cupcakes & a broken jam tart

My mind is swimming at the moment, and everything is a little fuzzy. The thoughts are hard to pin down, so this post won't make much sense I fear, but I suppose it doesn't really matter as no one reads this anyway. I guess I came on here for some comfort. I don't know what I want really, what I hope for? No, that's a lie, I know what I want - amongst other things that shall remain unnamed, I just want things to make sense, I want a reason for the way things turned out. I'm one of those people that needs justification, I need to feel like there is a reason for everything, I suppose so that I can feel like ultimately, the road leads where it's supposed to. Like if there was an ending added to Robert Frosts poem, it would say that both paths ended in the same place. If you take away words like reason, supposed to, destiny, meant to be, you're just left with a bunch of random sequences and that scares the shit out of me.

Mostly, I have taken some steps forward, in regards to releasing ex-work crush boy from my mind and heart. But having said that, it is a very hard thing to do, and there still, are moments when I wonder if it occurs to him? There's a dangerous thought that runs around my head from time to time, teasing me with possibility - and it asks, will he realise one day he wants me? God, as I read over that, I cringe - I want to delete and retrace that entry, but for honesty's sake I shall leave it there. It's not really any secret this crush has tested me, and quite possibly sent me mad. Like poor Madame Bovary, the lure of love and man has eluded me and I am damaged in a way that is not repairable; sometimes it's in a look he gives me, something he does just for me, something he says... but then she is right around the corner, and it smashes into me like a semi-trailer and I crash, just like this.

There is a selfish part of me that doesn't want to lose him at all, but really, I know that life is much easier when he's not around. For this, I wish mostly that he would just leave, so that I might forget him and move on. So that I might have a chance of mending my jam tart.

SB xx