having a (controlled) rant, or a externally expressed difficulty. Little Miss Bad Apple, (ex-work crushes girlfriend) has said it to me on more than one occasion, and again did it today - and while I looked back at her and squeezed out some form of a smirk in response, what I really wanted to say was something like, "fuck off, I think I can remember to breathe just fine without the cues from you"!! Damn it. If I can think of a witty enough response to that in future, rest assured I will be using it.

I kind of got an arse kick yesterday when I met up with my ex-work friend (she's 'ex' because she's leaving town, and hence no longer works with me) lets call her 'Red'. She asked me what was going on, what my plans were - specifically in a social sense. I said my usual thing; oh, my life is boring, I don't know - blush, blush. And she told me, with some form of sensitivity that I can't hide, and that I shouldn't stay at home all the time, and asked me when I was going to go out - when I was 75?? I know, I know she is absolutely right - yes I agree that it's highly unlikely that someone is going to knock on my door and if they do it's probably just going to be an ugly, balding, miserable delivery man. I am kind of fucked, and I know it. I know God doesn't usually do 'home delivery' but shit, I wish he'd look at a policy change, even if it was just for me. Truth is that everything Red said was correct, I know it, I acknowledge it - I just don't know what to do with it. I'm scared.

Worse still today, in front of ex-work crush, I was holding a baby, and someone yelled out "look out she's getting clucky"... "don't let your boyfriend see you like that".... and somehow the conversation, or in my case, 'interrogation' lead to me having to say that I didn't have a boyfriend, and that I need to "find a man first". Dear God, an earthquake would've been great right about then!

I used to think I might've been incapable of a relationship and everything that goes with it - the physical contact, the opening up, the vulnerability. I don't feel that way so much anymore. Something kind of switched over, and while I get a stomach flutter when I think about those things happening, it doesn't frighten me like it used to. In all honesty and modesty, I think that I would make a perfectly great girlfriend. I'm considerate and kind, perceptive and loyal and when I make anything, I make it with love.

Dear God, please don't let me turn into a 'cat lady' or any other kind of animal 'lady'. I just want to be somebody's girl.

SB xx